08 Rabi ul Awwal 1425

Today I revelled in two time honoured treats of Pakistan. Government offices and Traffic Jams/Routh Elongations due to religious processions.

The government office was wonderful. There were lots of people in the counters beyond the glass. There were lots of extremely dirty, rickety and loud fans behind them. There were lots of people in lines on this side of the glass. There were lots of extremely dirty, rickety and loud fans above us. There were load and explosive altercations every 5 minutes between people from the opposite sides since the office employees wanted to get paid (euphemism for bribed) to do their jobs (note: the already get paid by the government). When I eventually reached the counter the guy took one whole hour to find the papers that I needed. He came back about twenty times to tell me that he can not find them and looked at me with meaningful eyes. I acted as if I was a moron and did not pay him a rupiah(rupee).

After that I decided to go back home. When I was about to start to relax in my car I realized the traffic is being re routed to somewhere else. After trying for half an hour to go to the three other obvious alternate routes which were in turn closed I got pissed of. This is where I turned into a small gali (side street) and kept going from gali to gali. I did not end up on the other side. I ended up where I started. On a road facing the procession and with no way across. After three hours of driving and trying to find a route I got home. And then I realized that I had forgotten the papers from the office back at the office.

At this moment I took out an old pillow and punched it till I was sore and even more tired. Then I took a bath and vowed to bite someone whenever I am emotionally distressed. And here I sit now.

So, do you want me to bite you?

07 Rabi ul Awwal 1425

Is it me or are Turkish guys just so edibly hot! Hmmmmm. I don't think I want to present a lopsided or incompletely picture. So Ill just go ahead and try to be more thorough. Lebanese guys are also very hot. So are Iranian guys. And Syrian guys. And Uzbek guys. And Azeri guys. And Chechen guys. And Croatian guys. And Slovenian guys. And Maltan guys. And Italian guys. And Spanish guys. And French guys. And Icelandic guys. And Danish guys. And Norwegian guys. And Finnish guys. And Moldavian guys. And Moroccan guys. And Canadian guys. And American guys. And Cuban guys. And Brazilian guys. And Argentinian guys. And ....

Ok. I am stopping right there before I end up naming 200 countries.

Suffice to say that I have realized during the course of that list that I am quite gay and dont need to be confused about being Bisexual or something. On top of that I think I will have to make a list of countries whose guys I think are the hottest.

In other news I spend two hours a day working on putting electrical things in the house. Exhaust fans, lights, electrical connections, wires, and a host of other things. I was sweaty and wearing speacial work clothing. I was one hunka a eye candy for people like me. Unfortunately I could not stand on one side and stare at me. Damn! See this is what happens when you (you = any eligible male human) dont become my boyfriend. You dont get to see all these interesting things.

06 Rabi ul Awwal 1425

First of all, I completely dissociate myself from yesterdays post. It was all Jalal's psychotic handiwork and I did not have anything to do with. Hey, what the hell do you mean psychotic. Well, Jalal, I mean that you should read a post before you publish it. Well it was your bright idea to not edit posts wasnt it. Jalal, you know you are wrong so just shut up and lemme write today's post ok. Jalal is never wrong. Shut up and finish your porridge.

Please excuse us. I can be so hard trying to fight with oneself (Shut up Jalal! Do not try to butt in). God!

So I was prancing about all over the house, like a young stud (the equine one). Reading my History of India books. Listening to a wonderful Raag Malkauns by Mehdi Hasan. Enjoying life. Getting ready to go for afternoon tea. Then it all started. Without warning. First I slipped on somthing that I had left on floor. An evil inconsiderate action for which I was immediately admonished by everyone in my family. Then while trying to put the book back I got a splinter stuck in my hand. And due to this act of reckless brazenness I was again admonished. Then while everyone was having tea I somehow managed to burn my tongue in the worst possible manner.

So I sit before you with a dull throbbing pain in my foot; a sharp piercing pain in my hand and a burning sensation on my tongue. I am walking with a limp, using only one hand and talking in a way that is unintelligible to everyone else. All that I can focus on right now is "May Allah let these be it for now!". Please!

Slightly Multi Topical Post (First of many in the coming years)

05 Rabi ul Awwal

This post covers at least 4 topics. (Note: Please don't hate me for having very scattered thoughts)

I have finally, somehow from a website, managed to find a suitable Urdu font. It is called "Nafees Nastaleeq". If any of you want to read Urdu in a Nastaleeq font you should install it from here and go to my blog which uses this font. It is not a very good Nastaliq font but it is Nastaliq and reasonably readable and works generally. That is why I am using it. Although I am on the lookout for other more proper Urdu Nastaliq fonts as well.

In addition to the change in font I have decided to start my "Urdu Project". The Urdu Project is there because there is serious derth of Urdu literature and poetry on the net. So I shall slowly and gradually start typing poetry from renowned Urdu poets in text format. Starting with Mirza Ghalib. If you want to see the work on this project you should visit Tuzk e Jalali (My Urdu Blog) where I just uploaded the first ghazal in the Diwan e Ghalib. Daily updates should be expected.

Ohk. Now for the more usual subject from this blog. This is big. You need to sit down for this. No. No. I mean it. This is very serious. You all have toneed to sit down. Well it is about my sexuality. I am having a certain change thing going on. No no calm down. I am still interested in men. But I have been having strange feelings for women as well. I mean not sexual. But feelings that I dont know what they mean. I mean I dont just ignore the existence of women any more. I accept their presence.

What does this mean? Does this mean I am Bisexual? Does this mean nothing? Does this mean something? Oh my God I think Ill go mad!





Oh Oh Sorry dude. Sorry. I accidentally turned on some Heavy Metal music. That is off now. The sudden attack was due to the effects of the music not due to aything else. So now that I am calm. I am very confused.

And now for the last topic of the day ...

What kind of a moronic imbecile would search for "i am a big slut" and to top that for "Coochie, Coochie, Coo"? And what kind of a moronic imbecile search engine would send them my blog as a result ? (end of last topic)

Now run along and enjoy. Shoo. Shoo. SHOOOO!

04 Rabi ul Awwal

I havent read any of your blogs for so long that I seem to be cut off from all of you.

I hate it when wild, crazed and thirst weekends end. Specially ones where you push cars for long distances and your friends come over to your house bloody from all the fight that they had gotten into.

I told them that they could have easily beaten up the other guys. If they acted like real men and didnt use wooden boards (yes, wooden boards) during the fight. I mean come on. Only non male men use weapons. Weapons are for sissies who cant fight with bare hands. Men fight hand to hand and show who got the balls to fight. I told them that they could have taken 10 guys each if the other team (I know team is not the right word here but I dont have an alternative, of course I cant say army can I ?) had not cheated. I told them that they got beaten but in reality the other guys were beaten since they proved their lack on manhood while you guys showed that you can fight unarmed with armed men. I mean come on - show of balls! Manhood!

In reality we all knew I was wrong. The other group was smaller. It did have wooden boards but from what I know some of the guys there were total wusses. I mean even I could take them (you have no idea how extreme that is). And one or two of them seemed as if their families could not have afforded proper food when they were kids. Well, whatever, they got beaten by a smaller group of wusses. They didnt need friends to tell them that they suck. All they needed were pats manly punches on the back and the negation of there recently lost manhood. I mean they did win after all. A moral victory in a physical fight.

Is it me or can't I not even convince myself about this.

03 Rabi ul Awwal

Talking about guys night out. Today was the oddest guys night over ever. My friends car ran out of gas about a kilometer away from our neighbourhood. First we went to get petrol. It didnt start after we put that in. Then we asked a few people for help. Still nothing. So me and my friend just pushed the car all the way home. I am such a stud. I feel like going out, eating some raw meat and then spitting all around like really masculine men.

About the rest of guys night out (or rather in). I dont knwo what happened. They played cards all night long. Amidst regular trips to the tea shop and regular electrical load shedding sessions. And I slept. All through that. When I did get up it was late in the night. Half of the guys were playing cards. The other half was watching porn. And I would say that guess which one I did, but I think you all already know.

An interesting thing about me and porn is that after a very very long time I was watching it with other people around. But even so I managed to get myself very excited. Which is strange since I thought I had gotten immune to porn after watching it at least an hour a day for the four years that I was in university and more since.

So after telling you all that I am a stud and a slut in the same post. I think I need to leave before I confess other private details like my playing around with this guy while he was drunk. But like I said. I will leave before I say something stupid.

02 Rabi ul Awwal

Another weekend. Another night out with the guys. Rather, another long long session of the card games Hearts (Black Queen) and Courtpiece (Rang / Turup). So another night in with the guys. Just as a general nugget of information the guys are all straight and feel strangely uneasy when I flirt with them openly (openly being amongst out group of friends, not in public). Some of them blush, some of them threaten to get violent, which makes me flirt with them even more, which horrifies the living daylights out of them and stops them.

The whole evening includes walks to the nearby tea shop at about 2000, 2200, 0000, 0200 (from which I have just returned), 0400, 0600 and finally at about 0800 (note:these are approximate figures and their being taken as correct figues will make my friends look like a bunch of psychos - which they are not.). After the 0800 tea 'thing' we all just go to our homes and fall down semi dead on our beds not being able to sleep due to the excessive tiredness.

During the course of the night at least one of us gets high and talks about the strangest things which we laugh like hell at. At least one of us tries to get drunk by drinking alcoholic drinks but doesnt get drunk and we all them him to stop since he is obviously too much of a girl to handle things like that. At least one of us gets so sleepy that he sleeps while sitting or standing even (no I am not fibbing) and we have to keep him awake to enjoy the boys night out.

We all wake up late in the evening. Every week we decide to make Saturday the granddaddy of Friday night and to make it a wild orgy of gastronomical delights and competitive games such as cards but we are too beat to do that and half of us go to sleep at times enabling us to go to work on Monday fresh and juicy (did I just say juicy ? EW!). The other half just try to have a fun time and spend 2-3 hours that to an outside would be a bore fest at par with the Islamiat lectures of my 11th grade teacher (long story for another day).

So I have to go or someone else will take my place and then ill have to wait half an hour for being a part of the game. Ill tell you if anything else comes up.

02 Rabi ul Awwal 1425

I got Gmail.

Here it is ... jalaluddin@gmail.com

01 Rabi ul Awwal 1425

What do you do when you stumble in a public place. Fall enough to have to use your hands to get back up again. Everyone looks at you. Some of the giggle. All of them smile.

Well you can do what I did today. You can look back at where you slipped and go back there and rub it with your shoe. This makes everyone think you slipped over something that makes it someone elses fault and they think you are a nice guy.

Well, you think this is not good, but you will thank me when you do that in real life.

30 Safar 1425

Sorry for the irregular posting. I was slightly busy.

But, yesterday I had the quintessential Karachi evening. Me and my family sitting in the lawn having tea. A strong cool breeze coming from the west. The rustling of trees and the sounds of a hoarde of Birds.

Damn I love this city.

28 Safar 1425

Today I was enjoying a wonder breakfast. Fried Eggs, Omelettes, Boiled Eggs, Paratha, Buns, Bread, Butter, Cheese, Creme, Sausages, Achaar, Milk, Lassi, Coffee and Tea. Yes, my mother made all of that. And then I act like an ingrate and say bad things about her.

While I was enjoying the breakfast my mother finished her Fajr prayers and sat down besides me. Her face fresh from the wuzoo and the morning time. Then she started telling me that she had a dream. It was about a park where I fell into the water way and was swept away. And then she and my father kept saying that the current is too strong and that they can not save me. And thy kept running after me but couldnt do anything.

Then she started crying. She kept saying I could not save you I could not save you. And she kept crying for 10 minutes. Then my sisters inteceded and hushed her up. Those 10 minutes where as if the heavens were cleft asunder and ligntning bolts fell on my head. It was one of the most painful experiences in my life. It is rightly said that if nothing else than a woman's tears can melt the heart of a man.

I am feeling so strange about that. I feel as if I had hurt her myself.

She has been telling the dream to everyone that she met today and I have been telling everyone that I sure she pushed me in the dream and is now just trying to get the pity.

27 Safar 1425

Yesterday I got a comment by a guy who was asking me to try to be stright.

Well the thing is I do appreciate female beauty. Laetitia Casta, Jodi Foster, Catherine Xeta Jones and of course Reese Witherspoon . I do enjoy watching these women. I so enjoy watching women in real life as well. At times there is even an element of lust involved. But not usually. I just do not have feelings for women like I have for men. I would always choose a man over a woman. Unless he is horribly grotesque and the woman is actually a man disguised as a woman. But that defeats the whole purpose doesnt it.

There were times when my attraction towards women increased. I have to admit I have had periods when I was quite bisexual even. But they were periods after which I used to come back into the loving bosom of homosexuality. I did have one or two crushes on girls in the past. But trust me that doesnt mean anything since during that time in invariably has a crush on about 10 other men as well. So in effect it was just something that I could talk to my friends about the feel normal. Something that I have realized at 23 that I am not.

And here is a very badly composed Rubai in English with a complete murder or the rules of metre (وزن، بہر).

At the end of the day
I do think I am gay
I do want a man
To take me away

p.s - I prostrate myself in you present to forgive my cold hearted murder of the poetic genre of Rubai

26 Safar 1425

Yesterday I posted about talking to someone who is extrememly sleep. Today I will post about talking to someone preparing for the GRE.

You get used to talking to certain people on a daily basis. You get so used to talking to them that you can immediately notice that something is not right from a minute change in their choice of words or sentence structure. Suddenly you notice that they have started to use heavy words started with 'A'. And completely inappropriately.

Examples would include "Jalal why are you being so acerbic today", "Jalal your acrimonious remarks made me laugh" and so on and so forth. This sudden change took me aback. I immediately went to meet him and ask him if he was ok. If everthing was ok with him family. He was confused and he asked me why I am asking him that. When I said the list of A words - I was saying this and I saw the GRE book and I suddenly said ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He said that he uses those words all the time. But I knew the truth and I had evidence.

I immediately asked him when he started the word list. He said he did not know what I was talking about. We looked at each other. We smiled. I walked out triumphant. Just as I was in the door he said "I bet you dont know the meanings of those words". Since I have an obsession to get the last word I retorted with "I know then well enough to know that your usage was wrong".

I got the vocabulary, I got the last word, I got the stud attitude.

A reminder that I have an Urdu Blog

25 Safar 1425

I am never in my whole life ever going to tell anyone I love him. Until and unless he says it first and keeps saying it repeatedly until I am sure he loves me.

No use destroying your friendships over this.

25 Safar 1425

Has any one of you ever noticed how hard it is to talk to someone who is extremely sleepy. Even that over the net. Where they make spelling mistakes instead of the slurry speech. There are major errors in spelling. Something that one can live with and make out the correct spelling in context. But over here the line of thought and the logical structure of speech is not present. Making it impossible to know what is said. On top of this there are strange, misspelt, incoherent sentences that would not make any sense even if the grammar and spellings were corrected.

This is what happened to me yesterday when my semi dead friend was trying to tell me something. It took me 5 minutes and him about 20 repitions to understand that he has been awake for 46 hours. He knows that my college record is 52 hours. I knew he can not beat me. He knew he can not beat me. But at least he tried. Although he failed. This invariably means that I am a healthy, strong stud who is in complete control of his body (as you can see this was a cheap tactic to pull future prospective boyfriends towards me - do not use it on your blog).

Immediately after telling me that he has been awake for 46 hours he told me that birds have beautiful wings that make colours in the air; aeroplanes are huge metallic ships in the sky and Cricket is a game for people who like to lie in the grass. Yes. I know it does not mean anything. That is why I confronted him as soon as he had had his sleep. He denied everything. I presented him with proof. He said I had made it up. I am of the opinion that since he did not beat my record he is sore and will not acknowledge me. Well he can have it his way. He still knows I am the bigger stud.

24 Safar 1425

I will never fall in love with someone who I know will not reciprocate. I will never fall in love with someone who I know will not reciprocate. I will never fall in love with someone who I know will not reciprocate.

I am sure you have realized what is going on. If you havent. What is going on is that I am an idiot who has somehow managed to fall in love with a man who will not reciprocate these feelings. I haven't blogged about this yet but I am going to now and tell you the background of this whole flight or idiotic madness.

I met a guy on MSN about 4 months ago. He is a Pakistani living in Canada. Our net timings overlap and we chat 1-2 hours a day. After spending a lot of time with him, after sharing a million things, after talking about a million things, after having discussion over stupid non issues and after giving each other advice about a million things I have gotten quite close to him and he has become a part of my circle of friends.

Now, enter, the height of stupidity. I dont know when it started or how it kept proceeding but I started having feelings for him. I tried to stop them but they grew stronger still. I tried to leave them as they were and they didn't end. I tried everything in the book and nothing happened. I just kept having stronger and stronger feelings for him. After a stretch of about 3 months it is not an infatuation or a crush it is something deeper. That is what I was afraid of.

We have talked a lot about many many different things. I know him a bit. I know I am not his type. I know that he said that he can not have a friend and lover as the same person many many times. I know that he likes a girl who he wants to marry. No; no; do not get me wrong. I am not that big an idiot. He is not straight. He is bisexual. And I have a suspicion that he is straight but is confused.

He knows he is not my type. He knows that I said I can't fall for shorter guys. He knows that I meet up with other guys and talk to him about them. He knows that he is not what I might like in a guy. Hence he has no clue that I was falling for him because of all the things that I have been telling him.

So the situation became such that if I told him I liked him 'that' way he will have to say no and that would ruin our friendship. Something that I did not want to do. Despite my having feelings for him my friendship for him is very important to me. I do not want to lose a friend. So I was confused. I did not know what to do.

Here is where I start to mess things up. First I get some really bad news today. So I was slightly depressed. And he came online. Tried to cheer my up. We talked. Then I blurted out that I love him. I dont know what his exact reaction was except trying to tell me that he is not my type then how can I love him and that he has many bad qualities then how can I love him. I knew I should not have started to talk about this. I knew it. Now what do I do ?

That is where the damned internet went down and I am writing this and feeling angry at myself for being an idiot. Why can I not keep these things bottled up inside me. That has stopped me from getting hurt in the past. Why cant I do that now.

22 Safar 1425

First of all. OH MY GOD! I was using a new shaving foam today. As soon as I put the lather on my face I was taken aback. It has the strongest smell of mint. And It burned me. It was so very fresh that it felt as if it is burning me. I decided to go ahead with it but it was the strangest shave I ever had. When I asked my cousin to check it out he said there was nothing wrong with the foam. Then I remembered American shaving foam have a very strong mint feeling and I am not used to that.

When I went to the US. They day I got there I bought some mints. As soon I put one in my mouth and chewed it I felt as if I have put a smouldering piece of coal in my mouth. It was very very strong. I spit it out in the car park of the store. My cousin laughed at me and she told me that she wanted to warn me but decided to see what I do when I taste it. After that I always taste things from foreign countries before eating them. Better safe than spitting.

And this reminds me. God damn it. I am still feeling cold and tingly on my face. I am never using that shaving foam again. Except to experiment with it once.

21 Safar 1425

First of all, sorry for not blogging and not reading any blogs for the last two days.

Remember when you are in a restaurant and you are sitting opposite an exceedingly hot guy. Admittedly you two are sitting at the opposite ends of the restaurant but you constantly face each other. Then when things cant get better you start staring at him. And you persist. Soon he gets so edgy he changes his seat with his other friend and now his back is towards you? You don't remember? That is because you are normal. Well I do. Happened last night. To be honest. I am not even sorry.

Remember when you go to a tea shop and you order tea, parathas (greasy bread) and eggs? When they bring it to you you start eating like a hungry hog. Then suddenly you dont know what happened and you are leaning over your chair. You have dropped the tea on the floor. The egg is on your friends lap and the paratha in strewn about the table? You don't remember? That is because you are normal. Well I do. Happened last night. To be honest. I am very very sorry about that.

19 Safar 1425

I have finally decided to not destroy each and every one of my weekends. I was supposed to meet T but my mom went out and I had to stay at home since I had the keys. I know. I have the strangest issues. These very issues cause my life to suck at times.

But then the day became much much better.

I went to my cousins house for an all nighter. A night full of playing cards. Courtpiece to be precise. Now, I have very bad luck. I usually lose and my partners also get the most horrid of cards. I am known for that. But today was different. I got excellent cards. I played excellently. I came up with excellent quips and remarks and wise cracks. And. I came up with the most excellent of come backs.

At the end of the night. Which is now. I had outspoken everyone. Outplayed everyone. Outshone everyone. Outbitched everyone. And outsourced everyone (no idea where this outsourced bit came from).

I am such a stud and I am so fucking cool.

18 Safar 1425

For the last two weeks I have the same song as an alarm. It start to blare diligently at 0800 every morning. I did not sleep a lot last night. When the song started to play at 0800 today I wanted to break the speakers. Everything about the song sounded so very irritating. I forced myself to not go out of control.

This happens to everyone who uses songs for alarms on a daily basis. I remember destroying three very good songs that I loved by this method while at the university. Ace of Base - Lucky Love. U2 - Elevation. Beatles - Raindrops keep falling on my head.

So if you dont like a song and someone else does then you should tell them to use it as an alarm. They won't suspect your Machiavellian designs and you will get your way. Although I must warn you that this thing never worked out for me. Since people are not as lazy as me and change their alarms oftner than I do.

17 Safar 1425

I am very very sad today.

I lost David.

I mean come on. It was the only good thing going for me. I hate this.

And also DAMN IT. My friend at work has been the last to touc for the last 3 days. I hate losing. But I hate him more now. Tomorrow ill just hack his hand off so I can win. But then I will feel like I cheated and not feel the victory. Which would lead me back to not being happy.

Why the hell do I think so much.

16 Safar 1425

I am from Pakistan. A former British colony. I hate the word colony. I hate the word former colony. I hate the word British. I hate the concept of "White man's burden". I hate the idea that people from Europe (with a per capita manufacturing level holf of us South Asians at that time) would come over here to teach us things like proper governance (when there was widespread corruption in England), religious tolerance (something that the Europeans shoudl have learn form the Mughals) and the rule of law (remember the partitions of Poland).

I hate the concept of Britishers saying that we gave you the railroads (Japan made them without any colozinizing power), legal systems (Thailand has one without the help of any colonizing powers), democracy (a - democracy sucks and it is not the right system for us, b - have you seen the democracy that you have given us) and modern army (only built to quell local revolts and during WWII when the Japanese were about to invade).

I hate colonialist. I hate the fact that the largest diamond in the centre of the crown of the British Queen was taken from India. I hate the fact that British museums have more artifacts from South Asia than we have over here. I hate the fact that during the Raj the British used to have sings saying "No dogs or Indians" allowed on mnay buildings. I hate the fact that throughtout their 200 year reign of terror the tarrifs on local manufacturers were many many times those of British manufacturers.

I hate the fact that they burnt and bombarded the area of Dehli adjacent to the Jamia Masjid because that area was the centre of Indian Muslim nobility from all over the country. I hate the fact that cities were looted whole sale and everythign found its way back in Britain (there are more South Asian manuscripts, carpets, armamments and jewelry in private collections all over Europe than there are in South Asia).

I can keep going on but I would stop here and say. I hate colonialism. I hate the British for their two century long reign of terror in South Asia. I want all of the things looted from us back in our museums. That is not counting all the money syphoned off to Britian.

A note to Americans. I am sure you think I am being very emotional. But believe me if you guys dont leave Iraq soon. The Iraqis will think as strongly about you for the coming two centuries as I do about the British. I am sure you dont want that. Because at the end of the day it is a colonial enterprise no matter how much you intend to sugar coat it.

p.s - I just read in the newspaper that the sword of Tipu Sultan has been bought by an Indian and is back in his country of Mysore. Words can not explain my pride and joy at this event.

15 Safar 1425

You are at the office. You have enjoying some leisure time. Suddenly your friend turns up slaps your butt and says catch me if you can. Now I realized that I am not 62. I also realized that if I do run after him, some people might think it cute of us young folks to be prancing about the office. So I did just that. I ran. He ran. I ran. He ran. We ran into my boss. Who from the looks of things was less than enthused.

But I posed him with my finger and said 'چھو ليا' or 'touched you'. Then I removed myself from his presence post haste and went to my side of the office. He came by four times. But I athletically and deftly manauvered so he could not come close to me and poke me. The fourth time I was beaming with glee as I saw the old hag in our department chastite my friend for coming into our section of the office so many times. I actually chimed in and said he should not come on.

Then my boss called me into his office. The blinds were closed so I thought that I may finally get to have some fun on his office table (yes, big, shock, I have a crush on my boss). But unfortunately like most straight men he is also in denial. What he did do was that he told me that if he ever sees me running in the office again valueable limbs will be hacked off and given to rare carnivorous animals to feast upon. Unfortunately for me this cocky son of a bitch attitude intensified the crush that I had on him.

When I was returning from work the only thing that I was thinking was not about my boss. It was about how I was the last one to poke the other guy. I was so happy. Then as the car was stopping over a speed breaker. Suddenly someone pokes me through the open glass and says 'چھو ليا' or 'touched you'. After that I am just depressed. That guy better be prepared because I am not going to loose tomorrow.

14 Safar 1425

So exactly why do I seriously screw up all of my relationships? I think I have learnt the answer.

I open up too soon. I become myself too soon. Whereas other people keep acting like someone who they are not.

I should learn to be shallow, artificial, superficial and uncaring.

Then everyone will think I am a nice guy and I wont screw up my relationships like I do now.

Oh, and another thing. I have to stop that annoying thing I do. Annoying thing being - talking. I should not communicate with people at all, then I will retain my relationships.

But, Oh, I dont think that would work.

What the hell. I am going to be lonely and alone and without anyone to talk to. Just the way I was meant to be.

13 Safar 1425

I am feeling thinner today. The clouds have parted and the sun shines on me. Zeus has stopped throwing his lightning bolts at me.

Then suddenly I remember I am 23 and a virgin and single and incapable of finding someone and hence without any prospects of a relation at all.

The clouds get pursed. The heaven cleaved asunder and Zeus started throwing his lightning bolts and Hermes laughes till his sides hurt.

OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO BECOME NORMAL AGAIN!!! How can I jump from the first to the third paragraph? I mean how?

12 Safar 1425

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that I was sitting at home waiting for someone (which is strange because I hardly ever do that). I dont know who I was waiting. Suddenly there is the bell. When I open the gate I walk in. So there are two mes. The one that was waiting and the one that came in. And the strange thing is I thought it was normal. Usually on such occasions I start laughing at myself and saying it is a dream. So this time there are two of us.

Just then someone opened my rooms door and walked in. Yeah. You guessed it right. Another me. Then we three sit down and talk. After 10 minutes we all got quiet since there was nothing to talk about and there was a long uncomfortable silence. Then we all started to feel sorry for ourselves and our lack of sense. Then suddely the house started to fly and we all fell out.

Then I woke up.

Thank God.

11 Safar 1425

I love watching Satellite Images of the earth. There are some pretty good websites out there which have some wonderful satellite images.

The idea of seeing what the surface of the earth looks like in real life is wonderful. The rivers and the sea being blue and bright and shining. The urban centres that come up as gray masses in the middle of green fields. The slow changing colour from bright / rich green to khaki as forests / jungles change to deserts.

In particular I like satellite images of cities, for me specifically Karachi. The way the main roads show up. The green areas and the other colours. It is wonderful seeing the roads that you travel on in a completely different light.

I hope you people start watching satellite / aerial images because it is a completely different way of seeing nature at its prime.

10 Safar 1425

Today was just another average day in my life. The usual accidental dropping of the water bottle on my paperwork and saying shit shit shit shit shit under my breath. The usual jumping infront of the bathroom door but being too conscious / polite to knock or scream at the person inside. The usual overly candid remarks during formal conversations which end up with everyone staring at me. The usual unadvertant expletive uttered in solitude but heard by the most unlikely and dangerous person. The usual fight with my mother or one of my sisters which always ends up with them getting the last word and me pretending I did not hear it when they know I heard it. The usual crowd at the bus stop after work and me not getting into the bus any time soon because of the jostling and hating myself for not being one of the pushers.

Oh wait. It wasn't a usual day after all. I didn't scare away any prospective boyfriends / girlfriends away today. So tough luck. But I will do that all tomorrow Inshallah and if I succeed I will tell you guys about it.