13 Jamadi us Sani 1425

I went to a friend's place last night. I ended up smoking a joint. Yes, I know. I don't do drugs but this was a one time thing. So don't judge me. Ok. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs regularly but there are times that I need to feel like a dirty, dirty guy. This was one of those times.

I have to admit it was a very interesting experience. I did not feel a thing at all. Nothing at all. Next morning when I was talking to the guy who made the joints he told me that he was very high the previous night. He completely disagreed with me. He told me that I was very high.

Oh dear God. I was high and I didn't even know it.


12 Jamadi us Sani 1425

I have had a sudden crush on Tchaikovsky. That can be proven by anyone who comes into my room. There are 3 new CDs of Tchaikovsky in my room. For the first time in my life I am going to actually pay for access to a huge musical archive of a website. Guess why? Oh, you smart smart man. You guessed it right. Tchaikovsky.

Apart from the CD I have downloaded about 95 minutes of MP3s from the internet.

Oh, dear. This is going to be one of those oh- so- excited -overly -t-CHAI-kovsky -drenched -caffeinated posts. Well I dont care as long as I can listen to the Nutcracker and Swan Lake and The 1812 Overture. (Oh my God, that was a horrible pun on Chai and Tchaikovski).

Well, I would just tell you all to listen to Tchaikovsky as well.

Damnit. Maybe I am still high from all the joints I smoked earlier this evening.

NOTE : As opposed to what Diana may be saying. This blog is not meant only for people who are slightly "off". Ohk, Ill say it. Sane. And Diana is wrong. This blog is for sane people to read and see how completely insane and psychotic I am. But if you are capable of insanity or psychosis then please do not read this since it will greatly enhance that capability. Otherwise it is for all of you. And yes, I did agree that she can be my 4th wife :).

11 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Hmmmmm, it rained. I was sitting in my room and suddenly the sound of the wind in the Coconut trees behind my room became deafening. Scared that Allah has finally become enraged at me and intends to squash my room with the trees and end my lustful immoral existence I ran out of my room.

When I was in the Daalan (living room) one of my sisters passed by me running and screming ... "barish ho rahee hay" "barish ho rahee hay" "barish ho rahee hay" (it is raining). Upon seeing that I and my other sisters also started doing that. Now, dont get me wrong, I am not from a lunaitc asylum and my family is not all mad. It was the first shower in quite a few months and we were very excited.

But as Allah would have it and that damned Murphy from England as well. The rain stopped as soon as we had positioned ourselved in the doors and windows overlooking the lawn and the porch. So we just sat there aghast. Then the rain kept on and off for as long as about one hour. And we moaned our fate.

Now, I have no idea why I told you all this. Maybe, it is because today was very very boring. Very, very boring and nothing whatsoever happened today to me.

10 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Today I saw one of those super action movies which are a slap upon the brain of any human with more than five and a quarter living brain cells. It was one of those movies with lots of fighting in new and completely cutting edge methods and with wild car chases showing situations that can not possibly take place in real life in real cities or to real humans.

In other words, a perfect movie to see if you are a human male in your 20s.

The name of the movie is 'The Transporter'. The main character is called Frank Martin in the movie and his real name is Jason Statham.

There is only one thing that I will say about Jason Statham. I have to have sex with him. I did not say I would like to have sex with him. Neither did I say that I would want to have sex with him. I am saying that I have to have sex with him.

And here comes in another list of things. My To-do List.

Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan's To Do list

S.No. 1,272 - Learn how to make your bed so you mother does not have to remake it every time.
S.No. 1,273 - Justin Timberlake.
S.No. 1,274 - Learn how to properly speak and pronouce French.
S.No. 1,275 - Make a huge house out of lego blocks.
S.No. 1,276 - Have sex with Jason Statham who played Frank in "The Transporter".

09 Jamadi us Sani 1425

I decided not to force this down your throats when I started the Blog. I have tried to keep you away from the madness that is Jalal. But here goes all that. But I have a personal book of laws. My moral laws. From time to time I will tell you all about them.

Moral Law # 661 - Drinking too much alcohol and then regurgitating it on someone elses expensive Persian carpet is wrong.
Moral Law # 662 - If you accidentally call someone's wife ugly to their face without knowing it is their wife you can say that you are always wrong about women's beauty to make up for it.
Moral Law # 663 - Say sorry when you have finished spitting on someone accidentally.
Moral Law # 664 - Sex with concenting sheep is not wrong.

And here is the newest edition. The Brain National Assembly and the Brain Senate accepted this law as brain constitutional and for the better of my being.

The man who initiated the Law was Kris, so please visit his blog and tell him that you approve of the way he things. And that he had instituted a major addition to human moral/legal knowledge.

Moral Law # 665 - You can say all sorts of crap if you get to make out with a guy because of the crap.

Now I guess I have pulled you into the void. Ill have to keep on these Moral Laws of mine.

08 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

I have done it again. I have actually managed to act like a complete blundering buffon in the same pool with the same guy again. You people remember my last retarded conversation (sic) with the guy in the pool. There I was, forcing myself to not flip out because I was running out of air. Suddenly, I saw a huge hand in front of my eyes. I tried to stop but the collision had already taken place. So there I was. In the pool strangely very intangled with this other guy. Well noone was hurt. But people needed some time to untangle them. Then the same thing happened.

Me : Hey sorry man.
Sexy wet swimmer guy (SWSG from now on) : It's ok. (I hallucinated this reply to be something like "SWSG: Sorry, I was out of lane.")
Me : Oh no, it's ok.
SWSG : What's ok?
Me (Sudden physical, mental and psychological breakdown; stammering like noone has ever stammered before) : The weather, the weather is ok.
SWSG (Looking at me as if I have just eaten a hat and am fighting with people to declare me sane) : Oh, yeah, that, huh, yeah, it is ok.
Me (Breakdown to a limit not reached last time) : So, you wear XYZ brand of goggles. I hear they are good.
SWSG (Trying to get away from me before I bite him) : Yeah they are good.
Me (Realizing that I have to extricate myself from this situation) : Oh, hey, man, I have to go talk to my cousin at the other end of the pool.
SWSG : Didn't you come alone today. (Doh! of course he would know he was walking with me to the pool to know that I am alone)
Me (Work, damn brain cells, work!) : Oh yeah, then that must be someone else. Sorry :) Hahahahhahahahah (Extemely loud and very very very abnormal laughter)
SWSG (Wants me to kill him or myself.)
Me (Senses the situation) : Hey, then ill see you around. Bye.

And I wade on into the setting sun. Along with which sets all of my sense of self respect and confidence that I can talk to other humans without showing them that I am a moron.

Oh My God! What the hell is wrong with me!

07 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Today I went to a friends house and did it. I was waiting too long and I was too desperate. I knew he wanted to do it as well. I know I wanted to do it as well.

He had a 80GB harddrive. So did I. We both exchanged data and burned a large number of CDs. We are very very content now.

Yeah, yeah, you perverts, I know what you were thinking about.

06 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Well, well, well, well, well.

Now I used to think that I am an intelligent human being. I was wrong on all three accounts. I am not intelligent. I am not human. I am not a being.

So there is a guy. WOO HOO! Well, nothing to get excited about. We have been talking on the net and I am sure he will take another two to three months to get meet up. It is ok. I am ok with him taking the time that he needs.

Today he said that he is going with another guy for staying a night in a city Islamabad (which is where he lives). I told him the same crap about how I think that sex doesnt have anything to do with relationships and that for me sex outside a relationship is no big deal at all.

I am such an idiot.

05 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Damned net was down so couldn't blog.

I went to a wedding today.

1 - The food was good and I ate for my requirements for four days.
2 - The am so envious of the bride.
3 - Everything was exquisite and yet there was something wrong with everything.
4 - One of the waiters there was, what I would rate, a 10/10. My first ever. And, no, I did not make any moves on him. Damnit!
5 - I noticed that all through the wedding I was only noticing men.
6 - Got to meet a lot of people from the family and half of them had never met me, which is odd, since I remembered meeting them earlier on.
7 - I need a guy.

02 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Today I received my first very interesting application through my blog. The only reason I declined was because I am horribly afraid of situations that are at all damaging to my being in the closet.

I will maintain a bit of engagement and wait for a time to pounce.

Also Kris ... :) you know what I mean by this.

01 Jamadi us Sani 1425

1 - I am so sorry for not blogging for such a long time.
2 - I had 2 friends from Islamabad and 2 from Lahore over here at my house.
3 - They stayed for a week.
4 - I slept only for 4 hours a day on average.
5 - My boss have told me to finish up this weeks work in 3 days.
6 - I did not have any intimate relations with any of them while they were here.
7 - I wasted a week and felt wonderful about it.
8 - I could not blog because my friends were perpetually on the computer.
9 - I hate them.
10 - Except that they are all very cute and turn me on.
11 - I have got to stop here :)

22 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

First of all, It seems that my blog has reached one year in lifetime. Well happy birthday blog! And my sincerest apologies to the 21,343 people who have some to my blog. I am very very sorry.

Secondly, and this is more of a reminder than a post, Jalal , damnit, when you exercise it doesnt mean you can eat like a pig ok. So stop it goddamnit. And to think that I said exactly the same thing while looking at myself in the mirror a while ago.

20 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

Ok, first of all an apology. The damned weighing machine wasnt working properly. Hence my mistake about my increase in weight. Correction : I have not gained weight I have lost it. I am sure all of you whose sole purpose in life is to check up on my weight changes will be paying great attention to each and every word. But trut me ... this is not that important an issue. I would suggest you brach out a little.

I am asking the guy I met over the net if we can meet up. I have sabotaged enough possible relationships by not meeting with people soon enough. I hope I am not making a mistake this time. But only time will tell.

19 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

Today was wonderful. For the past three days we have had wonderful weather. The monsoon is coming. It is continuously cloudy and windy. In other words. It is the best weather that we can want.

During the start of the monsoon season (Early July) there is an interesting phenomenon here. In afternoon on the day after a rain shower hundreds of thousands of little winged insects called 'پتنگا' 'patanga' hatch and spread all over the place. They move towards lights and they are so many in number that the whole floor gets covered with them. We had a sudden surge in patangas today :) Very very uncommon for Karachi.

Also ... I have finally managed to do the unthinkable. I managed to loose weight. And ... I have managed to do another thing. I now eat only fruits for lunch. Mangoes, Peaches, Plums, Custard Apples and a couple of Apples. I KNOW I KNOW that if I eat 500 kilos of fruit then it doesnt count as proper diet. But it is my life. Leave me alone.

Temper Temper Jalal. Oh you shut up!

Ohk ... just had a drink of cold 'diet water' to refresh myself and not gain any unwitting calories in the process. I am calm and normal and one personality again ... also ... I am weighing one pound less.


18 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

A few months ago I met a guy over the internet. I thought he was 2 - 3 years younger than. Now since I am into guys my age and I am I horrible person. I for some reason never thought of anything and just thought of him as a friend. Although I did notice that he was interested in me but I could not do anything.

Now one day ago I found out that he is infact slightly older than me. I can tell you what my reaction was. It was a sudden 586% increase in Adrenaline / Testosterone production coupled with massive eye dilation and goose bumps. In other words I was thoroughly amused and very excited.

Now all the remains for me to do is profess my love for him. And since I am perfect and I would be to good for anyone else he will accept me and things will be much easier again.

Ahhhhhhhh. The simplicity inherent in being perfect. Rather, almost perfect, since I do have some hetrosexual instincts at times.

17 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

Met some very very old friends today.

Very very old friends have a very bad habit of sharing very very compromising information about you with other people. Along with all that info is a lot of lies. I never used to clean my nose with printing paper.

The level to which some people will stoop.

Well at the very least I made it even.

I told everyone on those two as well.

16 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Regarding those pictures that I took after changing the shirt three times. The shop guy tried his best to delay them so much that I could not get them at all. Well I showed him. I took the things in time. I accepted his apology. And in the end I even said 'it's ok' despite having to wait in his shop for an hour. Oh, damnit! It turns out I did not 'show him' after all. Well there is always next time.

Today I learnt something that you all should learn from as well. Never step on something that looks like oil. You might just slip and after some very vigorous hand / foot / hip / head motions regain your balance. But, in the process loose the respect of all the passersby. Although you do not know them and will never meet them but their opinion makes an integral part of our lives. Hence we should make sure that we dont step on the oil.

If you ever, ever say that it was me who stepped on the oil. I will catagorically deny it.

15 Jamadi us Sani 1425

Today was the once-in-a-month-all-cousin-dinner-in-a-restaurant.

If you think that was too long a word-joined-by-dashes. It is so because it is a big affair. It is large

enough to warrant me making a word by putting dashes between ten words. So to make this usage seem

normal I will tell you in ten points what the evening entailed.

Total number of cousins attending : 12.
Age range of the group : 16 years.
Slices of Pizza eaten : 68.
Litres of Pepsi drunk : 6.
Number of people fell of their chairs laughing : 1 (me).
Number of people shrieking loudly like gay men : 1 (me).
Number of tantrums thrown by younger cousins : 3.
Number of times older cousins scolded them very loudly : 1 (not me).
Number of times people said things that I did not like : 0. (Very uncommon for me).
Number of times I said things that people did not like : 0. (Very uncommon for me).

All in all a good evening.

Oh and yes ... point number eleven.

Number of times I stared at the waiters area : 1,764.

14 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

First of all. Why would someone search for love@juce? Why does that not make any sense to me? And finally why does my blog result in this search?

Now I can hear someone in the back (why the hell am I talking like a teacher?) asking me how my day was. Despite your mortification at thought of me actually telling you what I did all day long I will not stop. I will tell you what I did all day long. Rather. Wait. Ill just tell you about the most interesting thing that happened today.

I, for some reason still unknown to me, had to go get a picture taken. Now Karachi has a warm and humid climate. Ohk, Ohk, Ill spare you all the perversion and tell you the crux. Well lets just say that I had to change my shirt twice so that giant sweat stains on my shirts dont make it into the pictures. I had to change three shirts to get a picture. I am so frikking gay.

13 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

Ahhhhhhh. Finally able to read your comments. And rest assured I will get back to all of you.

All of you.

Although it will take a LOT of time.

In other news ...

They released the Pakistani man kidnapped in Iraq.

I have realized that my mom is human and not super human.

The mangoes will have to be broken off the tree.

I need to calm down !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11