Tuzk e Jalali: 200502

Monday -- 18 Muharram 1426 -- 09 Phalguna 1926 -- 28 February 2005

A wonderful wonderful day.

Someone called me and we talked for four hours on the phone.

Wow!

Sunday -- 17 Muharram 1426 -- 08 Phalguna 1926 -- 27 February 2005

A long long weekend.

I have realized that I do not like weekends. They give me too much time to think. They give me too much time to think about things that I spend my life running away from.

I love talking. I love partying. I love being in large groups. I love doing things which are fast and violent paced. Things where I have to think fast and give a result. Things where I am not allowed to dwell upon things too long to move off into tracks of thought that I do not like.

Running away. Running away. Running away.

نہ محبت ہے۔ نہ کسی گزری محبت کی یادیں ہیں۔ نہ کسی محبت کی امیدیں۔ نہ کسی کھوئی محبت کی باتیں۔ نہ کسی ادھوری محبت کی امیدیں۔ نہ کوئی آنے والی محبت کی سوچ۔ یعنی کوئی بھی غم جاناں ہی نہیں۔

I talk a lot. Whenever I am with anyone I talk a lot. I love talking. Talking talking talking. I talk and talk and talk. I have been told by everyone I am with that I talk too much. Every friend of mine, every acquaintance tells me that I talk too much. They tell me to shut up. They tell me to stop yapping. On a constant basis.

The worst is that I realize that I am a bit hard and irritating to be with. Actually that is not the worst. The worst is that I cannot control this.

Damnit!

See, I did it again in this post. Maybe if I tried to have some cool exotic style?

What say you?

Friday -- 15 Muharram 1426 -- 06 Phalguna 1926 -- 25 February 2005

Today I will present you guys with a list of things I did today but I hope not to do in the next year or so, and even then only so I can blog about it.

1 - Do not go late on the day when Psychotic-Dont-Get-Late-Boss-Above-Boss-Guy comes to work in our department.
2 - Do not smoke two cigarettes back to back and then get so light headed that I fall down in the middle of the office and my colleagues have to pick me up.
3 - Do not take Coffee black no sugar if you are going to feel so disgusted that you throw up in the corner of the hall.
4 - Do not get so frazzled that you try to run to get someone to clean it up, slip on the stuff that you just ejected and nearly missed it.
5 - Do not forget your tie and cufflinks when Psychotic-Dont-Get-Late-Boss-Above-Boss-Guy comes to work in our department.

Wednesday -- 13 Muharram 1426 -- 04 Phalguna 1926 -- 23 February 2005

Today I am going to blog about something that will do a couple of things. It will diminish the level of respect that you guys have for me. It will may you think that I am even more stranger than I am. It will make you feel that there are somethings that we have in common but I am so much more courageous and perfect that I can actually tell them.

It is about taking your pants off while you have your shoes on. I know, you will ask, why would someone do that? But, without answering that, since I dont have any answers I would say that I have had to do that a couple of times. Actually my reason was that I didnt wanna take my shoes off.

It all started because I had to change pants and not my shoes. First I though about how good it is that my pants can be removed from over the shoes. So I just pull them down and pull them over. That is where it started. The pants were getting stuck on the shoes a bit. So I pulled on them. When that didnt work I tried at least ten awkward positions in which to pull the pants as hard as possible. One of them involved me using both my hands to pull the pants, Oh, and yes, I forget, I was also grabbing it with my teeth and pulling it at the same time.

I know, I know, this seems embarrasing but if you ever try this. I assure you, you will go through the same thing.

Eventually I did manage to take my pants off in that way. Just that it ripped into two parts and it was no use any more.

I do not think that I will ever take my pants off with my shoes on.

Tuesday -- 12 Muharram 1426 -- 03 Phalguna 1926 -- 22 February 2005

I have not been having enough sleep for the last two days. I have been sleeping less than I would under any circumstance.

So, I am sleepy and hence slow at work. I am making the strangest of jokes at work that makes everyone laugh like hell. I am sleeping in the office and snorting and snoring. So now, I am so sleepy that I am acting strangely and everyone loves me for being funny and orginal.

What is wrong with people on this planet. Life was so easy before all of us came to this planet. Now, first we all have to live in the same body and have a serious multiple personality disorder and then we have to be funny. And then everyone likes it.

What is wrong with you humans?

Monday -- 11 Muharram 1426 -- 02 Phalguna 1926 -- 21 February 2005

آج میرے سامنے سامنے ایک آدمی نے دس منٹ کے اندر اندر اپنے پیسے اور انا کی خاطر اپنی عزت اور ایماد بیچ ڈالا۔

مجھ میں کسی بھی قسم کی تاقب نہیں۔

Sunday -- 10 Muharram 1426 -- 01 Phalguna 1926 -- 20 February 2005

Today, the 10th of Muharram, is a day of remembrance. It is a day of remembrance of the sacrifice given by Hazrat Imam Hussain.

Let us learn from it that when the time comes we should all be prepared to sacrifice each and everything for the just and right cause.

There is no greater education than learning that there are things greater than oneself.

Saturday -- 09 Muharram 1426 -- 30 Magha 1926 -- 19 February 2005

Upon certain requests I will today tell all of you one of my most ardently held bigoted hatreds.

I will say at the very start that the opinions presented in this post are not to be made any kind of a factor in any of your judgements of me as a person. I am only bold enough to state on of my very few bigotries. I am sure you have your own.

It is against a certain neighbourhood in our great city of Karachi. The name of the neighbourhood is Defence.

This all started when I was very young. I slowly and gradually started with a strange hatred for money in all its forms. I do not know why but I hate the whole concept of money and how it makes people into feelingless animals who should be living in jungles and not concrete jungles made to satisfy human thirst for spending and living lives detached from other humans woes and miseries.

All said, to me Defence is the embodiment of three things.

One. It is the place to live for all the Noveau Riche of the city. Anyone, who has suddenly (usually by either illegal or unethical means) due to some reason, come into a lot of money immediately shifts to Defence. They buy a big overly decorated, read gaudy, house in Defence built to make sure that everyone who sees it will immediately realize one thing, the house belongs to rich people, it is lived in by rich people, and all you other poorer beings are loosers. There people make the sole aim of their lives to show off their wealth in ways that I find simply disgusting.

Two. People from Defence are the more snobbish, ill mannered, rude people that I have ever come across in my life. You might expect un educated, illiterate people to not behave properly but you do not expect it from people who could afford to go get expensive liberal educations. And the height of this snobbishness are the statments (keeping in view that there is a certain bride that comes between the city and the main route to Defence) "I dont go to the other side of the bridge", "I dont meet people from the other side of the bridge", and something not said but usually implied "Ew, dont touch me, you are from the other side of the bridge". Basically this attitude of snobbishness is unbelievably disgusting and to date I have not found ONE person from Defence who does not have this attitude.

Third. People from Defence are completely cut off from and have no idea of our city. They lead a life in their own part of the city. I am not against this at all. It is ok. Just that when I live in Karachi I want to experience the city, not just the most expensive shops and parties.

I am sure that you are all shocked at how could I have possibly said all this. It is solely because I realize that this is wrong and that I am bigoted. Just that I can say this here.

I will say one thing though. That point number one and three are not so much the reason that I hate Defence. Maybe that is because it can not under any circumstance be generalized to all Defence dwellers. Actually I am sure that a majority of people in Defence do not fall under these categories at all. The reason for all my bigotry is point number two. I have yet to come across even one person from Defence who does not think that him or her being from Defence makes them better than me. I cannot say this about any other group of people in any situation because noone else gives me that idea or even the vaguest feeling.

I am sure that any one of you reading this and from Defence will hate me. But, from now on, every time you have a feeling of someone being lower than you think about the root cause. I am sure you will eventually realize that I am not an evil man jealous of you and that there may at some rate be something that has made me think this way.

I must remind you all again that you are not allowed to hate me based on the fast that I said something. I am sure you have your bigotries as well.

And as to my Defence friends. I love you all despite your obvious snobbishness. And please dont hate me, I am not talking about you in particular, just the feeling that I get from that place.

Friday -- 08 Muharram 1426 -- 29 Magha 1926 -- 18 February 2005

I had a very eventful and exciting day today.

Actually, I had another fight with my mother. And yes, all of you who read it haveto get involved. I really hate it when people do not want to get involved in such things, specially if they dont take my side. So, at the end of my story you have to take sides. You are either with me or against me. Mankind is divided on the basis of those you support me and those who support my mother.

First, let me tell you the basis of the argument. We are thinking about shifting to some neighbourhood closer to the city centre. Now, obviously, like all normal situations, we have a certain range that we can buy our house in. And, also obviously, like all normal situations, despite this being about our family, I know the range and so does my mother. Now, she is bent upon buying a house in a neighbourhood called Defence. For a million reasons I am completely against living in that area. And, thankfully for me, prices in that area are double of what we can afford.

Now, let me tell you why I am angry. For the last one and a half year we have not been able to spend any money on our current house because everytime I tell my parents that we are living in a hole in a cave my mother tells me that since we are moving we should not spend too much on this house. So basically our house has ended up looking like one of the more dilipidated buildings belonging on lists of international ancient heritage locations. But, we cannot spend anything here, because, oh, we are moving!

We have seen a large number of houses in Defence, large enough to know that we cannot afford a house in that area even if we sold our souls to the devil at higher rates of interest than the ones currently prevalent in the market. The only thing would be for me to cut my stomach open and sell my organs for rates much higher than otherwise. Oh, something like 500 times more.

Today I had a fight with her, I was begging her to think about places that we can afford, and she said, you are right, we should look, but there is no hurry, we will look at those places after I see these 14 Gagillion 98 Bazillion other houses in Defence first.

I snapped.

I went to our store. I picked up our huge collection of cardboard boxes that my father had told me to get rid off one year ago. And I ripped them all open. With my bare hands. One by one. Into tiny shreds. Until there were none large enough to be held in my hands. Then I sat down on the pile and laughed a loud, hollow, high pitched laugh for a long, long time. Then I started talking to myself and my self protection mechanism kicked in and I started joking with myself. I lead such a wonderful life full of psychological disorders who are there for me whenever I need them.

After a while I realized my anger was not over yet. I collected all of the fuzzy, white, cute packing material and I started to stamp it with my feet. There was malice, there was anger, there was rage and there was madness. After stomping them until they were too small to be stomped into paper thin crusts I sat on the pile and laughed a loud, hollow, high pitched laugh for a long, long time. Then I started talking to myself and my self protection mechanism kicked in and I started joking with myself. I lead such a wonderful life full of psychological disorders who are there for me whenever I need them.

After a while I realized my anger was not over yet. So I got a big, strong, sturdy, wooden stick and went to the boxing bag that noone in our family has ever used since we put it in place one year ago. Then I started to whack it. Hard, harder, hardest. There was a growing rush in my veins as the sound of my anger grew in my ears. It was a dull thump thump, thump thump at first but it rose it the beat of drums. Drum drum, Drum drum. Then when the feverish pitch of my madness had reached its heights and I was afraid my brain would just pop out of my nose the sitck broke and the bag burst. I fell down on the wood shavings, sand and cotton on the floor. This time I did not laugh. I just kept thinking about what I had just done.

Then everyone came into the room and took me to my bed and gave me a lot of sedatives. Since they all know that I never get angry and when I do I never remain angry. Of course they also know that my mother is the only person on the planet who can make me angry. So, what the hey. At least I cleaned up the cardboard boxes and the packing material, and I worked up a sweat. So all is good. My family is turning me into a lunatic. I behaved in a way that I can never ever explain. But, all is good. Oh, and such wonderous news, she is going to look at houses tomorrow. I am so happy.

So, how was your day today? Anything interesting?

Thursday -- 07 Muharram 1426 -- 28 Magha 1926 -- 17 February 2005

Ah, what wonders of weather. A strong piercing sunshine. A cool breeze. A million flowers bloom. Aroma bedewed air. Birds chirping. Wonderous traffic behaviour.

I had an excellent date today.

The future is bright!

Wednesday -- 06 Muharram 1426 -- 27 Magha 1926 -- 16 February 2005

The Karachi Stock Exchange 100 Index (KSE 100) hit 7,500 points today.

OH MY GOD!

I remember an extremely animated and passionate discussion with friends a while ago about whether the market will hit 3000. I, along with a very small number of friends, was saying that the market will hit 3000. A very large number of people were saying that the market is up above its head and it will fall.

Then the market hit 3000. The same discussion took place before 4000. During the discussion before hitting 5000 people were equally divided. Before hitting 6000 there was a severe attack of optimism.

And this time, 7 % GDP growth, record profits by all the major corporations, job increases across the board and an extremely positive outlook for the economy have made us all feel optimistic.

Have a wonderful future Pakistan !!!

Tuesday -- 05 Muharram 1426 -- 26 Magha 1926 -- 15 February 2005

I met a large number of new and interesting people today.

Very excited. Life is suddenly looking up.

I don't have anyone to talk to. Noone. I need to talk to someone who knows me and knows that I am gay and who knows how I have been.

My friends from college who know me are not with me here in Karachi and they are all very busy so I can not talk to them.

My gay friends from Karachi are also very busy and they dont know me that well and hence I cannot talk to them.

The guys from my neighbourhood are from a different world and I cannot understand them nor they me.

I cannot talk to anyone in my family since they are all slightly conservative and would get completely freaked out.

My college friends that are in Karachi know me but our relationship just is not in the condition where I can tell them that I am gay. I am too sick and tired of coming out to people. I do not want to do it any more. And I will not.

I do not have anyone to talk to. Anyone at all. I am sure that this blog has helped me a lot. But I need someone to talk to about this. I dont know what I am going to do. But the last couple of days have been very hard. Very hard. I dont know what to do. I cant seem to get anyone to talk to.

I dont know what I will do. I just dont know how to let it all out. I just dont know. Very fucked up. Very very fucked up. I have no idea why I am feeling this way. I havent felt this fucked up in a very very long time.

Fucked up and noone to talk to. The height of being a loser.

As of this moment I am never going to be there for anyone else if it in any fucking way inconveniences me anyway. People are just mean and evil and self centered, why the hell should I ever give up anything when I know for sure than people wouldnt even give me pity if I were dying on the side of a street.

I am such an idiot.

Ohk, it is final, I am a loser.

I have asked each and every one of my gay friends to find me someone, to hook me up or to introduce me to some other eligible gay men.

Of all of my friends, two have told me to find them guys since they dont know people in Karachi. Two have over the past month or so 'turned' straight and are ready to find me girls but not guys. Although they both know millions of guys and are sleeping with them. The last one just told me ten mintues ago that to find I should 'look around'. Basically he is not going to do anything.

It is official. Each and every one of my gay friends have told me that they will not, not can not, will not, find me guys. Even if they did not say this is words they at least meant that.

Fuck it.

Monday -- 04 Muharram 1426 -- 25 Magha 1926 -- 14 February 2005

Ok. I got up today. Spent the whole day as I usually do. Talking animatedly to myself in different accents while driving. Chirping around like one of those more obnoxious brids who seem too happy. Finding faults with people and nagging and criticizing till my breath departs me. You know, the usual.

Then I read yesterdays post. And I have to say I am sorry about that. I had no idea I was feeling that strongly at that time. So now I know. At least this blog is helping me understand myself in some way.

Oh, and yes, today I did something I love doing on the road. There was this car with a group of guys. The car was made to race and show off. So when I came besides them I sped up to tease them. And understandably he matched my speed. Soon I had started to race with him. Now, something happened that can only happen in dreams, and mind you I have very very strange dreams. No! Sicko! We didnt have hot sweaty sex in a grouped up ball besides the road. When happened was that we stopped at the traffic light.

I started revving up ... roooom ... rooooom ... WROOOOOMMMMMMMM. And understandably he did the same. Until we were both revving up our engines waiting for the green light to come on so we can prove ourselves.

When the light became green he shot ahead at an incredible speed accompanied by incredibly loud engine noise. I just moved at the normal pace of the traffic with me. He realized a few seconds later what had happened and decided to call off the race.

I love being an evil evil evil man.

Or, maybe, I am depressed because I am a fucking loser.

Sunday -- 03 Muharram 1426 -- 24 Magha 1926 -- 13 February 2005

Tonight I will tell you a story. It is a story that has played itself out many times in my life. It always starts in the same way. It runs along the same paths. It comes to the same conclusions. So let me tell you what I am talking about. This is a post where I am opening up somewhat and that is because I am in an extremely dark mood nowadays.

I come in contact with someone I like. This does not happen to me often. Most of the people that I meet I do not pursue. I let nature decide how it will turn things out for us. If they become my friends good. If not, ok, was not meant to be. I move on. But there is a very small number of people who I want to get to know better, I want to pursue them and I do not want nature to take control. I want to make sure that things go somewhere. These are those people who I want to be a part of my life.

This is where I start to fuck things up. There is a certain limit of time and company that you can spend with someone who you do not know all that well. I always overdo it. I always overthink. I always overthink. If I dont do this they will consider my rude. If I dont do this that will happen. And once I start to overthink I start to fuck things up. I usually end up forcing my company upon others. I end up forcing people who I have met online into meeting me. I end up forcing people into having dinners together. I end up forcing them to bear with me when I hang out with them.

I know, you know, we all know where I go wrong. But I cannot change myself. I hate that. This lack of control on myself even when I desire to change.

The end is always the same. People who I have hounded start to avoid me. They stop calling me or contacting me. It has happened to me with each and every guy who I have wanted to spend more time with that I should have. Each and every guy. And the end is always the same. I am sitting in my room listening to sad, slow, melancholy songs thinking about what is wrong with me and why does this happen to me each and every time.

Unfortunately something like this happened to me just now. And that is what has sent me into a spiral of depression. I am sorry to have burdened all of you with this but the only place where I can actually place all of my psychosis is on my blog or my shrink and since I dont have a shrink. It is my blog that sees all this.

Oh and yes, the songs that I have been posting all day long are the ones that I listen to when I feel like this. Strangely there is no relation between my condition and the lyrics. Somehow the feeling that I get from the music is exactly what I feel. So, in effect, things are very fucked up. And I have no idea what to do. Yet again.

Maybe the worst thing about this situation is that I can not blame anyone else for it. I am myself to blame for making the mistakes that I make. I can not shift blame. That is so hard.

Oh.. my love.. my darling
I've hungered for your touch a long.. lonely time
Time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me

Lonely rivers flow to the sea.. to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh
Wait for me
Wait for me
I'll be coming home
Wait for me

Are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me..

گھر واپس جب آئو گے تم

گھر واپس جب آئو گے تم
کون تمھیں پھچانے گا
کون کہے گا کون کہے گا
کون کہے گا تم بن ساجن
یہ نگری سنسان
بن دستک دروازہ گمسم
بن آہٹ دہلیز
سونے چاند کو تکتے تکتے
راہیں پڑ گئیں ماند
کون کہے گا کون کہے گا
کون کہے گا تم بن ساجن
یہ نگری سنسان
کون کہے گا تم بن ساجن
کیسے کٹے دن رات
ساون کےجو رنگ گھلے
اور ڈوب گئی برسات
کون کہے گا کون کہے گا
کون کہے گا تم بن ساجن
یہ نگری سنسان
پل جیسے پتھر بن جائیں
گھڑياں جیسے ناگ
دن نکلے تو شام نہ آئے
آئے تو بہران
کون کہے گا کون کہے گا
کون کہے گا تم بن ساجن
یہ نگری سنسان
گھر واپس جب آئو گے تم
گھر واپس جب آئو گے تم
کیا دیکھو کیا پائو گے
کیا دیکھو کیا پائو گے
یار نگار وہ سنگی ساتھی
یار نگار وہ سنگی ساتھی
مدھ بھریاں تھی اکھیاں جن کی
مدھ بھریاں تھی اکھیاں جن کی
باتیں پھلجھڑیاں
بجھ گئے سارے لوگ وہ پیارے
رہ گئیں کچھ لڑیاں
تم بن ساجن تم بن ساجن
تم بن ساجن تم بن ساجن
یہ نگری سنسان
پھول ببول بگولے دیکھو
پھول ببول بگولے دیکھو
ایک گریزاں موج کی خاطر
ایک گریزاں موج کی خاطر
صحرا صحرا پھرتے ہیں
صحرا صحرا پھرتے ہیں
تم بھی پھرو درویش صفت اب
تم بھی پھرو درویش صفت اب
رقصاں رقصاں حیراں حیراں
رقصاں رقصاں حیراں حیراں
لوٹ کہ اب کیا آئو گے
اور کیا پائو گے
کیا پائو گے
کیا پائو گے
کون کہے گا کون کہے گا
کون کہے گا تم بن ساجن
یہ نگری سنسان
یہ نگری سنسان
یہ نگری سنسان

الفت کی نئی منزل کو چلا تو باہیں ڈال کہ باہوں میں
دل توڑنے والے دیکھ کہ چل ہم بھی تو پڑے ہیں راہوں میں
الفت کی نئی منزل کو چلا

کیا کیا نہ جفائیں دل پہ سہیں پر تم سے کوئی شکوا نہ کیا
پر تم سے کوئی شکوا نہ کیا
اس جرم کو بھی شامل کر لو میرے ماسوم گناہوں میں
دل توڑنے والے دیکھ کہ چل ہم بھی تو پڑے ہیں راہوں میں
ہم بھی تو پڑے ہیں راہوں میں
الفت کی نئی منزل کو چلا

جب چانرنی راتوں میں تو نے خود ہم سے کیا اقرار وفا
خود ہم سے کیا اقرار وف
پھر آج ہیں کیوں ہم بیگانے تیرے بے رحم نگاہوں میں
دل توڑنے والے دیکھ کہ چل ہم بھی تو پڑے ہیں راہوں میں
ہم بھی تو پڑے ہیں راہوں میں
الفت کی نئی منزل کو چلا

ہم بھی ہیں وہی تم بھی ہو وہی یہ اپنی اپنی قسمت ہے
یہ اپنی اپنی قسمت ہے
تم کھیل رہے ہو خشیوں سے ہم ڈوب گئے ہیں آہوں میں
دل توڑنے والے دیکھ کہ چل ہم بھی تو پڑے ہیں راہوں میں
ہم بھی تو پڑے ہیں راہوں میں
الفت کی نئی منزل کو چلا

اے عشق ہمیں برباد نہ کر برباد نہ کر

اے عشق ہمیں برباد نہ کر برباد نہ کر
اے عشق ہمیں برباد نہ کر برباد نہ کر
اے عشق نہ چھیڑ آ آ کہ ہمیں
ہم بھولے ہوئوں کو یاد نہ کر
پہلے ہی بہت ناشاد ہیں ہم
تو اور ہمیں ناشاد نہ کر
قسمت کا ستم ہی کم نہیں کچھ
یہ تازہ ستم ایجاد نہ کر
یوں ظلم نہ کر بے داد نہ کر
اے عشق ہمیں برباد نہ کر برباد نہ کر
راتوں کو اٹھ اٹھ کر روتے ہیں
رو رو کہ دعائیں کرتے ہیں
آنکھوں میں تصور دل میں خلش
سر دھنتے ہیں آہیں بھرتے ہیں
اے عشق یہ کیسا روگ لگا
جیتے ہیں نہ ظالم مرتے ہیں
ان خابوں سے یوں آزاد نہ کر
اے عشق ہمیں برباد نہ کر برباد نہ کر
جس دن سے بندھا ہے دھیان تیرا
گھبرائے ہوئے سے رہتے ہیں
ہر وقت تصور کر کر کہ
شرمائے ہوئے سے رہتے ہیں
کمبھلائے ہوئے پھولوں کی طرح
کمبھلائے ہوئے سے رہتے ہیں
پامال نہ کر بے داد نہ کر
اے عشق ہمیں برباد نہ کر برباد نہ کر
اے عشق ہمیں برباد نہ کر برباد نہ کر

آہ کو چاہئے اک عمر اثر ہونے تک
آہ کو چاہئے اک عمر اثر ہونے تک
کون جیتا ہے تیری زلف کے سر ہونے تک
کون جیتا ہے تیری زلف کے سر ہونے تک

آہ کو چاہئے اک عمر اثر ہونے تک

عاشقی سبر طلب اور تمنا بے تاب
عاشقی سبر طلب اور تمنا بے تاب
دل کا کیا رنگ کروں خون جگر ہونے تک
دل کا کیا رنگ کروں خون جگر ہونے تک

آہ کو چاہئے اک عمر اثر ہونے تک

ہم نے مانا کہ تغافل نہ کرو گے لیکن
ہم نے مانا کہ تغافل نہ کرو گے لیکن
خاک ہو جائیں گے ہم تم کو خبر ہونے تک
خاک ہو جائیں گے ہم تم کو خبر ہونے تک

آہ کو چاہئے اک عمر اثر ہونے تک

غم حستی کا اسد کس سے ہو جز مرگ علاج
غم حستی کا اسد کس سے ہو جز مرگ علاج
شمع ہر رنگ میں جلتی ہے سحر ہونے تک
شمع ہر رنگ میں جلتی ہے سحر ہونے تک

آہ کو چاہئے اک عمر اثر ہونے تک

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I have to lose

Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end
In the end

تمہیں مبارک نئی کہانی تمہیں مبارک نیا فسانہ
تمہیں مبارک نئی کہانی تمہیں مبارک نیا فسانہ
خشی ملی ہے جو آج مجھ کو سمجھ سکے گا نہ یہ زمانہ
تمہیں مبارک نئی کہانی

نیا شریک سفر ملا ہے پرانی یادوں کو بھول جائو
نیا شریک سفر ملا ہے پرانی یادوں کو بھول جائو
خلوص دل سے میری دعا ہے نئی بہاروں میں مسکرائو
تمہارے لب پر کبھی نہ آئے گئے دنوں کا کوئی فسانہ
خشی ملی ہے جو آج مجھ کو سمجھ سکے گا نہ یہ زمانہ
تمہیں مبارک نئی کہانی

چلو یہ اچھا کیا کہ تم نے نیا جہاں اک بسا لیا ہے
جو میرے دل کو ملا نہ اب تک قرار تو نے وہ پا لیا ہے
نئی امنگوں کے ساتھ تم نے بنا لیا ہے اک آشیانہ
خشی ملی ہے جو آج مجھ کو سمجھ سکے گا نہ یہ زمانہ
تمہیں مبارک نئی کہانی

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I am so happy that you are mine
If I made you feel second best
Girl I am so sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his tonic and gin

He says son can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger mans clothes

Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says Bill I believe this is killing me
As the smile ran away from his face
Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place

Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talkin' with Davy who's still in the navy
And probably will be for life

And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone

Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight well we're all in the mood
For a melody and you got us feeling alright

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about life for a while
And the piano it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say man what are you doin' here

Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you got us feeling alright

Saturday -- 02 Muharram 1426 -- 23 Magha 1926 -- 12 February 2005

Today was by far the best day for me as far as human beauty is concerned. It was everywhere, in cars besides mine; riding in busses; crossing roads; getting their hair cut; doing window shopping; hanging out with friends staring at girls at malls; walking about aimlessly and staring at girls in malls; and finally smoking cigarettes on the sofa with me. Everywhere. Extremely acceptable and desirable human beauty. By far the best day for as long as I can possibly remember.

I spent a total of one hour and twenty minutes shopping for clothes today. Does this mean that I have turned into a woman? Please, do not hold back, give me your honest, unbridled, wild, passionate opinion. Hmmmmm, what do I have a feeling that the previous sentence got derailed from the actual into something that it wasnt supposed to derail onto.

Ah, well, I am single and rejected by everyone I have ever contacted and I am alone over the Valentines. What more can I need?

Friday -- 01 Muharram 1426 -- 22 Magha 1926 -- 11 February 2005

Happy New Year.

Thursday -- 30 Zilhaj 1425 -- 21 Magha 1926 -- 10 February 2005

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it when someone comes close to you for something that they need. Then after they use you they decide to move away from you abruptly.

See, it is about trust. I do not trust most people and that is why I do not let them hurt me. But when I care about someone I trust them, I do not expect them to hurt me. If they end up hurting me I hate it.

This has been happening to me a lot lately. People coming close to me only to get what they want and then moving away.

And, I hate it.

Wednesday -- 29 Zilhaj 1425 -- 20 Magha 1926 -- 09 February 2005

I am sick and tired of this layout with its extremely aesthetically beautiful style and its pretensious I am better than everyone else attitude. There are going to be changes in the next few days.

On a more self depricating (and hence more normal) note. Did I just make fun of how fat women would just start rolling if they fell down, in front of my extremely annoying back biting and extremely fat female neighbour?

Oh, I think I just did. Goddamnit!

Now she is going to tell everyone that I am a horrible person. She is going to tell everyone that I stare at girls and makes fun of other people. And that I am not regular with all of my religious duties. And that I drive my car too angrily in the street.

I had such a good reputation in my neighbourhood. I was the guy who only talks to everyone for less than two minutes at a time. Hence I was very very nice to everyone and they all loved me.

I hate fat female neighbours that I have been insensitive to.

Tuesday -- 28 Zilhaj 1425 -- 19 Magha 1926 -- 08 February 2005

As today's post I will just paste before you my comment box for the post made by me on the 24th of Zilhaj.

--- Begin comment box paste ---

Wow ...you EAT caffeine. Do you have a hairy chest too ?
Uberhomme

If it makes a difference, I spent the last two days trawling through orkut, and well...you are probably the most interesting, smart, sophisticated, gay man there..and since I have come the believe that the entire population of Pakistan orkuts, I'd strongly concur with your statement.
Manish

well on that good note..why don't we all have sex
Diana

caffeine? sounds to me like you should be eating midols.
Dennis

with each other? Orgy Yay!
Sex?

Does Jalal have a hairy chest? I think he should post a picture so we can all judge for ourselves.
Jere

yep..i want to see hairy chest too i love them
Jal...bring it on, boy lol
Diana

They saw it J...they saw it. Then I arrived in town, and they moved on

And yes, he has a hairy chest. Well, from what I remember of him at a party over a year ago, at any rate.
Sin

Sin--wait till I come to town.
Bruce

what a man without a hairy chest?
nothing ...

Jal never shave u chest!
Diana

Maybe you should take out a newspaper ad and let everyone know ;-P
Alexa

Ohk. This is going to be LONG.

Uberhomme ... Come over and I will show you.

Manish ... Thank you. See, everyone, finally a voice of reason.

Diana ... Stop hitting on me.

Dennis ... What is a midol?

Sex? ... ???? at the nick. And, no! I do not sleep with women. I am gay goddamnit. I am gay!!!

Jere ... I have a very hairy chest. And NOONE IS GOING TO GET TO SEE MY BOOBIES !!! NOONE SEES THEM NOONE!

Diana ... For you everything.

Sin ... Stop trying to steal my lime light. Oh, and yes, do you want to see my hairy chest again?

Bruce ... You did. We did not think a lot of you. Everyone still agrees that I am hotter than you are. (evil, artificial, hollow, shallow, hollywood laughter) HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH.

Diana ... I know, and I never will.

Alexa ... I DID! I ACTUALLY DID! Noone paid attention to it. They all kept paying attention to the add besides mine. It was about a 23 year old girl who can tell you what you are thinking and then do that very thing.
Jalal

--- End comment box paste ---

a - I will not, I repeat, I will not show you guys and gals my boobies. They are my boobies and I will not, I repeat, I will not, show them to you!

b - After reading these comments I have realized that my blog does not reflect very well on me as a sane decent man. Hmmm. Oh, ok.

Lastly. I have not been able to blog for some time, due to , a, my trip to Hyderabad, b, my net being down for four days, c, my desire to sit and grow fat without moving even my finger muscles.

So, I have had to make three posts today together. So you have to read this post and the ones for 27 Zilhaj and 26 Zilhaj that precede it and you have to read my reply to the comments of the post on the 24th of Zilhaj so that you do not miss out on the height of drama, adventure, action, comedy and perfection that you read about everyday and that is in other words the life and times of Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan as presented by himself in his journal the Tuzk of Jalal or the Tuzk e Jalali.

Monday -- 27 Zilhaj 1425 -- 18 Magha 1926 -- 07 February 2005

I decided to go for a long long jog today evening. Followed by some exercise. I prepared myself mentally. I went to check out a proper place for jogging and I found it.

Instead, when evening came, I ate half a kilo of fried Chicken and then satdown in front of the TV to watch comedy serials and laugh like a drunk hyena that has just been force fed too much ecstacy.

Do you also get the feeling that there is something wrong with me?

Sunday -- 26 Zilhaj 1425 -- 17 Magha 1926 -- 06 February 2005

I spent the weekend in Hyderabad on a hastily plotted and organized trip. A car full of all three of my regular weekend partners came over to my house at about 1830 on Friday evening.
I was told about a completely organized and decided upon (as if that could possibly happen) plan to go to Hyderabad where one of my regular weekend partner's friend's (I know, too long a description for too weak a relationship) house was empty and we could stay.

I ran into my house, said my farewells to my family as I packed my bag for Hyderabad, and a weekend of lust and gluttony. When I went back to the car I was told that there was no space left in the car. I was told that I have to go empty handed. As a compensation my evil, manipulative, self centered and ugly friends told me that they will take care of the finances. Me being a shrewd capitalist with a complete lack of self respect decided immediately that money is all that matters and hence I took the deal. Then we all shook hands. A rather unconventional and confusing procedure when there are eight hands to shake in one circle.

Nothing of note happened during the trip. Except that I did not have to drive since I was being abused emotionally in any case. And, of course, except that incident where one of my friend's "accidentally" stepped on something that cows do, and then move on immediately, ashamed of their foul deed. Of course we all knew that he wanted to step there, rather than his weak half hearted explanations to the contrary. How can someone step on one spot on a large wide empty road if one does not intend to?

We got back from Hyderabad at about 2330 on Sunday night after a long arduous journey of people laughing hysterically and smoking on cigarettes that seemed to be of such low quality that it seemed as if we were smoking wood instead of tobacco. And even that of the lowest quality. So I have a very severly sore throat since that period of time.

Friday -- 24 Zilhaj 1425 -- 15 Magha 1926 -- 04 February 2005

Why can people not accept the truth? Why do people hide from the truth in the desperate belief that it will keep itself hidden from them? Why can people not realize that I am the most eligible gay bachelor in Karachi? Why can they not see that I am the most handsome, interesting, smart, sophisticated, humourus and intelligent man in this city?

O Karachi dwellers! For how long will doth not see the truth! For how long will you smother the fires of truth!

As you can all see, I have hit a new crescendo of psychosis not hit by many other people on this planet.

On top of that I think I am mensturating.

I am sorry, I think I will go eat some more caffeine.

Thursday -- 23 Zilhaj 1425 -- 14 Magha 1926 -- 03 February 2005

Today for the first time in my life I was asked to make a will. I was not ready to do something like that. I soon realized that it is not such a big issue, the answer was right there. I put it in my will that everything that I have be divided between my sisters equally and all of my personal items be given to my mother.

Then I went home. I had a huge fight with my oldest sister. Now, I am sure, knowing me, you all know that it was all her fault. She was being unreasonable. She was being overly emotional and cranky. Also, I am sure it was not because I called her fat and ugly with overly large cheeks. One thing led to another.

The fight became a long match of malice and evil from her side and kindness and peace from mine. Eventually I stormed into my room. She stormed into hers. Like every movie and television serial we banged our doors and then I angrily paced about in my room. Then during evening tea I brought my will infront of everyone and cut off her name from the will.

That will teach her!

I am already cutting people off of my will. I feel like such a grown up.

Wednesday -- 22 Zilhaj 1425 -- 13 Magha 1926 -- 02 February 2005

Today, after a period of three months I went to a cafe which I liked to go to a lot. After a little time our usual waiter came. He seemed very happy to see us there. Very happy.

Before we could order he said - will that be all. We were looking at each other when he left. We were looking at each other and had started asking each other about which one of us actually ordered. Suddenly the waiter reappeared and came with our "usual". I could not believe that he would remember the usual after three months.

During the course of the meal he came upto us and asked us if I needed more. I said, no thank you. He said - you have reduced your food intake. Everyone else laughed at me. So did I. Then he said - you have lost weight. By that he doubled his tip. After that he started telling everyone how I once ate one and a half fried chicken. He then told us that he had been working there for seven years and no one ever ate more than I did that day.

I feel so proud of myself. Once again I have done something that people will remember me for years to come.

Tuesday -- 21 Zilhaj 1425 -- 12 Magha 1926 -- 01 February 2005

Today I went on a blind date. The guy is exactly what I want. Exactly.

- He likes to sleep around. I want a guy who sleeps around.
- He (according to himself) has a huge thing. I want a guy with a huge thing.
- He has a raw masculinity. I want a guy with raw masculinity.
- He is complete undiluted pure top. Of the things that I want a pure undiluted top is one of them.
- He (according to himself) indulges in wild sex. I want a guy who indulges in wild sex.
- He can keep going for 1.5 hours. Doh, I am gay aint I?
- He is completely independent. I want a guy who is completely independent.
- He has a complete go-fuck-yourself attitude. I want a guy who has a go-fuck-yourself attitude.

But unfortunately I havent had sexual experience. He on the other hand is some sort of a sex God. So despite my absolute desire to have him I dont think I will.

Goddamnit!

تزک جلالی

Jalaluddin