Brush with the mystical

14 Rajab 1425

Today saw some very scary things happen to me.

My grandfather has a friend who is a pir. A mystic. A sufi. No, trust me it was scary as hell.

It is generally said that as you shake his hand while saying hello he can learn something about you. He will immediately give an opinion. Now, I am severely confused about my religious beliefs or the lack thereof along with my spiritual aspect or the lack thereof. So I knew that he cannot tell anything.

So, I just took all the eateries into the Drawing room while my grandfather and his friends sat there. Talking about someone who used to be very fat and is very weak now. My dada(grandfather) is old, so all he and his friends talk about is diseases. Very very depressing. Trust me.

So, I say Salaam and I shake hands with him. He looks into my eyes. Then turns slightly to my grandfater and says a couple of things to him about me. My grandfather said yes, you are right. Jalal is that way.

I had the wind knocked out of me so fast that I thought I was going to fall down. So I just sat next to him. I kept sitting there for half an hour. He kept talking about different things with the others. They talked about four general topics.

I can swear that those topics were chosen for me. I feel very strongly about all four things. And all four are very unusual and uncommon topics for discussion amongst friends. I was very very shocked.

He learnt things about me while not having seen me for more than two minutes. Then he talks about four things that he could not have told everyone there about me. So in a way he just told me irregularly.

Oh, and trust me, there were no freak coincidences. This seemed all very planned. If it were a coincidence. It would be a once in a billion coincidence.

So here I sit. Scared as hell.

13 Rajab 1425

Today was one of the most hectic days of my life. I went to work early. I came back late. According to the time of leaving and coming back home About 0620 to 2040. So I got back 20 minutes ago.

Got a glass of cold water. Told ammi (mother - doh!) to make me 4 fried eggs and toast for dinner. Told my sister she looks fat which relieved half of my tiredness. But then she told me that I look stupid. Then I had to tell my other sister that she looks like her nose is bent. Yet again that made me feel better. But she told me that my nose is bent. So I just shut up. Came into my room, closed the curtains, dimmed the lights, stripped to my shorts, put on some music, and now I am blogging.

Damn! This post gives too much information about how I spend my time when I am very very tired.

Also it kind of reveals how a family, with too many people coming back from arduous work, in a hot humid climate, at the same time, will behave with each other before they unwind.

12 Rajab 1425

Oh dear. Now my relation with my father will go down the drain. Till now I have had an excellent relationship with my father.

But now he has started making me do things I dont want. He wants everything to work his way and all. I hate that. Just today. He forcibly gave me a new Cellphone. And then he forcibly gave me a digital camera. All by force. And I did not have a burning desire to have either of them.

I hate him.

11 Rajab 1425

Today's post is dedicated to artists. No, thankfully for you I will not write essays, pamphlets, booklets or tretises on what different artists and their art makes me feel, how I relate to them and what they are about to me. I will just list a couple of artist's names that I have been looking at lately.

- Rembrandt
- Renoir
- Van Gogh
- Monet
- Whistler

Ahhhhhhhh. What bliss.

Ok, Ok, goddamnit. I admit it. Ok? Happy now? Happy? Huh?

Well, I admit that the last few posts have been writeen because I have become a boring working man. The 9 to 5 guy. With the after 5 life consumed by comedy shows and music. Actually it is more like an 8 to 9 guy. Since I get home at 9pm. Then I dont have time for anything.

So there. Happy now? I have said it. (Female Dog)!

10 Rajab 1425

Today's post is dedicated to artists. No, thankfully for you I will not write essays, pamphlets, booklets or tretises on what different artists and their art makes me feel, how I relate to them and what they are about to me. I will just list a couple of artist's names that I have been looking at lately.

- Rembrandt
- Renoir
- Van Gogh
- Monet
- Whistler

Ahhhhhhhh. What bliss.

Ok, Ok, goddamnit. I admit it. Ok? Happy now? Happy? Huh?

Well, I admit that the last few posts have been writeen because I have become a boring working man. The 9 to 5 guy. With the after 5 life consumed by comedy shows and music. Actually it is more like an 8 to 9 guy. Since I get home at 9pm. Then I dont have time for anything.

So there. Happy now? I have said it. (Female Dog)!

10 Rajab 1425

Today's post is dedicated to comedy shows. No, thankfully for you I will not write essays, pamphlets,

booklets or tretises on what comedy shows make me feel, how I relate to them and what they are about

to me. I will just list a couple of comedy shows that I have been watching lately.

- Friends
- Everybody Loves Raymond
- Sienfeld
- Becker
- Married to the Kellies
- Fawlty Towers
- Frasier
- Third Rock From the Sun
- The Drew Carey Show
- Just Shoot Me

Ahhhhhhhh. What bliss.

09 Rajab 1425

Todays post is dedicated to music. No, thankfully for you I will not write essays, pamphlets, booklets or tretises on what music makes me feel, how I relate to it and what it is about. I will just list a couple of songs that I selected to listen to today.

Luciano Pavarotti - Rigoletto - La Donna e' mobile (LIVE)
Mehdi Hassan - Gulon Main Rang Bhare Baad e Naubahar Chalay
Bach - Brandenburg Concerto 1
Elvis Presley - Always On My Mind
Zakir Hussain - Malkauns
Chopin - Fantasy - Improptu Op. 66
Farida Khanum - Chaand Nikle Kisi Janib
Kishore Kumar - Kuch To Log Kahenge
Queen - Too Much Love Will Kill You
Billy Joel - Piano Man
Nazia Hassan - Sun Mere Mehboob Sun
Ravi Shanker - Discovery of India
Tchaikovsky - 1812 Overture
John Denver - Annie's Song
Mehdi Hassan - Khuli Ja Ankh To Na Woh Zamana Tha
Asad Amanat Ali - Ghar Wapas Kab Aaoge
Eric Clapton - Old Love
Mehdi Hassan - Tumhain Mubarak Naee Khani
Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan - Allah Muhammad Chaar Yaar
Cutting Crew - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight

Ahhhhhhhh. What bliss.

08 Rajab 1425

Today was an absolute treat for me.

First there was some Olympics stuff coming on the TV. There was some Weightlifting; some Judo; some; some Athletics; some Rowing and finally some Gymnastics.

Then I sat infront of the Paramount Comedy Channel for about half an hour. It turns out there was this show "News Radio" on. It was the first time I was seeing the show so I did not know if it was good or not. Then this guy "Joe" (Joe Rogan) takes off his shirt in the middle of an episode.

It was a good show.

It was a good day. I am very very happy and energized.

07 Rajab 1425

Ahhhhhh, what a wonder it is to sit in an automobile and drive along the beautiful boulevards of our great city of Karachi. With a roadside etiqutte that would shame the most law abiding of people and with a road system that would shame any other. Oh, what a wonder it is.

Not that that rant is over and I have gritted my teeth to a pulp I shall continue with today's post.

Come to think of it. There is nothing to post about. Except my behaviour on the road. So I will post about that.

I was driving, as usual, and someone decided to cross the road, while expecting me to stop, since of course, he being on foot had all the right to suddenly run across the road, with one hand raised to point out that I should stop. I mean, the gall of me to think that he can not cross like this. So, I did the unthinkable.

I leaned out my window and screamed out "Sarak dekh kar par kiya karo!" (English : "Watch before you cross the road!"). It felt good. Too good. I would have to say that it was equal to 0.19 orgasms. Which is pretty nice for something on the road here.

06 Rajab 1425

There is good news and there is bad news. What do you want first, the good news or the bad news? OK, I cant do this. Actually, there is just average news and there is more average news. But you have to give it to me that the line about good news and bad news is kind of cool and kind of so severly cliched that I stopped it immediately.

The average news is that my boss called me into his office. We had a talk. He said he liked the fact that I am doing good at work. Something that came as a slight shock since the only interaction that we had in the last one month was clipped, slightly intonated sentences. Sorry, short sentences. Then he told me that he was going to let me follow up on two very interesting stories and that will help my job prospects. So in reality it turns out that he is a nice guy and I am the heinous bitch who cannot behave.

The other average news is that I went out with a friend today and I actually ended up eating 1.5 fried Chickens. How is that news? Well my good man (or woman), that is news because I won the bet that stated that I can not eat so much. Actually what I won was the price of the Chicken I ate, but that is besides the point. The point is that I won the bet. Or is it? Hmmmmm.


Also, is it just me or is it extremely bad manners when someone accidentally drops their Biryani on you and does not say they are sorry? I swear I did not do that. Actually I had that happen to me while I was eating abnormally large amounts of fried Chicken today. What the hell is wrong with people.

I like the fact that for once in my blog I am feeling sorry for others rather than myself.

05 Rajab 1425

Now I will reveal something about me that is not going to reflect very well upon me. So I am going to have to tell all of you to not judge me by this and to forgive me for not being the perfect human that you had all envisioned me to be. So here goes.

I do not watch horror movies at all.

They just make me feel uneasy and I dont want to feel that way. The strangest thing is that I used to watch horror movies when I was younger. Now I just dont want to any more. I feel useasy.

So, there. Jalal is a pussy! Be happy all of you Jalal haters. But I will have the last laugh.


Good God. Now this post was so horrifying that I think I wont be able to watch this post after posting it. Damn!

04 Rajab 1425

From someone who knows how it feels like to be on the wrong end. Just do this.

Once you finish using someone then stick around for long enough for that person to get used to the idea that you are using him and are going to leave him. Dont just leave in such a hurry that that guy just gets left behind bitter and angry and not knowing what to do.

03 Rajab 1425

Hmmmm. There are about 32 days till my birthday. I will be 24 then. I will officially be old.

At this occasion I will put before you all a list that I had made when I was twenty (and in college). This is the list entitled "Things I have to do before I am 24". Unfortunately only one of these things had been finished. Although there is a desire to do the rest but I am sure I wont be able to do them all the same.

Things I have to do before I am 24

1 - Travel by road from Karachi to Quetta to Shiraz to Isfahan to Tehran to Baghdad to Damascus to Konya to Ankara to Istanbul.
2 - Finish the books "Alipur ka Aeli" and "Shahabnama" after starting them when I was twenty. They are good books but they are very very long and arduous.
3 - Watch the complete collection of "Studio Dhai" and "Fifty Fifty".
4 - Listen to a condensed collection of Mehdi Hassan's ghazals and geets.
5 - Have a Lobster Bisque. Whatever that is.
6 - Complete my collection of Pakistani coins and bank notes.
7 - Meet Ahmed Faraz, the eminent poet.
8 - Start going to the gym. (And this list was written four years ago, damn, I do know myself well enough)
9 - Learn Persian or Classical Persian.
10 - Learn how to sleep just three hours a day and still be fresh.

I have only been able to complete point number 4. And to a mild extend point number 6.

Damn it !

02 Rajab 1425

So, I was in an elevator. There was someone hurtling towards the elevator. I completely lose it and instead of opening the door I started saying arrrrraaaaayyyyy arrrrraaaaayyyy. In the meantime the other guy in the elevator rushed and kept the door open. At this point I was desirous of dying and disappearing at the same time. But I didnt. Damn!

And then this weeks retarded conversation ...

Overly Perfumed Semi Fat Girl (OPSFG) ... "One."
Me ... "Excuse me?"
OPSFG ... "One."
Me (Slight neck movement and voice intonation) ... "What???"
OPSFG ... "The first floor."
Me ... Oh! Ok!

And then the button was pressed. And self loathing was done. And death was desired more than before. And sweating was done.

Oh my God. To whoever marries me. Good luck marrying me.

01 Rajab 1425

Today, yet again, like so many times in the past, I went to my Bank. Like always it was an interesting experience. I go to the counter and give the cheque to a guy who definitely did not have enough sleep last night and was in a mood for nasty snide remarks and evil glares. But all the same I gave it to him without wetting my pants of muttering something stupid and insane.

I was about to turn when he asked me if it was my account. I said yes it was. Then he asked me if it was my signature. I said yes it was. Then he told me that the signatures do not match and that all three had to look the same. Looking at those puffy eyes and enlarged nostrils I decided not to fight back. I wrote another cheque in front of him and he accepted it after reading it for 5 minutes. Who the hell reads a cheque for 5 minutes. Probably someone with an IQ below 14.89. Doh!

Then the absolute worst happens. The cheque bounces and I am told to grow the hell up and have an idea of how much I have in the account. This time I was glared at by more than three people. Not a nice picture.

So I wrote another cheque that underwent scrutiny for 5 more minutes. I got my token and I sat down to wait for my turn to receive the cash. Yet again. As I was sitting there and the Bank was taking, oh, a gagillion hours, to give me the money I started fiddling with the token.

Suddenly I realized that the token was falling. It was falling and falling. Suddenly my reflexeds woke up (probably after a few years of sleep) and I groped for the token. As usually happens in this occasion (and as Mr Murphy would have it) my groping actually hit the token on end to speed its procession towards Mommy Earth rather than stop it.

There was a loud noise and the token fell and started to roll. I was sitting there looking at it in disbelief. This time unfortunately my reflexes didnt wake up and I did not chase the token down the middle of the Bank. Thank God. But I saw the token roll itself into the most unconvenient corner possible (again, as Mr Murphy would have it).

So I had to get up and tell the, oh, a gagillion, people to get off the sofa since my token was under it. They got up. Another guy pulled up the sofa. I took the token and then, miraculously, melted into the ground. What? That is made up? Yeah, you are right. That didn't happen in real life. But it did happen in my brain. So I sat down and tried to act invisible (that is, just be myself).

This time everyone was looking at me. I felt vulnerable and exposed, and not in a good way.

In the meantime my turn came up. I took my money. Then I ran so fast out of there that I broke the sound barrier and somehow ended up at home. Somehow.

So as I was saying. Sometimes I can be clumsy.

30 Jamadi us Saani 1425

After watching too much of the Olympics I have decided on a few things.

1 - I have to go to Turkey and have sex.
2 - I have to go to Argentina and have sex.
3 - I have to go to France and have sex.
4 - I have to go to Morocco and have sex.
5 - I have to go to Slovenia and have sex.
148 - I have to go to Japan and have sex.

Hmmmm, I see a pattern there. I hope you see it too. I am a sick sick sick gay biatch.

Now that I have lost all sense of self respect in my eyes and yours I think ill leave. Bye.

29 Jamadi us Saani 1425

It was wonderful watching more of the Olympics. Along with driving in the city of Karachi which is, if I may be allowed to use such language, a bitch. So the Olympics are all that are left at the end of the day to sit back and relax after horrendous drives in the city.

Today I was passing through a major traffic intersection called Lalukhet Das Nambar or in other (read: more anglicized) words Liaquatabad No. 10. Due to the fact that there is no traffic signal there it is a scene of complete chaos as a large number of vehicles from four different roads try to keep moving while cutting off each others paths.

The situation over there shows a level of chaos and complete breakdown of human civilization never before seen on the face of this good earth. It is mass psychosis at a level that even I am completely unaware of and hence shocked at. It is the picture of hell that Satan himself would feel honoured by.

As I passed through it a flash of ingenuity hit me and I chanced upon a name for the location. "Tehzeeb ul Ikhlaq Chowk" (Civilization and Ethics Corner).

Needless to say there are a lot of hidden osbcure cultural references in the title (It is the name of a pamphlet by Sir Syed Ahmed Khan) and I will not explain all of them. If you are a Pakistani and you did not understand this. You need to start learning. Immediately. So that in about ten years you will be able to call yourself mildly aware and educated.

After coming up with this wonderful name as I was driving in my car. I suddenly remembered something that I had heard in "Frasier" that perfectly fit the situation ... (Frasier to himself) "Oh Frasier, once again you suffer the misfortune of being clever and alone". I will leave today's post at that.

28 Jamadi us Sani 1425

The 2004 Olympic Games at Athens - Games of the XXVIII Olympiad. Good. Good.

What else can I say. I am a complete Olympics fan. My first proper Olympic watching was the games of 1988. My father made sure that we all sat down and watched the whole ceremony. Which we did. And we were very excited to see the Pakistan contingent come down as well. I was very young and the only thing I remember was that I was very happy to see Pakistan take part in an international event.

It turned out to be the great grand daddy of all international events. The Olympics.

Since then I really enjoy watching the Olympic games and the ceremonies. They are different every time and with every city there is a new flavour. All in all, a wonderful experience.

So all I can say is that ... "ΑΘΗΝΑ 2004".

Oh and yes. Please dear God let Pakistan win some medals this time.

27 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Today was the 14th of August of 2004.

Happy Birthday, Pakistan.

27 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Today was the 14th of August of 2004.

Happy Birthday, Pakistan.

27 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Today was the 14th of August of 2004.

Happy Birthday, Pakistan.

14 August 2004

I went for a drive up from my house to the sea view. And then back home. Got back half an hour ago.

Pakistan Zindabad! Pakistan Zindabad!

25 Jamadi us Sani 1425

It was a friend. He just called me. It was Q. He is such a bitch.

Well, Q, just coz you fucked with me. I wont have sex with you. Ever.

25 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Well, I was right. Whoever it is does read my blog. I am still hoping that it is someone screwing with me. Actually it is slightly unnerving. So whoever you are. And whyever you are doing this. Please stop ok. Just tell me who you are.


Man this is no longer a joke. Ok.

Fuck, I never thought I would have to talk to my stalker this way. Actually, there was one fantasy. But in that the guy tells me who it is after a few hours and then comes over to my house at 0300 in pouring rain and we do very naughty things.

This is not like that.

So, whoever it is. Man can you please, just please tell me who you are ok. So I dont get comepletely freaked out everytime there is sound outside my window.


25 Jamadi us Sani 1425

I just saw "Sweet Home Alabama" . No, dont you dare judge me, I was alone and bored and this was the only movie on at that time. And, well, I did not like it. So I would not recommend it. But, as it happens, it has two very hot men in it. Or by some counts three. So you should indeed watch it.

And those two gentlemen are Ethan Embry and Josh Lucas. Lucas, hmmm. If you got this 'Lucas, hmmm' thing you got it, and if you didnt get it, you didnt get it.

And I have to admit, there are too many jeans in this movie to flutter the hearts of any man loving things out there. Oh, I didnt tell you this? Well, along with every other item of clothing. Jeans really turn me on as well.

24 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Ok, this blog is not a good idea. I am actually scared. I think I may have a stalker. Well, no, I am not a celebrity, but a gay Pakistani blogger is a celebrity because ofthe sheer uncommonness. I am afraid man.

He called me three times and then I called him and he didnt pick up. I kept calling and he didnt pick up the phone. I sent him smss and he sent me some. He is not going to tell me who he is. Now I am scared.

So if you are reading this. Do not leave a comment. Email me instead.

Oh and yes. In case you are my friend and just teasing me and are now shocked at my knee jerk reaction, I am sorry. And I will give you a free blowjob once R allows me to do that ok. Dont hate me.

23 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Today was one of those days when I talked to myself a lot. Like all such days, I kept telling myself to shut up a lot as well. Along with this came the usual reply, "I am not going to shut up, prude". Upon which instant my overly excited self and the cautious one both realize that they have to shut the hell up.

It happened at the pool. I was walking to the showers and I said to myself "Jalal you lucky dawg you are losing weight". Upon this there was a snap "Oh my God, are you actually talking to yourself loudly, ... , again?". There was a sudden comeback "Yes, I am, and I will, prude". Upon which I got to hear "Oh shut up, and shut up". It is about here that I realized that a few people were actually looking at me. So I did shut up. But I will show him yet. Ah, I love fighting with myself.

When I was driving back from the pool I suddenly laughed very loudly and for an instant I accidentally let go of the steering. Then I suddenly said, out loud, to myself, all alone in the car, "What is a marriage?" and then, I answered myself, even though I didnt allow myself to give the punch line and destroy the joke - "A contract allowing two people to nag, harass and critize each other".

And then I laughed some more. Then I suddenly realized that if someone else was not looking at the road and actually watching me closely (yeah, right, like that is what people do on the road) then they would think I am crazy. So I stopped acting insane. Put on loud music and bobbed my head to it.

Oh dear Lord! I am so screwed up.

22 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Now that R is reading this blog. I will not blog about me and him, and about us. And I will remind R that he is not allowed to read my blog and my 'secret' exploits. Good.

Shoot. I am too bossy for normal people. I have to improve the way I relate to humans.

The 14th of August moves ever closer. Green is growing in the city. Flags of Pakistan are coming up at every corner. In anticipation of the sudden explosion of patriotic vigour that we have once every day in an year and not more than that.

I have to go get a flag and put it up, every so proudly, on my roof.

Now that will give me something to think about.

08 August 1425

I spent last night in the houses of five different people. From one place to another. We went to some because they had the good dvd players and sound systems. We went to some because they had full refrigerators and good foods. We went to some to see the wonderful scenery of the sun rising over the ocean.

Lets just say that last night I saw two movies and drank about ten cups of tea. Along with that I painted the faces of two friends who were sleeping in a room besides ours. One was painted black and the other blue. We used ink and shoe polish. Yes, I know, I am a horrible, horrible person. Hahahahah.

I saw the movie called "The Village". And I see that Joaquin Pheonix is very attractive. But I saw that the movie was also very nice. I would suggest that it be watched and preferably quietly (Something that I wasnt given last night).

18 Jamadi us Sani 1425

OK. Unlike Mark I am going to be talking about my current relationship (or whatever the hell you call it) with R and how it is going. And again unlike Mark I am going to talk about everyting relating to it on this blog. I know it going to be hard and irritating for you. But, hey, you are the psychos who are actually reading this blog so I don't think that this will be an issue.

So basically last night when we were talking over the net he told me that he can't come online for about 2-3 weeks and that we will just have to talk to each other over the phone.

I was obviously not ready for something like that. And, you people, knowing that I am completely psychotic and completely lunatic, would have guessed that I didn't handle it well. Well, I would have to say that you are right. I obviously did not handle it well.

I guess when I told him that he doesn't wanna continue things and is finding an excuse to not talk to me I made a mistake. Because he got very angry (I still have no idea why). And started saying that I dont trust him. Well, obviously I trust him. Did he not listen to what I said?

So, basically things are going wonderfully. I just hope I dont get too many opportunities to screw this thing up.

17 Jamadi us Sani 1425

I had to take a cab early this morning. I woke the cab guy up from what I thought was a nap. But later on he said something about there being rain in the night. I realized that he had actually slept in the cab. A quick look at the cab told me that this was his home. This was all that he had.

When we stopped and I asked him how much money I had to pay him. He gave me the actual fare and not the hightened fare that I am used to. I had the wind knocked out of me. Just because this guy leads a clean and honest life he is suffering and everyone else who cheats and lies has the fruit.

I realized that "Allah kay yahan der hay andher naheen hay" (Allah may take his time but doesnt let wrongdoing go by). And then I realized that (don't ask me through what logic) it was my job to set the thing right. To be the link in the chain that actually holds.

He said the fare was Rs 70. I gave him Rs 300. Sure, it was too much. But I think I will cut back on things this month and I will make it upto that guy. It is my job that at least at my level I can take care of things when I see them wrong.

After doing this for another person I am so happy. It makes me feel more Pakistani. It makes me feel more Muslim. It makes me feel more human. It makes me feel complete.

16 Jamadi us Sani 1425

What the hell is wrong with me. What the hell is wrong with me. I was talking to R and I realized one thing. I can never be happy with guys. I keep cribbing and cribbing.

I mean God what the hell do I want. He told me he smokes. I did not like that. I thought that he was one of those guys who smokes and smells bad and all.

Then the next day he told me he was joking and he doesnt smoke. Then I thought that he is one of those boring guys who doesnt do anything wild.

What the hell is wrong with me. Same goes for his having / not having sex a lot with different men. Same goes for his working hard / being a happy go lucky guy. I mean what the hell. I want him to be one thing and when he isnt like that I dont like that either.

Am I being too idiotic.

What happened to me being accepting of what people are. Damnit I have to learn this.

And finally. Damnit. I think he reads this blog. Lets just hope he doesnt.

15 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Ahhhhhh, Frasier. What a wonderful program. Just saw two episodes and have been laughing since. To top it all off I choked on rice while watching Frasier and now I can smell rice since I am sure they are lodged in my nose.

This is the most disgusting thing that I could ever have posted about.

14 Jamadi us Sani 1425

I have decided to open up to your guys a bit more. So I will share with you some of the sentences that I used the most in college.

This is the worst day of my life.
God that sunrise is beautiful.
Oh my God, I have to have that guy right now.
I hate the food here.
Damn, I am broke again.
I swam so much today that I have cramps in my legs.
Can you please take your pants off?
Oh man, not another exam!
Damn it, I got another '0' in a test.