11 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

No matter how much I try to become normal. No matter how much I try to be an average guy I can not turn into one. I am just special. Special and better than the herd. I can not help it. I am sorry for being better than the rest. I am so sorry.

And now to break for the retarded attack of jalalophilia I will focus on the issue at hand.

The issue at hand being that tomorrow I will be able (finally, after a month) to read your comments. And after that. I will make some of my own on your blogs.

So until then I beg your leave. And as always, if you learn of a suitable guy for me in the Greater Karachi area. HOOK US THE HELL UP!

10 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

Another great development in my life took place today. I finally decided that I will never feel bad about being psychotic.

I mean of course there is a certain guilt involved. HAHAHA. Certain guilt Jalal? Jalal admit it that you are very very guilty about it. Oh shut up! What do you know about it. It is my thinking. If I said certain I meant certain. Oh yeah! Like you are the only one with access to that brain of yours.

Just because you are my multiple personality does not mean you know what I think. OK.

YEAH ! RIGHT ! AHAHAHHAH !!!! Jalal ... dude ... you so do not know what I know about you and what I dont know about you.

Well whatever the hell. SHUT UP! LEME WRITE IN MY BLOG !!!


So ... where was I. Yes. I am starting to be ok with being psychotic. Ok with talking to myself in the mirror. Ok with realizing that people think of me as very excited.

Who the hell am I kidding. I am not ok with it. Of course I am not ok with it.

I LOVE the fact that I am psychotic.

Special Note to any Psychiatrist reading my blog regularly : If you start feeling that you are going insane. Stop reading immediately. Stop thinking about this. Stop all contact with this blog for the sake of your own sanity. Ok.

08 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

How do normal people respond to situations where you have just been called a 'THIEF!!!' and the police have been called? How would a normal guy behave at such a juncture? How would normal people diffuse the situation while at the same time trying to appear human? How would normal people talk their way out of the police mess?

Oh. OH! I see. See that is where the problem is. I am trying to approach the situation from the wrong angle. I should not be thinking about what a normal person would do. Since I would definitely not know how to do it properly and end up messing it up. I should be thinking about what I would do.

So here goes the story of what I did.

I should have first talked to the shopkeeper to diffuse the situation. Instead I just stood there, my jaw dropping all the way to the floor, trembling like a autumn leaf in a brisk wind.

I should have told him that he can frisk me (Oh la la!) and since I did not have more than 23 rupees he would have let me go. Instead I chose to tremble some more and loose control over my capability of normal fluent/fluid speech.

I should have acted non chalant and waited for the police and explained things to them. Instead I started to stammer so much that the shopkeeper thought I was threatening him and he got completely excited.

I should have told the policeman to frisk me (Oh la la la la la la la la!) and since I did not have more than 23 rupees on he would have let me go. I did precisely that. It was interesting. Then I did manage to get the capability to make my brain work again and I talked to the shop keeper.

So I would say that all is well that ends well.

Except when I burn the shop of that lying, thieving, two timing, no good, unsanitary snake in the grass.

07 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

Another political drama in our beloved land of Pakistan. Another change of leaders that we have grown so used to that we have become completely desensitized. But there is one thing. A Prime Minister who is a technocrat will lead Pakistan in a proper direction. Much better than a rich industrialist or a rich feudal. Lets only hope for the best.

The most interesting thing in the speech given by Jamali Sahab was the complete lack of disciplne in the room. It seemed as if people were competing with each other for an imaginary prize for being the most rowdy and ill mannered human being (sic?) in that room.

But all the same. All is well that ends well. That is all that I can say.

Except when I realize that I have bought something at twice its acceptable price. I hate that damned shopkeeper. Sweet talking satanic being. Damned over priced shoes.

05 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

I went to this Arabian Restaurant in Karachi. It is called 'Damascus'. Nice atmosphere with people sitting outside. There were lots of Arabs there.

Damn! Arabs are hot.

04 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

There is a book store here that I love to go to. I go there and stay there for hours and look at all the books and think what I will buy when I get the money.

Today something wonderful happened. They had some sort of a raffle competition and I won Rs 1,200. Which is a lot. So I was allowed to buy books worth that much.

You would think it would be a wonderful thing. But it was not. It was one of the most horrible things that had ever happened to me. I could not choose between books. Nothing at all.

It took me three hours to select which books to take. During this time I had a nervous breakdown, a psychological collapse, a complete loss of bowel control and severe headache.

And then people say this was supposed to be a good thing. Bah humbug.

03 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

I love pens. They are so wonderful. Of course until they leak in a very expensive, white, shirt that you had just bought. After thinking for one hour if you can afford it.

I love fate. Every ink that I ever use get washed away by water. Juce because I do not need that at that time. But the time it leaks in my shirt. I can not get it off.

To top it all off. The most wonderful thing is that I have spent a huge amount on trying to clean the shirt. So now the shirt costs a lot more than it did. And it is still ruined.

02 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

I have to admit. As with all men. I am crazy about hardware stores.

Today, against all my better judgement (running slightly late for some horribly boring work related task), I decided to go into one. The first shiny thing on my right hand caught my attention. After that it was a slippery slope. I could not stop myself. By the time I got out I was late, poor, tired, hungry and very very happy.

This is about the time my boss decided to call me and ask me about progress on work related things. I immediately denied any such things (things being work related tasks). He immediately reminded me beyond any doubt. Then I told him the work will be in progress immediately. He decided, presumably against his better judgement, to leave me alone.

My boss is a good guy. I don't want to let him down. But. The day I bring home a huge set of mechanical and electrical tools is not the day on which I will be moved by my respect for him. It is a day when I will be moved by my need to do things with the things that I have just bought. (Not those things you sick perv freak)

01 Jamadi ul Awwal 1425

I hate my job. I hate my boss. I hate my colleagues. I hate my office. I hate my work hours. I hate the damned place where the stupid tea pot is kept. I hate the fact that the damned bathrooms are not clean. I hate the fact that my boss says XYZ in the exact same frikking way every day to everyone in the office.

Now, that is not me. I love my work and my work place and the people I work with. It is the damned whining from other humans that I can not stand.

I mean, as far as I am concerned. I am the only legitimate drama queen (king?). I am the only person who is allowed to whine. Every one else who does this is simply wrong and not in line.

Hmmmmmmmmmm. It seems I started this post with a postivite direction but ended up this way. Hmmmmmmmm. Brings a completely new meaning to "Me, myself and I".

Shut up Jalal. No you shut up. No you shut up. No you shut up more. No you shut up 10 times more than me . .. ... .... (ad infinitum / ad nauseum)

30 Rabi us Sani 1425

Today was a wonderful day.

I went with family to two peoples houses. One a colleague of my father's and another an old friend of his.

Two gatherings of excellence. I have had the most wonderful conversations in two very very very different groups of minds.

The first had too many fellow historians and praises of Napoleon abounded. The second had too many 'old boys' and I listened to all the stories from my father's childhood.

Excellent evening. Excellent.

As I go to bed ... I am content.

29 Rabi us Sani 1425

It is not a very common thing in our lives for us to have done something for the first time. Today was one of those days for me.

Today for the first time in my life I went to a market and stopped in front of a clothing store. And I decided that I needed to buy things (clothing) without other people (read my mom) forcing me to do so. So I went in and I actually bought quite a lot of clothing items. I also did not feel any remorse at the extravagant spending of the evening.

I have to admit. It felt wonderful.

That was then. And this is now.

Right now I feel like I have turned into a woman. I need to turn back into a man i.e. buying clothes only on pain of death.

28 Rabi us Sani 1425

I saw a wonderful movie last night.

It had the two things that I need in a movie. A wonderful story. And a hot stud.

The name of the movie was "Under Suspicion" starring Morgan Freeman, Monica Bellucci, Gene Hackman and Thoman Jane. It was a wonderful movie. I would suggest all of you to see it. Since I loved it completely. Actually I would order you to go right now and watch it.

The hot stud was Thomas Jane. I mean wow. There are hot men out there but Thomas Jane is in a class of his own. And to top that he is a cop. And to top that he has a two day non shave scruff on his face. This reminds me of a very dirty thing I said long ago ... "I wanna suck on your beard". Before I gross you out. I will take your leave.

Unfortunately I still cant read your comments. I am sorry.

27 Rabi us Sani 1425

Yesterday was officially declared psychotic in a hospital.

Today I went to a hospital and got another official declaration.

I went to the dentists and my mother came along. As soon as I went in the dentist motioned to sit on his chair. I proceeded to the chair. He stopped me and he said. Not you ... her. I told him that I needed the dental check up. He kept quiet.

Then he asked ... are you ... Ms (MyRealNameHere). Obviously I was not a Miss. So I corrected him. Then I went to the administration and talked to the lady who wrote me as a Ms and asked her if I looked like a Ms.

She was embarrased.

I don't that I will ever go to a doctor again. They keep making strange mistakes and revelations. It scares me.

And the worst part is. They are supposed to know about these things.

Shudders all over.

26 Rabi us Sani 1425

So now it is official. I am psychotic.

I went to the doctor today. I had to get my stomach problem checked up. They did some tests. Then they got some results. Which they did not expect. Which I did not expect. Apparently I am completely physically fit. Fit as a fiddle. This leads to another conclusion.

They are saying that I have psychological problems.

Apparently I am very excited. That is what is causing the problems with my stomach. Now if they had only asked me about this. I would have told them that I have severe psychological problems and that I am completely psychotic.

They had to take five syringes of blood to tell me something I already knew. Doctors these days!

I am so happy. I am officially psychotic. I am not a part of the herd any more. I am special (pun intended). I am psychotic.

Welcome to Psychotics R Us.

25 Rabi us Sani 1425

First of all good news. Then more good news. Then more good news. Apparently not a good day for people who dont like me.

I seem to be swimming regularly. That seems to have made some changes. Such as. I have lost weight and inches. Yes. I am not a fat bloated ugly pig that has fat hanging 5 inches down his sides. I am a fat bloated ugly pig that has fat hanging 4 inches down his sides. (NOTE: Above sentences not to be taken literally). If this keeps on then within one month I will be in good shape.

My regular trips to the pool have let me come in contact with a certain gentleman at the pool. The only conversation we have had yet were the abnormal one I have talked about earlier and two or three where I said hi. And he said hi. And then we just stood there until the physical pain of the circumstance made me pass out and he slinked away with some respect left. I am hopeful of saying hi again this week. Lets see where this thing goes. Oh, and yes. He has a killer body. I see him at the pool. I should know.

I was able to see your comments today for 2 seconds. Then Internet Explorer crashed and the capability went away. I am as always ashamed.

24 Rabi us Sani 1425

I am sorry. I still cannot check your comments. I am about to murder my dial up connection provider and immediately shift back to my old Cable Net provider.

Interesting things keep happening to people. And to me as well.

No. No. I am not going to whine today as I usually do when I talk like this.

I will only say that I have realized that when I grow up. I want to be just like my father. Also. I have realized that when I grow up. I do not want to be just like my father.

Now before I start whining about this strange conundrum I will shut up and let all of you semi crazed mad cows get back to your disorderly lives.


Corny Joke :
Cow 1 : Have you heard all this about mad cow disease. It is scary.
Cow 2 : What the hell are you talking about? Mad cow disease, bah humbug. BARK BARK BARK BARK ! MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW !
Cow 3 : Thank God we dont have that disease in our community. BARK BARK BARK BARK ! MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW !

Now I will prostate myself before you for the immense shame that I have brought upon myself for sharing this joke with you all.

I beg your forgiveness.

Good heavens God. I have to go now.

22 Rabi us Sani 1425

First of all I would apologize for my absence. I should have kept you informed keeping in view the situation in Karachi. I am sorry.

I still can not read your comments. But I am sure that within a decent period of time (1 week) I will be able to do that as well.

My mouse that I was complaining about is very very very dead. I am currently using my number pad as my mouse by using the accessibility options that windows has graciously bestowed upon me. And trust me using the number pad as a mouse is a bitch. I have already deleted three posts. Which is not a big deal since I know the whole post by heart now.

And now something very very spicy.

I went to a local and very chic mall with my family. In the perfumes and gentlemen's clothing section there was a very hot guy. He was a hunk of a stallion of a man. I would say definitely mouth watering material. I was staring at him stealthily (since I was with family and could not act like a lusty cat in heat). He saw me. And he came slightly closer to where I was standing. There he put his hands in his pants pockets and pulled them to the front a bit. This did two things. First it made his pants very tight around his behind. Second it made the coat skid up to give me a view of the above scenario. Needless to say, I went semi berserk. I immediately attained a certain physical condition. For want of anything better to do I immediately told my family that I need to dash to the men's room. I walked upto the object of my physical condition and asked him where the men's room was.

He being the pefect gentleman (and a very dirty one as well) decided to escort me to the men's room. I was getting ready, for the first time in my life, to perform certain operations on that gentleman and take care of his physical condition if the men's room was empty. But unfortunately the gods (the greek ones) defecated on my dreams and they did not come true. The men's room was full of people. So the gentleman dissolved into the crowd and went away. The only happiness that I got out of the situation was that I did end up performing operations that took care of my physical condition.

So I am still a virgin and very horny one at that. DAMN!

18 Rabi us Sani 1425

A list of things that I need to learn.

1 - When outside your brain do not hit on every male human in his 20s.
2 - When you are trying to buy perfume tell yourself that you are not a girl.
3 - While swimming do not stare at men or you can choke horribly like you did today.
4 - Noone wearn white jeans any more.
5 - Do not be seen by other humans while you are shirtless.
6 - Do not put food right in your mouth before checking temprature or you will have a three day burn like right now.
7 - Do not post on your blog while you are too excited or too goofy or you will end up with posts like the present one.

What the hell is wrong with me !!!!!

17 Rabi us Sani 1425

A good mouse and a good keyboard are necessities of the post industrial human. Just as water, food, shelter and clothing were those of the hunter /gatherer / agricultural/ industrial man. I unfortunately don't have either that are good or that are working properly.

The Keyboard is specially adept at typing extra characters. Usually i, h, k, s and n are typed as doubles. Not a very pretty sight, trust me. In addition the shift key likes to keep pressed and I have to bang on it for it become unpressed. In addition the Caps Lock key decides on its own when to sudden magically get pressed. To top all these wonderful condiments of the prince of darkness 4s and 6s appear in the text for no reason what so frikking ever.

The Mouse is another minion of the lord of darkness. It will work properly for precisely three seconds (or much much longer if I am trying to show someone that the mouse is not working). Then it will show problems in all of its actions. The mouse pointer will not move according to the movement of the mouse. It has a will of it's own. Most probably given to it by the powers of the rightist extremists who consider computers a corruption for the young muslims who should only learn how to kill and main and become violent pigs like all the other bearded animals on our streets. But, I digress.

Deep breaths Jalal. In. Out. In. Out. You are a sane man Jalal. You are a sane man. They are also human. They are also human. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. You are a sane man Jalal. You are a sane man. Now remembeb, they are also human. Albeit semi human but they are also human. You are a sane man.

I am sorry. I needed a break to be able to talk about the mouse again.

The buttons of the damned thing do not click until I bang them properly 3 - 4 times. The mouse wheel is the worst of all the things. It will work as you want it to. That at least I have to accept. But once I leave it. It has a choice of its own. It goes up or down by its own choice.

I told you all about this because it took me a very very long time to write this post.

16 Rabi us Sani 1425

First of all. Sorry for not posting regularly.

There has been some major trouble with my internet connection. Also I will not be able to check your comments for a little while. But I will be posting regularly. Inshallah.

Now for the post.

Things in Karachi have settled down. And life has again become boring. There is nothing like life threatening riots to enliven a man and invigorate life. All those young hormone charged men throwing stones and taking part in other violence related activites. Swoon.

Oh, and yes, I have to say one thing. A Lebanese family moved into our neighbourhood. Life is just like a budding flower at the break of spring all over again.