13 Shaban 1425 -- 07 Asvina 1925 -- 29 September 2004

It would seem that I have a couple of minutes to actually blog. So I will. It seems that I have gotten so hooked to telling people what I do and see them dote on me that I have started to write a diary to keep up with my blogging.

Oh God. I have managed to scare myself.

I will share with you some of the entries in this diary.

09 Shaban

I was coming through these glass doors and there was a very very hot guy sitting there. I was staring at him and when I realized I blushed. Later on he walked upto me and talked to me. Now, Pakistan is very different when it comes to gay overtures. But this one was a big one. And I told him, sorry I have a boyfriend. He said, oh ok, and left. I felt so alive and with a life. Yes!

10 Shaban

I have realized that I will never watch any movies with an apparent budget of less than $1000; and with actors that have muscles the size of kansas and huge huge nipples; and movies having more blood than you have in large blood banks. Goddamnit.

What the hell is the fear of sharp objects called? I think I might have it. Oh Dear God I need help about this.

11 Shaban

Today I was in Quetta.
Number of times I said "Come to daddy" or "Wow that guy is hot" to myself : 33,764
Number of times I told myself that "I need to indulge in activities of a surreal nature" : 377,985
Number of times I fantasized myself in these activities with these guys : 11,674,876
Number of times I realized that I am going to hell : 372
Number of times I realized I dont believe in that : 372

08 Shaban 1425 -- 02 Asvina 1925 -- 24 September 2004

Ok, sorry for leaving you hanging like this. I have to go to Islamabad, Lahore and Quetta for a time being. I will be back on the 5th of October. This was sudden so I could not warn you. I might not be able to get back to you kids. So until then, take care of yourselves and I will catch up when I return.

0632 - Woke up due to the loud noise made by my damned alarm.
0634 - Flung my legs out of the bed to go to bed.
0634 - Fell down and realized I am not feeling well and cannot balance.
0635 - Crawled up on bed.
0636 - A low throbbing pain in my head, shoulders, Hands, Legs, Sides and Back.
0637 - Found out I cannto breath.
0637 - Panicked and felt I am about to die.
0642 - Realized after frantic thinking that I only have flu.
0643 - Smack my head for being too stupid.
0643 - Shooting pains from my smacked head through all my body.
0648 - Call mom in room and tell her to tell work people I wont be coming in today.
0937 - Woke up.
0937 - Looked at watch.
0937 - Went back to sleep.
1248 - Woke up.
1248 - Looked at watch.
1255 - Got breakfast in bed.
1312 - Finished breakfast.
1318 - Went back to sleep.
1633 - Woke up, and, went to sleep without looking at watch. (At least I think it was 1633 ... it could have been 1319 or 1923(not the year damnit, the time.))
1924 - Woke up and got up.

06 Shaban 1425 -- 31 Bhadon 1925 -- 22 September 2004





Today was spent in enjoying ecstatic spasms of pleasure as waves of joy rolled over me and covered me up. I will just say that it was an experience I could not have known to exist. Since I had never done the thing before.

No, I haven't lost my virginity yet. So calm down.

What caused all this? I reached a certain website that I read through and through. Maddox is the best website every. Please go there and read it.

05 Shaban 1425 -- 30 Bhadon 1925 -- 21 September 2004

There is good news and there is better news from my side.

About the whole fight thing yesterday, we talked and made up today. Then we all went for lunch as a "we are ok" gesture. Then we returned to work and kept thinking that we were right and the other guy was an idiot. Well, at least apparently we are behaving like humans.

The only thing that I feel bad about the whole issue is that we did not kiss and make up.

The better news is that I have completed one thing that I had always wanted to do. There is an Imambargah (Mosque) near our house that has excellent architecture. Since it was built in the early 50s it is old and they want to pull it down. I am against it, but noone listens to me. They want to build one of those structures with a lot of glass and steel and polished hospital looks. I hate those. I want a culturally touched place to look at. But I digress, I wanted to make a report on that, so I have completed a huge essay on that Imambargah along with a large collection of pictures.

Very very happy.

04 Shaban 1425 -- 29 Bhadon 1925 -- 20 September 2004

Another day another day. The same old routine. Things going the same way they always do. People screwing up at the office. Then not accepting that it is indeed them and not me to blame. After all, what can you expect from someone who has to listen to the same instructions very slowly twice to get that he has "to get the file from Nasar that Jalal wanted, Nasar will know which one it is".

I mean this guy is stupid. I have to repeat jokes, everytime, and with a lot of elucidation too. There are algae in the South Indian rainforests that have a larger number of brain cells than him. He has to share a brain cell with these two other morons that he likes to hang out with.

Their jokes are like "Hey I dropped the fork because I cannot bend my hand". HAHAAHHA. HAHAHAH. Buffon1 bowls over an pisses in his pants and buffoon2 laughs so loud his teeth fall off.

Why am I blogging about this. Well, maybe because I had kind of a similar discussion with the guy today.

He said some very nasty things about me as well, but I am not going to tell you about them am I.

How did it all end?

Well, it ended "Outside". And noone should ever DARE think that he beat me up. It was his friends who picked him and took him for medical attention.

Damn, I am turning into the normal average proletarian man, the kind that fights and stuff.

Ew ew ew ew ew.

03 Shaban 1425 -- 28 Bhadon 1925 -- 19 September 2004

Ok, as I start spewing fire and venom, I want you all to remember that I am a nice person. The only reason that I am displaying this list is to bring into question: a- why does my blog end up in these search results; b- what do people think when they get to my blog via these search results; and of course c- what kind of people search for such things on the internet in the first place. Oh, and yes, d- what should happen to my self respect after I find out the answers to all these questions.

List of strange searches that led to my weblog, with my personal comments attached to each
Yahoo: Sex Points in Karachi - Seriously, if I knew them, I would not be here right now.
Google: college guys snoring - I won't even bother judging.
Google: groups-falloff - How in hell's name did my weblog end up in this list?
Google: pakistani slut - If only I were one.
Yahoo: help i am in love with a pakistan man - It is not "pakistan man", it is Pakistani man. Psycho. The only help you need is with your grammar. (temper temper Jalal, watch those fangs)

Now I will leave abruptly since I can not come up with any proper way of ending this post.

02 Shaban 1425 -- 27 Bhadon 1925 -- 18 September 2004

Today I will share with you some of my more unorthodox likes and dislikes. What is unorthodox you ask? Well colours, cuisines, hair types, television comedy series, breakfast cereals and of course cities are the orthodox subjects of likes and dislikes.

Unorthodox subjects of likes and dislikes are those subjects of likes and dislikes that I have found to not share with anyone else. Such as proteins, chemicals, electronics and of course mating calls of frogs in the amazon rain forest.

In proteins, I like testosterone, I dislike rotting animal carcasses.

In chemicals, I like laughing gas, I dislike T.N.T.

Amongst the electronics family of instruments, I like televisions with working cable connections, I dislike the damned alarm clock that starts making my sleep one big miserable piece of lucifers urinal every morning at 0550.

So, what are your unorthodox likes and dislikes?

01 Shaban 1425 -- 26 Bhadon 1925 -- 17 September 2004

I was sitting in front of my pc and writing an incredible post. When I say incredible, I mean incredible. I was laughing as I was writing it, because, it was just that damned funny (if you still did not understand, it was because everyone know's that I am funny). Then I heard a huge "THUNK" sound, as if a tight string has be pulled apart rather mercilessly. I had a very nasty thought about my newly wed neighbours, but I pushed it back into the dark neather regions of my brain and fooled myself into believing that it was a rather strange sound made by a very rare bird.

Then my internet went down and then my cabletv went down. I went outside to check. My cable wire had got caught on a truck. The driver didnt see it because it was too dark outside. Liar. I hate it when this happens. This happens once every few months and everytime I get all the more angrier. Maybe next time I will tie the driver down and force him to see back to back episodes of Oprah.

30 Rajab 1425 -- 25 Bhadon 1925 -- 16 September 2004

When I was in college very few of my friends were told by me that I am gay. Most others realized it, because, apparently, it was very apparent.

One day a friend comes up to my room and makes sure we are alone. Then he says "Jalal since you are so gay and all, tell me one thing". I asked what. He said that one of the players on the South African Cricket team was gay. Then he asked me if I know which one was gay. I thought for five minutes. Then I told him who I thought it was. He stood there with his mouth open. I was right. Then he finally managed to agree that I am gay and that I wasnt just doing it for the attention.

Well what can I say. I have a very good gaydar.

Oh, and yes, please stop emailing and acting shocked that you have been reading my blog for a month and just found out that I was gay when I said it in my blog. I mean good God!

Hmmm, I think I did it again.

29 Rajab ul Murajjab 1425 -- 24 Bhadon 1925 -- 15 September 2004

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear me, Happy Birthday to me,
May I have many more, May I have many more,
Happy Birthday dear me, Happy Birthday to me.

I agree that this shows a sick and perverted level of self aggrandizement and absorption, but then again, as you know, I have no self respect and hence I can fall this low. Without feeling anything whatsoever.

Well, I am 24 now. My goals for the next year include getting laid, learning French and doing some community work pro bono. If I do end up doing that I will give you all a treat post next year.

28 Rajab ul Murajjab 1425 -- 23 Bhadon 1925 -- 14 September 2004

I was remembered a very interesting thing a teacher once told me - An after dinner speech should be like a woman's dress: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to remain interesting.

After trying to dodge your attention from this part of the post I will post away. I got a haircut today. Not of my own choice. My mother told me I will have nothing to eat if I dont get a haircut. Then she pushed me outside the front door.

So I went and got a haircut. By the time I got home my hair had dried up. And they were all standing up. I look like an incredibly large, yet interesting, shoe brush. Damnit! And to top all this off, I have to go to my office tomorrow. A place where all my enemies congregate.

Damnit. I always end up getting strange haircuts. Why the hell do I get my hair cut in the first place?

27 Rajab ul Murajjab 1425 -- 22 Bhadon 1925 -- 13 September 2004

My sisters and mother had a sudden attack of female chauvinism and they declared that the men of the house have to help with the cooking. Then they all started talking at the same time. Me, my father and my grandfather sat there trying to not listen to them while paying attention to a cricket match.

It was not an easy thing to do.

But after the women had been talking incessantly for half an hour we got up and baked a pizza.

We all ate the pizza.

They are never going to ask up to cook again.

Ah, well, back to cricket.

26 Rajab ul Murajjab 1425 -- 21 Bhadon 1925 -- 12 September 2004

Today saw another fight for truth. Another Crusade. Another Jihad. Another fight with evil. Another struggle to destroy what must not exist.

Me fighting on the side of honour and education as the criterion for judgeing a man.

My friend fighting on the side of money and position as the criterion for judgeing a man.

Obvisously, with my biting humour and ready wit, I was the one able to humiliate him more than he did me and hence win the argument.

p.s - what the hell is wrong with me?

25 Rajab ul Murajjab 1425 -- 20 Bhadon 1925 -- 11 September 2004

I came home very very tired from work yesterday. I wanted to spent the ensuing evening only in the company of sane, mature and intelligent humans. So I told everyone to leave me alone, locked myself in my room and took all the mirrors and put them behind the bureau.

Convinced of solely sane, mature and intelligent company I put on some Black Adder. Needless to say I enjoyed the jokes without having to stop at every one of them and explaining them to the company. I also did not have to give long lectures on Elizabethan England. Sane, mature and intelligent company.

I spent two hours of absolute bliss. Cackling as loudly as a turkey farm with an elevated xtacy level in the food, and the blood stream.

I had a wonderful night's sleep and was looking forward to a wonderful day of sloth and gluttony. Then, the heavens vomited on my good fortune, and, our neighbour came to our house and told my mother that "Jalal has been laughing loudly all night. Again. Hence I could not sleep". She, being an educated middle class Pakistani woman, told him that she was shocked at my rebellious and horrendous lack of manners.

She told me that next time I intend to act like an intellectual I should shut my windows.

I have been shamed in the eyes of lower beings.

24 Rajab ul Murajjab 1425 -- 19 Bhadon 1925 -- 10 September 2004

Today was the day that I had earmarked for taking care of my coin collection. It took me some time. But my collection is much much larger than I thought.

So I guess cheating friends out of larger and better coins by giving them smaller and cheaper coins and lying about the whole issue has finally paid off.

Yesterday when I came home weak and weary I put on some Black Adder and cackled like a hysterical henhouse after an infusion of Xtasy in its food supply. Today, our neighbour complained to my mother that I was laughing so loudly last night that he could not sleep. She obviously told him that she was shocked at my behaviour. Then she told me that if I have to cackle so loudly I should close my window.

I did that today and hope he does not complain to my mother again.

Blogging Revolution

23 Rajab 1425

I have decided to make one change in my blogging practices.

I, and history, will like to call this as the September Revolution.

I have decided to break my english blog into two parts. One right wing. One left wing. One conservative. One liberal. One moral. One horny. One docile. One outspoken.

In other words,

Search for love in Karachi will be a cleaner and more docile blog that does not contain things that will shock average Pakistanis.

Search for sex in Karachi will be a more vulgar and outspoken blog that contains information that may offend people.

22 Rajab 1425

I will never say something stupid again. I will never say something stupid again. I will never say something stupid again. I will never say something stupid again. Hmmmm, you get the idea.

There was an office meeting today to make our lives all the more lively. Everyone presented ideas about a certain thing that we needed done, well, at least the ones with brains did. I presented my idea as well. And a very well crafter piece of logical perfection it was too.

People actually thought it was not that good and rejected it with a strange sort of urgentness. As if they were afraid and jealous. As if they knew that the answer was the best possible and at the same time they did not want to acknowledge it because I presented it.

So there was a long long debate over the idea. Me for, about twenty people against. Things kept getting out of hand. Eventually I ended saying, "You just don't want to agree because it is my idea". There was a hush.

Later on my boss agreed that my idea was better. He then told me to make up with the others, otherwise he will drop kick my butt into everyone's cubicle and force me to apologize.

I gave a huge tea party along with choicy assortments and treats for the whole office. Things got mended. Everyone started joking and being merry again. I raised the same issue again.

They knew I was being an ass. So they just grabbed me and threw me outside the office. To cool me off. After all, they were doing what was best for me.

21 Rajab 1425

My sister had to go shopping with a friend today. My father and mother schemed and plotted with each other and forced me to drive my sister around this city. All along they knew what well happen, but like I said, my parents hate me and they want to see me hurt and suffer for small offenses like calling my father Zia ul Haq behind his back and my mother a conservative.

Not unlike my deepest fears I had to stand at every boutique. Actually I will not call them boutiques. I will call them shops which sell pieces of cloth that moronic extortionistic designers have the audacity to call clothes. Drunk five year old children, pardon me, drunk five year old monkies could come up with better clothing.

To make matters worse her friend decided that I seemed cute enough to be hit on. She started hitting on me. That is to say, she started talking to me and she started laughing like an exceptionally hysterical hyena. This kind of behaviour is very uncommon for Pakistani girls with their friend's brothers, in front of the afore mentioned sister/friend. I just smiled and then acted as if I wanted to go to the bathroom and ran as far away as the wind will carry me.

Eventually I came back to the two wemmenses. They had bought a horrifyingly purple peshwaz that I immediate decided was too western to be a peshwaz and too eastern to be anything else. It was the most horrible amalgam of east and west, including the desperate trials of Junoon to be counted as a western rock band.

When I got back home I was ready to bite my arms and go to sleep.

I drove 75.5 kilometers. I went to 33 shops (give or take a few). I spent 6 hours and 36 minutes.


20 Rajab 1425

A list of things you must never do when you meet someone for the first time (in other words, what I learnt today)

1 - Do not squeeze the other guys hand too tightly. He might actually be a shame upon the name of maledom and have a hand as fluffy as cotton, also, he might wince, loudly.
2 - Do not smile too much, especially if you just had black coffee and you teeth are blackened.
3 - Do not lapse into an awkward silence after inquiring about each others names, professions and health. Try talking about the weather.
4 - Do not try to break those silences with jokes that none of your friends ever laughed at. Not because they dont get decent jokes, but because it is extremely boring.
5 - Do not try to actually say that that joke is lame. Never, ever do that. Ok.
6 - Do not ask them if they would like something. Just get some tea and put poison in yours so you do not have to see your family honour go to dust.
7 - Do not make fun of people who wear white socks before seeing what colour socks the guest is wearing.
8 - Do not tell the other person that you have to 'go do a thing', because it gives you away faster than you can say antidisestablishmentarian

19 Rajab 1425

Today I was reading Mushtaq Ahmed Yusufi. He is an Urdu humorist. He is, what I would call, perfection. Along with master P. G. Wodehouse and the writers of Black Adder he is my favourite humorist.

Today was a very active day for me. I had attacks of sudden side splitting laugher. I produced high pitched squeals of ecstacy. I choked on milk and then saw it dripping out of my nose as I hurtled, every so menacingly, towards the bathroom. I let out a peel of laughter that frightened my mother into jumping.

To top it all off, I laughed so loud at one point that my strong physcial control over my over filled bladder gave way to a certain but not embarrasing extent.

It was a fun, fun, day.

18 Rajab 1425

I told you all about my new cell phone. Since I am such a genius, and, since I am so normal, I had to welcome it to my life. I do that by dropping my new cell phones.

I was sitting on a very high chair. No, don't ask me why? Ask me how high. Well, it is about 4 feet high. And please don't ask me to explain myself. It is a whole episode where my gradfather said something about getting a higher chair as satire to my grandmother who actually got a new 'high' chair made for him. But I digress.

Coming back to the cell phone. There is a normal way of dropping something. It drops ever so groundwards until it reaches the ground and stops. The genius that I am, I felt it slipping so I tried desperately to catch it, obviously, since I know that I am the most athletic human being since someone in ancient Rome threw a javelin so far away that people couldnt run that far in an year.

My desperate clutch actually hit the phone so that it actually knocked the phone harder towards the ground. Much, much, harder. And that is how I broke its glass. It is working. But, there is a huge crack on the glass.

Now excuse me while I go eat my arm.

17 Rajab 1425

I will present before you - Abnormal bathroom mirror conversation number 18 of the week.

So, I go into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and this happens,

Jalal : You are disgusting.
Me : Excuse me?
Jalal : You are a disgusting animal. You have not had a bath for four days. You stink.
Me : Oh you are the one to say! You haven't had one for four days either.
Jalal : Well, I don't care, you are dirty as hell. So just back off to where you are either upwind or too far away to cause nausea.
Me : You dirty little lilly livered yellow vermin!
(I suddenly realized that I am not in a western movie.)
Me : Oh will you just shut up. It is my body and I will keep it as I like it.
Jalal : Yeah, I can see that.
Me (very very menacingly) : What is that supposed to mean?
Jalal : Just that you are a fat, sweaty, smelly pig.
Me : You go too far! (I imagine that I slap Jalal's face with my napkin)
(I suddenly realized that I am not in a European period movie.)
Me : Oh please. You know which of us is fat. And yes. Shut up.
(I fog the mirror.)
Jalal : Don't you dare fog me. Oh how dare you! Come back here sissy! Come back! Co m e .....

Then he suddenly disappears in the fog. I am happy and I finally have a bath after four days. Yes, I am a very dirty dirty man. Once in college, I didn't bathe for a total of 3 weeks. One of the proudest stories of my life.

I think I will go now. Bye.

Basic Information

Name : Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan (It is not real. Just a pseudonym)(In honour of Jalaluddin Rumi)
Age : 23
Sex : Male
Orientation : Homosexual
Location : Pakistan
City : Karachi
Self description : Funny, Smart, Cute, Sexy, Educated, Compassionate and Flawless (of course I am exaggerating, what do you think?)
Looking for : Currently there is a guy R. So wait your turn for when R allows me to slut around.

17 Rajab 1425

100 point odyssey through my life. no particular order. CAUTION : proceed at your own risk. September 2004 / Rajab 1425 Version.

001 - I am an idiot to think that any of you will like to read this list. But I am posting it all the same because, like I said, I am an idiot.
002 - I like old nostalgic songs on TV.
003 - I like to listen to South Asian Classical Music (raagas for those who dont know what I am talking about).
004 - My friends and our friendship is very important for me.
005 - My favourite chemical is Testosterone.
006 - I like the sound of Azaan for Maghrib because of the strange mixture of feelings that it evokes.
007 - My fake sex buddy is Joe Rogan.
008 - I like to listen to Ghazals and Mehdi Hassan is my all time favourite.
009 - I have been swimming since the last 2 months. And I am seeing some positive changes.
010 - I have only gone with three people on what might be called dates. But we agreed that they are not dates. We decided they were "meeting things". If you think this was lame. You are in for a ride.
011 - The college majors that I wanted to do at some time in my life included Architecture, History, Political Science and Urdu.
012 - I once hid under a bed in my nani's (maternal grandmothers) house and fell asleep. It took people about 5-6 hours to find me. Then I was spanked like hell. I never sleep in hidden places since. Also because I am slightly edgy of the dark when I am alone.
013 - My favourite character on the TV serial Friends is Chandler, Frasier is Niels, Everybody Loves Raymond is Deborah, 3rd rock from the sun is Sally, Becker is Becker, Star Trek TNG is Commander Troy, Star Trek Original is Spock and Star Trek Enterprise is Tripp.
014 - I dislike and oppose violence and war.
015 - I like pictures of beaches in Latin American countries.
016 - For me the biggest turn on is a 'man' (masculine, rough and wild).
017 - For me the biggest turn off is if someone cannot talk properly in Urdu or English.
018 - I dislike if someone uses wrong grammar and/or pronunciation in Urdu or English.
019 - My MBTI personality type came out to be ENT and 5050 for P and J.
020 - On my first gay party. I ended up kissing four guys. The first one for 50 minutes. And I did not have one drop of alcohol.
021 - I am very attracted to policemen. Specially uniformed policemen. Also there is an interest in people from the Teaching profession.
022 - I can understand written French, Farsi and Arabi crudely.
023 - I like to watch satellite images and aerial images of the earth and different parts of it (yes you are right. I am a big big BIG freak).
023 - Humour I like - Satire or Wit? Satire.
025 - My favourite modern time and place combinations. Paris under the Sun King. Dehli under Shah Jahan. Vienna at the time of Mozart. London under Queen Victoria. Paris 1938. New York now. Karachi now. (I also fantasize a lot about these and life over there).
026 - My favourite English TV shows are Friends, Everybody loves Raymond, Frasier, Drew Carey show, 3rd rock from the sun, Star Trek (The Next Generation, Original, Enterprise) and Becker.
027 - When I went to the US I used to sit besides a lake a lot. The lake and its beaches were private property but noone lived on this side of the lake. I used to go in because I wouldnt be intruding on anyone. I was caught trespassing by a cop. I have this thing about cops and I had this huge thing about him at that time since he was very muscular and all. To save myself from trouble I had to act as if I cant speak English at all. He bought it and he checked my passport and let me go. Of course I couldnt ask him out. I am such an idiot.
028 - My favourite job would be one where I get to live in many different cities and countries all over the world.
029 - I am currently working as a journalist in a newspaper. I write some of those inconsequential reports on the inner pages which are corrected by my seniors. I also look for possible news items which get promptly rejected by my superiors.
030 - I dislike bigotry and intolerance (by the way I am told that I am a bigot and intolerant).
031 - Mehdi Hasan is my all time favourite composer, musician and singer. He has the best voice of all humans that sing in my opinion. (He is capable of giving me an orgasm just by his music).
032 - My fake boyfriend is Josh Lucas.
033 - My birthday is on the 15th of September (I wonder why they dont call it the Ides of September).
034 - My Ethnic background is South Asian sub group Pakistani sub group Urdu Speaking sub group UPite sub group Yousufzai Pathan .
035 - I can not accept or deal with someone being angry with me. It is a major weakness.
036 - I like the following comics Bizarro, Baby Blues, Wizard of Id, Rose is Rose, The Gambols.
037 - My favourite foods include Haleem, Biryani, Paay, Pulao and Nihari and well I think I should stop or I will keep going on and on and on and on (You get the idea).
038 - I am horribly afraid of meeting up with guys. Specially those I meet over the internet. I have no idea why.
039 - I have been doused in water 4 times in restauraunts by women. Women dont like my male chauvinist pig attitude. Frankly. I dont have one.
040 - At times I make strange jokes and laugh at them all by myself and stare around awkwardly at everyone else who is looking at me because of the joke and the ensuing hysterics.
041 - I am interested in history, movies, literature, music, art, news and politics (NO I am not dull in real life, also, I consider these interests a plus in the man of my choice)
042 - I prefer fruit juices over water. Water over milk. Milk over coke(read carbonated drinks). Coke(read carbonated drinks) over nothing.
043 - Once there was a cold rainy day. I had to go to my room in my university and I got wet due to the rain. when I reached the dorm the door was locked. I couldnt find my key. I needed to piss like hell. I tried to find a loo for half an hour. I was desperate. I was in immense pain and I didnt know what to do. Suddenly. I let all those muscles and ducts and everything free. I stopped trying to stop it. And the moment I let go was the most relaxing moment of my life. It was a sudden relief of an immense magnitude. Although I agree it was the most disgusting thing anyone had ever blogged about. But it was the most relaxing moment ever (For those of you who might stop loving me after this please dont. This was a once in a life time thing. It will never happen again.)
044 - I have a Bachelors in Computer Engineering. Which by the way is a subject that I hated and that I still hate with a vehemence very uncommon to humans.
045 - I am 6 ft tall or about 184 cms tall.
046 - My first date was one of those wonderful and perfect dates. It was with T. At the end of the date there is nothing that I say was missing or should have been there. I dont think I will be able to go on a better date again. Ever.
047 - My Favourite musicians/composers are Mehdi Hasan, Ravi Shanker, Bare Ghulam Ali, Amir Khusrau, Eric Clapton, Beethoven, Tchaikovski.
048 - I dislike wearing suits and ties and other formal clothing as a matter of routine.
049 - Of the seven sins my favourite is lust. There is no least favourite. I love them all.
050 - Favourite ancient time and place combinations. Memphis under Khufu, Mohenjodaro 2000bc, Persepolis under Xerxes, Athens under Pericles and Rome under Julius Caesar. Needless to say I would love to go any of them and I fantasize a lot about them.
051 - I am a virgin (no it is not a lie! I am a virgin! I didnt find the right person yet thats why)(And, YOU! In the back benches. Don't you dare call me lame again).
052 - A bit of unsolicited advise I give everyone. If you are a guy. Do not wear Pink shoes to work.
053 - Shortcomings in someone. Nagging or Stupidity? Stupidity.
054 - I prefer an open relationship where I am allowed to do stuff with anyone anytime. But my evil boyfriend R thinks otherwise. He does not want to see my happy.
055 - Sometimes when you are sitting with friends and someone cracks a very good joke someone on the table might spew all the drink out in a geyser. I once cracked a joke that was so funny that two people sitting opposite each other did it at the same time. Giving me a view of two geysers going in opposite directions at the same time. So I am 1 of 9 humans to have seen something like that in the last 10 years.
056 - Sports that I play include Swimming, Cricket and Horse riding. The only one that I really enjoy is swimming.
057 - I dislike narrow minded people.
058 - Some of the Urdu writers that I like are Saadat Hasan Manto, Ahmed Nadeem Qasmi, Ibn e Insha and Bano Qudsia.
059 - My favourie type of cars are large trucks that can beat any other car on the road. You know, the whole my car is bigger and badder than your car scenario.
060 - I once had a chance to get either my or my best friends grade improved in college. I got his grade improved. Never told him (putting this on my blog is a cheap shot, but I am sorry, I have an uncontrollable urge to please people).
061 - Likes in others. Beauty or Brains? Both.
062 - I have two blogs. One for the gay blasphemous man that I am in English. One for the gay blasphemous man that I am in Urdu.
063 - I once spent a whole day in my university to find at the end of the day that my jeans were ripped at an awkward location. And I was going commando that day. Suffice to say that noone ever jokingly called me a girl in college after that day. Even if I said that I like romantic comedies and want to have manicures and pedicures and facials for the rest of my life. Believe me I once said that just to check. I wasnt called a girl. I was called a metrosexual.
064 - Some of the Urdu poets that I like are Mir, Ghalib, Momin, Faiz.
065 - My favourite weather is overcast with slightly darkish clouds (kaali ghata), a mild breeze, light rain (more like a drizzle)(Phoaar) and sunlight breaking through the clouds far away.
066 - I dislike fanatics and fundamentalists(although I am a fanatic).
067 - I love watching statisics and facts and figures. I love stock quotes and other figures and statistics that keep changing with time. I can watch them for LONG LONG intervals of time ... like 2-3 hours without even getting a hint of being bored (Light background noise ... tweek tweek tweek(reminiscent of "Psycho")).
068 - My favourite times of the day are dawn(early morning) and dusk(late evening).
069 - I think honour is more important than money.
070 - I am currently living with my family (like all normal pakistanis).
071 - My zodiac sign is Virgo. I dont believe in astrology.
072 - I once got up at 4 am just to help my friend finish a project while he went to sleep till 8am. No, no, He paid me for it.
073 - I once screamed like a girl during an earthquake. After the quake made fun of another friend and his girlish scream which in fact was mine. He said it was me. Sortof my word against his. Everyone still thinks that other guy was the one who screamed (I know I am a devil and I am EVIL)(Hey watcha doin there Mephisto Bud).
074 - I was born in Karachi. I live in Karachi currently.
075 - Favourite medieval time and place combinations. Venice in its glory. Dehli in the time of Amir Khusrau. Samarkand under Amir Taimur. Cordova in 1000ad. Baghdad under Harun ur Rasheed.
076 - My current dating status is that I am having an over the net relationship with R.
077 - I like the smell of burning incense.
078 - I dislike the political right ... or the religious right for that matter.
079 - Some of the English(or translated into English) books that I liked very much Les Miserables, Passage to India, War and Peace, The god of small things, Lord of the flies, India wins freedom.
080 - There is no number 80 because there are two number 23s. And I thought you were paying attention.
081 - My fake girlfriend is Catherina Zeta Jones.
082 - Sometimes, I say poetry in Urdu(sometimes)(but not lately).
083 - Unlike most men I got my penis stuck in the zipper only once in my life. I was 9 at that time. It wasnt that bad and I was saved a lot of problems. But it was a horrible experience all the same. I always take care while zipping up.
084 - Favourite urdu TV dramas Waris, Tanhaaiyan, Aangan Terha, Chaand Girehn.
085 - I like the smell when the first drops of rain fall on the dry ground (soondhi soondhi mitti ki khushboo).
086 - A girl once asked me to marry her. We didnt know each other well at that time. Actually we had just spent less than three hours with each other all our lives. I fell down and died. I later learned that she says that often. She uses it instead of fuck off. Whew thank God.
087 - College majors that I now wish I had taken when I was in college International Relations, Political Science, Sociology, South Asian Classical Music, History or Architecture.
088 - I prefer to use English dates (ddmmyy) rather than American dates(mmddyy). Otherwise I prefer to use my own system of (yyyymmdd).
089 - I was buying something from a convenience store once. When I went to the payment counter there was another guy there. I was about 17 he was about 25. He was SO SO SO hot. Well as I walked upto him he looked at me. I accidentally said 'wow!' while looking at him. I said 'wow!' while looking at him. He got flustered and left. I never forgot I said 'wow!'. I am such an idiot. I will never get laid.
090 - Like most Pakistani men I have been hit in the groin while batting in Cricket. Well we were playing with a hard ball. And I was wearing a guard that is why I managed to live. The bowler was a super fast bowler. It was one of the most painful moments of my life. But thank god little Jalal and the twins are fine.
091 - I love these urdu movies Anand and one whose name I forget but it was about the Rajhastani women who defend their fort.
092 - I would rate money after honour, integrity, honesty, relationships, family, friends and education.
093 - I love good music. Music is a very important part of my life. I havent gone a full day without specifically listening to my music for a long time.
094 - The following story is about a one time thing. So do not hate me, for I have changed. Once when I was in college I decided to do a fortnight computer games marathon. I stocked up on food and put it on the computer table. Then for 14 days. I did not do anything except eat and sleep and play computer games. I did not take a bath for 14 days. Yeah. 14 days. But it was a fun as hell fortnight and I got cleaned afterwards.
095 - Once my best friend had to hold a whole sports event. So I helped him for five days in planning and implementing everything in that plan. I didnt sleep more than 3 hours on any one of those days. Then on the last day I fucked up and forgot to go get the guests. No event that year. Sorry man. I said I am sorry.
096 - Urdu is my first language. Although I am as comfortable in English as well. I think in both of them. I wish I knew how to speak French and Farsi(Persian).
097 - My favourite international cities to live in would be Paris, New York, Istanbul, Cairo, Rome and Rio de Janeiro in that order.
098 - Some English movies that I liked very much Amadeus, Shakespeare in love, Contact, An ideal husband, Gone with the wind, Star trek(all of them), Legends of the fall, Gandhi, Jinnah, The courtesan.
099 - I really really dislike spam and spammers and people who think that they can send me emails and probably through some freak accident make me straight again.
100 - If you just read through the whole list you are even more bored than I was while I wrote it. You also need a life. Maybe less than me but all the same. Or maybe you are interested in me. In which case the purpose of this list is fulfilled and you can drop me a line. Just by saying that I realized that ... Oh my good! I really need a life.

16 Rajab 1425

I had a huge fight with ammi (mother) today. She was being very very unreasonable. 15 minutes after the fight I got a sudden idea to see how would it seem if I were in her place. Then I realized that I was being unreasonable. Very very unreasonable. So I went back to her and apologized. And told her about a story where someone's son dies. She accepted the apology.

I am such an emotional blackmailing bitch. I am shocked at myself. But then again. Not so much.

So I again apologized to her. Well, lets just say that I had to make her tea four times today and will have to continue the process for a week to come. So it would seem the seed does not fall that far away from the tree.

And as we were having tea that all so similar announcement from the Masjid (mosque) started "hazraat, aik zaroori aelan samaat farmain, aik baccha, jis ki umar taqreeban chaar saal hay, apna naam farhan, aur walid ka naam rehan batata raha hay, masjid haleemia main hay, jin ka baccha ho aa kar le jain " (gentlemen, listen to an important announcement, a child, about four years old, his is saying his name is farhan, and fathers name is rehan, is in masjid haleemia, please come and collect him).

I think I got two evil emotional points over my mother with that.

I am so evil.

Grrrrrr! Rowr!

16 Rajab 1425

I had a huge fight with ammi (mother) today. She was being very very unreasonable. 15 minutes after the fight I got a sudden idea to see how would it seem if I were in her place. Then I realized that I was being unreasonable. Very very unreasonable. So I went back to her and apologized. And told her about a story where someone's son dies. She accepted the apology.

I am such an emotional blackmailing bitch. I am shocked at myself. But then again. Not so much.

So I again apologized to her. Well, lets just say that I had to make her tea four times today and will have to continue the process for a week to come. So it would seem the seed does not fall that far away from the tree.

And as we were having tea that all so similar announcement from the Masjid (mosque) started "hazraat, aik zaroori aelan samaat farmain, aik baccha, jis ki umar taqreeban chaar saal hay, apna naam farhan, aur walid ka naam rehan batata raha hay, masjid haleemia main hay, jin ka baccha ho aa kar le jain " (gentlemen, listen to an important announcement, a child, about four years olda)

15 Rajab 1425

Now that I have taken 3.22 quintillion pictures with my new digital camera; and now that I have burned two CDs full of digital pictures; and now that I have become so very sick of digital cameras; I think I will give the camera to my younger sister. She was salivating profusely while staring at it as abbu (father) gave me the camera. So it is only fair.

Oh, and yes, I was involved in a car accident today. Totally the other guys fault. Since my car was parked on the side of the road. So I decided to be overly macho and came out of my car all manly and gruff. The other guy came out and looked at what he had done. He started speaking.

I saw that he was gay; so I just let him go. After all, we have to stick by each other.

Now, only if he were a straight boy, I would have so kicked his ass that his friends would have made fun of him for the next twenty years.

And now I will return from my fantasy world into the real one. And you can proceed from my blog (sic) to other more entertaining things in life.