Tuzk e Jalali: 200503

Tuesday -- 18 Safar 1426 -- 08 Caitra 1927 -- 29 March 2005

I think I have hit a completely unprecedented level of comfort and ease with my boyfriend.

I mean, just today I smsd him that "evil manipulative web weaving bitch".

Although I am very happy that I can say this to him but at the same time I am completely worried that he might actually take this as a sign of insanity and in turn find out about all of my other disorders. It would be unfortunate because I already have a plan whereby I will bring them out one by one as our relationship starts to get monotonous.

Two years into relationship and it is starting to get monotonous. Jalal reaches into the bag and takes out obsessive compulsive disorder. Five years into the relationship and it is starting to get monotonous. Jalal reaches into the bag and takes out multiple personality disorder and introduces new dimensions to the relationship.

Oh how fun I am.

Mr B is very lucky.

Monday -- 17 Safar 1426 -- 07 Caitra 1927 -- 28 March 2005

Ahhhh, Monday. That most beautiful of Allahs creations. The day after the sleeping habits have been destroyed. The day after we have had a touch of heaven. The day after we realize that we can live. The day after we realize that life may have meanings other than doing the same thing over and over again and seeing it rejected over and over again by our superiors. The beginning of another week of toil and traffic.

Another issue with me and Monday is the starting of all the dread. It is a dread, a fear, a hidden longing and a known feeling that I will not be able to meet Mr B all week long. Due to our working schedules. So, instead, I decided that I will not have it. After work, today, I just went over to Mr Bs place and made out. Nothing better than that to suddenly end all of your apprehensions about the week. I would suggest it to all of you out there.

Sunday -- 16 Safar 1426 -- 06 Caitra 1927 -- 27 March 2005

Ok, this post is written by Mr B. Under my supervision of course. So here he goes ...

obviously the self proclaimed expressionist would be all cherry and peaches about himself...but reality is a bitch and erm according to him i am a slut..therefore here it goes.... he is one mother fucking sexy asshole....he is a dickhead too, he is opinionated...just the way i like it...proclamations proclamations...i wouldnt call it a temporary thing from my behalf atleast..yes i'm as smitten as santa's christmas gift socks waiting to be filled up with goodies....you pervert...guess what mister jalal decides to say when i say that last sentence....he thinks about sex... :S...he fills me up good, just right..and we havent even had sex as of yet..what to do mister and misses....i might throw some shoots i might even miss em but hell this sure came out to be a three pointer.....all the way down till the bottom of my soul.....
i wanna write on and on and on and on and on and on and on andon andon

Saturday -- 15 Safar 1426 -- 05 Caitra 1927 -- 26 March 2005

I got my first proper pay check this month. I had to buy gifts for everyone from it. My grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings and friends. Oh, and yes, there are other names on that list that I have not mentioned simply to keep the list seem normal and not completely berserk. I actually knew that all of my paycheck would go into gifts.

I hate gifts that I have to give to others. But I love the gifts that others give me. I specially hate all the thinking involved when you need to buy gifts for someone else. Why the hell is it that I cant just give them the money without thinking at all.

I went to do my shopping with Mr B. I think it makes a statement about how I feel about him. Also, it tells you guys that I knew we would have to park in some dark, lonely covered parkings and I might get some sugah. Which I did. Ahhhhh, I love the idea of teasing Mr B. I am such a tease and I love it.

Fuck, I need to get a life and talk about something else.

Friday -- 14 Safar 1426 -- 04 Caitra 1927 -- 25 March 2005

I am so fucking smitten.

Thursday -- 13 Safar 1426 -- 03 Caitra 1927 -- 24 March 2005

I commute about two hours a day. That gives me about two hours to read or listen to music or just watch my city as it grows and changes. I actually do all three. Of course in order of importance, that is watching then listening then reading.

Lately I have been reading a lot of Faiz and listening to a lot of Farida Khanum, Iqbal Bano and Mehdi Hassan. They have all started to make so much sense all of sudden. In the past couple of days. It is almost as if a door has been opened and light has been allowed to flood in.

Thursday -- 13 Safar 1426 -- 03 Caitra 1927 -- 24 March 2005

I woke up with such a big fucking smile. I did not even know that my mouth muscles are capable of being pulled so tight. Ah, well, all the more better for Mr. B (yes, I am going to call him that from now on, in honour of Blackadder).

Wednesday -- 12 Safar 1426 -- 02 Caitra 1927 -- 23 March 2005

If any of you expected that I would not meet B (that is what I am going to call him from now on) today, on a holiday, after last night. You would be wrong. I did indeed meet him today.

It was a wonderful Karachi evening. The evening breeze. The holiday's rushless roads. We got to the beach when the daylight was fading. We sat there for an hour. B decided that he wasnt evil enough already and told me that I cannot smoke any more. Complete smoking ban. I shall abide by it. I know are you reading this. You are evil!

Then we drove back to his place. During the course of the drive the city's traffic gave me a headache. And I, apparently, according to B, I gave him headache. Then he made us some tea. He makes wonderful tea. Then he gave me some sugar with the tea. And then I came back home.

All in all a very good day. If you do not include my idiot friend O with him moronic problems regarding computers. And to top it all off, he doesnt even frikking use cologne. AAAAA RRRRR GGGGG HHHHH. How the hell do you tell someone they are stinking like a rotting fish that has been floating for so long that even bacteria do not want to get close to it.

How? Tell me!

بدھ - 12 سفر 1426 - 02 چیت 1927 - 23 مارچ 2005

کراچی کی رات۔ تیز ہوا۔ ٹھنڈی ہوا۔ ہزاروں پتوں کا شور۔ ہزاروں گاڑیوں کا شور۔ ہوا میں ہلکی ہلکی خنکی اور اس کے ساتھ ساتھ نمی۔ کراچی کی رات۔ نمکین نمی بھری خنک ٹھنڈی ہوا۔ کراچی کی رات۔

میرے لئے کل کی رات کی ایک اہمیت تھی۔ وہ یہ کہ کل کی رات مکمل تھی۔ احساسات تھے۔ امیدیں تھیں۔ امنگیں تھیں۔ کچھ کہنا تھا۔ کچھ سننا تھا۔ میں تھا، وہ تھا، اور بس۔

کراچی کی رات۔ خیالات کا اہساسات کا توفان۔ امیدوں کی بہار۔

پھول پھول کھل اٹھے میرے پیمانے میں ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔

Wednesday -- 12 Safar 1426 -- 02 Caitra 1927 -- 23 March 2005

You. Yes you, you know who you are. Since this post is about you and last night. You are not allowed to read this post.

It started at 2336 on the 20th of March 2005. Knowledge dawned of a feeling that has dwindled with time and absence, like the dying embers of fire all but consumed, but still smouldering strongly from inside. The struggle between inhibitions and eagerness started. Stronger and stronger. Argument and counter argument. Decisions had to be made and roads had to be selected. Inhibitions were suppressed by eagerness.

I met him at 2257 on the 22nd of March 2005. I felt unsafe, alone in a different part of a city meeting someone I did not know. I felt vulnerable meeting someone who might not like me. I felt apprehensive of meeting someone I might not like. A million thoughts and feeling were going through my mind as I was waiting for him. A feeling was there that something was different this time. A feeling was there that something I did not expect was upon me.

It was an amazing night. Unexpected feelings emerged. Feelings that I did not even know I was capable of. Thoughts that I could not have every expected to carry. Emotions that I could not control or bay. It was like an explosion that I was not ready to cater to. I could not ever have expected that all this could happen. I did not. I could not have.

Too short a night. Too short an evening. Too fleeting an experience. Sitting there. Not saying goodbye and not wanting to say goodbye. Open door, waiting for an exit. Sitting there. No requests to stay from my side. Mistake being felt every moment. Wanting to. But loosing the capability. Sitting there. The exit was delayed, probably in expectation of protests, as should have been. There were no protests. He left.

Retrned in a daze. Complete daze. No knowledge of what is what was and what will be. Only of one night. Nothing else. The past in lost. The future unknown. The present was all that mattered. The wondeful summer nighttime breeze in Karachi. The noise of distant traffic moving about the city. The smell of the city at night. The present was all that mattered. Feeling him sitting next to me. Thinking about him and what he was saying. Looking at him and knowing him. The present was all the mattered. Time stood arrested. I was where I was.

When I was heading back to my place I realized that all of a sudden I have everything. All that was missing and that I wanted to find, I found all of a sudden. As I sit here; I am complete.

Wednesday -- 12 Safar 1426 -- 02 Caitra 1927 -- 23 March 2005

A date that I will always remember.

Perfection.

Tuesday -- 11 Safar 1426 -- 01 Caitra 1927 -- 22 March 2005

First of all happy 1927 in the traditional Indian calendar.

Now, there is something I have to tell you all. That is, that, it is, that, I am a sick sick sick sick sick perverted young homosexual freak. How so? Well, I will tell you about an incident after which you will yourself realize that I am indeed telling the truth.

Today, at about 1100, while at the office, I was staring at the hands of a rather handsome colleague. Oh, so you do not think that that is sick? Well, I did not tell you the crowning jewel. That would be what I was thinking. I was thinking that - how hot it would be if those hands were pulling my hair as we had hard wild sex on a cold marble floor on a hot summers day.

Well, no, no, dont go there, I am not only a sick perverted freak. I am actually a sick perverted freak with a good sense of humour and verbal capability. I mean, come on, just today I came with the following statement "Money is a sick sick sick vile evil thing that is meant for the blood sucking habits of capitalist pigs".

So there, I have made you hate me and love me in a small span of time.

How do you like me now bitch?

Monday -- 10 Safar 1426 -- 30 Phalguna 1926 -- 21 March 2005

I think I have started exercising. Why do I think? Why dont I know? Well, the answer would be simple. From all of my memory and possibilities of recollection. I am certain that I have actually started to exercise. But from all of my mental capabilities, I am pretty certain that I am just hallucinating the period of time when I jog. So I am not certain if I am indeed exercising or not.

Ahhhh, well, all these confusions do come with the territory of psychosis, neurosis, obsessive compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, multiple personality disorder and other ises and disorders.

In case any of you is wondering. No. It is not at all a reason to feel bad about myself. I absolutely adore my psychological challenges. They make me unique and very crazy. And, yes, a good weekend to you sirs and dames.

Sunday -- 09 Safar 1426 -- 29 Phalguna 1926 -- 20 March 2005

So, the weekend is over. A very eventful, any by that I mean, completely distilled psychosis filled, weekend. Let me take you through it. It involves some very saucy details. Read through it.

Saturday

1345 - Waking up, getting ready and changing.
1410 - Lunching while talking to my aunts leaving for America.
1445 - Lounging while talking to my aunts leaving for America.
1545 - Trying to somehow stuff two suitcases worth of stuff into one suitcase.
1548 - Sitting on a suitcase and getting someone to apply immense force to close the suitcase.
1552 - Standing on the suitcase with my sister sitting on it and everyone else pulling on the zipper that eventually closed and packed the suitcase.
1555 - Applying same procedure to the other three pieces of luggage.
1630 - Tightly tying all of pieces of luggage that look like balloons by now.
1700 - Started screaming at everyone to hurry up since we are late for the airport.
1945 - Leaving for the airport.
2150 - Getting back from the airport.
2200 - The guy I was supposed to have sex with (yes, you are not drunk, you read it right, I finally managed it) told me that tonight is not an option (it is me, that the hell else did you expect?).
2205 - Extremely depressed
2215 - Left for a friend's house instead, happy and depressed at the same time.

Sunday -

0015 - Entered a coffee shop that was full and turned us out. Go to hell 'Caffeine'.
0030 - Had two cups of extremely bitter and extreme strong coffee.
0100 - My friend and I started movie - The Aviator.
0110 - Started feeling depressed and imprisoned to my complete lack of being able to talk to anyone else in this city about my sexual orientation and related issues.
0125 - Started feeling depressed and imprisoned to my complete lack of being able to talk to anyone else in this city about my sexual orientation and related issues.
0140 - Started feeling depressed and imprisoned to my complete lack of being able to talk to anyone else in this city about my sexual orientation and related issues.
0145 - Stopped the movie.
0146 - Told my friend that I am in love with a woman.
0147 - Started telling him a story about how I fell in love with her, ended up telling her, and she said that she is not interested, and how I am still not over her.
0220 - He asks me what is her name.
0221 - Start of first very long, very uncomfortable, very playing with my hair and avoiding eye contact, silence.
0230 - I tell him it gets more interesting.
0231 - Start of second very long, very uncomfortable, very playing with my hair and avoiding eye contact, silence.
0240 - I tell him that I told him this story to tell him that I am actually gay.
0241 - Start of third very long, very uncomfortable, very playing with my hair and avoiding eye contact, silence.
0255 - He starts talking to me about how it is natural and how it might be because I am too used to women, or maybe coz I watch too much porn. In a way a very normal way of saying that maybe I think I am gay but I may not be.
0310 - I interrupt him and tell him that I am gay and that I am ok with him.
0311 - He told me that he is completely ok with it.
0312 - We talked.
0420 - We realized that nothing has changed and we are still the same.
0450 - I went to sleep.
1220 - Got up.
1245 - Other friends started joining us.
1330 - Went out for breakfast.
1345 - Went with friends to watch the sea from different vantage points for long periods of time.
1700 - Started off for home.
1750 - Got back home.
1752 - Said my salaams to everyone and went to my room to get ready.
1850 - Left for meeting up, for the first time, with a gay guy I know.
1930 - He actually showed up and did not ditch me like I am used to.
1940 - Went for a drive.
2020 - Had tea and coffee.
2110 - Dropped him back after a completely wonderful meeting.
2249 - Blogged

There is a lot more distilled psychosis in the weekend story, but I am going to spare you guys the agony of having to go through my brain. Have a wonderful Monday.

Friday -- 07 Safar 1426 -- 27 Phalguna 1926 -- 18 March 2005

Some of the most beautiful things in life come from Britain. Such as the television series Black Adder, that I watched for an hour today. That most excellent of humorists P. G. Wodehouse, who makes my trips to the loo much more worthwhile. The House of Lords, that has provided us with immense amounts of entertainment and finger pointing opportunities over the years.

Ahhhh, Britain, it is a nice little, tight little island.

Thursday -- 06 Safar 1426 -- 26 Phalguna 1926 -- 17 March 2005

Spring is over. Summer has arrived. A strong, warm, humid sea breeze blows across the face of the city by the Arabian Sea and gives the city a flavour, a texture, a feeling, an emotion. All so characteristic of Karachi in the summers. The Mango trees bloom.

The evenings come with tea drinking sessions on the terrace cooled by the strong, warm, humid evening gusts of wind. The nights come with late night discussions under the starry sky cooled by strong, cool, humid gusts of wind.

The fans are turned on full. Every fan with its characteristic sound and noise. Churning out a cool breeze. A feeling of cooling accompanied with a certain sound, a certain temprature, a certain smell. My companion, the fan in my room. It is what to me means summers.

The wonderful smell of the flowers of the Raat ki Rani, which grows right outside my window. The scent that it carries from my window through the whole house. That wonderous, seductive, enchanting, magical smell. The smell of a lover. The smell of summer.

Oh, yes, summers have arrived. And, as is the case, everytime the weather changes, memories flood in, of the same change, in bygone ages, at college, at school and at work. Every change, from year to year, where I was, what I was, who I was. All come back flooding to me.

Tuesday -- 04 Safar 1426 -- 24 Phalguna 1926 -- 15 March 2005

Things have been bad. Very bad. My internet has been down all the time. I do not get time to get them fixed after work.

And, as if this was not bad enough, last night I had a dream where I was dangling a packet of the most delicious 'ras malai' in front of my cable guy / cable wallah and not letting him have any of it as a means of torture to get even with him for the bad internet situation.

Then, in the day I went insane and ate one kilos of ras malai.

To top all this off, my horoscope read that I am a cruel heartless beast of a person. DAMN IT! How did they find out! I try so hard to keep it hidden.

Sunday -- 02 Safar 1426 -- 22 Phalguna 1926 -- 13 March 2005

Haleem Night

Yet another excellent weekend. It was out annual Haleem weekend.

One Night.
Two cauldrons of Haleem.
Four joints smoked
Eleven hours of cooking and preperations.
Fourteen Guys.
Twenty cigarettes smoked
Twenty Seven packets of Haleem prepared.
Thirty two kilometers of driving to get the ingredients.
Five billion seventy three million two thousand and five hundred and two times thinking about sleeping and not getting a place to sleep.

Friday -- 29 Muharram 1426 -- 20 Phalguna 1926 -- 11 March 2005

Ahhhh, Fridays, the day when everyone I know goes off for Friday prayers and I do not.

A day when everone I know asks me when I will get ready for the prayers and I tell them I am not going. And then they all look at me with horror, disgust, despair and apathy in their eyes, as if to say, oh, we are so sorry for you and angry at you at the same time. We wish that you save yourself from the fires of hell by good deeds, which is in our eyes only a futile wish since you are one of those who miss Friday prayers.

Once again, we are sorry you are going to go to hell even though we like you so much our paths will be different after the end.

Now, any normal person would just start going for the Friday prayers after this happeneing week in week out. But not me. I am different. I like to oppose and contradict people for the fun of it.

May Allah bless me!

Thursday -- 28 Muharram 1426 -- 19 Phalguna 1926 -- 10 March 2005

So, when your boss's boss's boss' boss is coming to town you are excited. You take out your best suit (which in my case is a horribly cheap brown suit). You take out your best shirt, cufflinks, tie, tie clip, shoes, belt and hair products. You get all ready to look your best and learn something from the occasion.

This is where what happened to me today differs from what happens to the rest of the world on such occasions.

Now I will tell you how all these important days/meetings go for me. It started with me getting into my car about one and a quarter hour before I was supposed to get there. This is not because I am a moronic imbecile that read the time wrong, although that has been true in the past, it is not this time. I got out so early because I wanted to keep a time cushion for traffic jams. Which are horrible at that time of the day. And I did take one hour to get to my office. During which time there was a jam where I got enough time to get out of the car, get my coat off and put it on the backseat.

Once I got to the office I realized that noone is there. I am still too early. So I go in and try to put on my coat. Which by the way is frikking wet. How did it get wet? Well, someone decided to open a bottle of water on the backseat. So, the coat marinated in water for one hour on a hot humid day in the backseat. So, I had to put it infront of the air conditioner to dry out. And then my day picked up, everything went very well.

Then later on, when we were having tea. We as in the other people. I, at this point in time, was stuffing myself with so many biscuits that I was finding it hard to keep them inside my face. So, there I am, all stuffed and confused and well fed. Suddenly the boss's boss's boss' boss comes up to me and a couple of people standing with me and start a conversation.

Now, I cannot spit the biscuits out, I cannot reply to him, I cannot move my face because I am afraid the bicuits will shoot out. Then I realize that he sees it and makes some sort of a joke about stuffed faces or something. I start laughing. It is horrible. I want to laugh explosively with my mouth closed. So I am giggling / bawling / laughing / whateverthehellnot all in one go. Then he starts laughing at me and suddenly shows the courtesy of turning over and talking to other people.

What the fuck is wrong with me! Is this why I am still with an unpopped cherry?

Wednesday -- 27 Muharram 1426 -- 18 Phalguna 1926 -- 09 March 2005

Ok. Depression is over. I am normal now. Gonna blog on now.

This weekend was wonderful. I woke up besides a very cute, well built guy with a two day scruff. Then I turned over and there was another guy with the same immaculate credentials sleeping on that side of the bed. I know, I know, you all think I finally popped my cherry but that is not the case.

It was my usual Sunday morning wake up after the crazy parth night that we have every weekend on Saturday.

Ahhh hhhh hhhh hhhh, there are such wonderous joys in life.

Wednesday -- 27 Muharram 1426 -- 18 Phalguna 1926 -- 09 March 2005

Ok. Depression is over. I am normal now. Gonna blog on now.

Saturday -- 23 Muharram 1426 -- 14 Phalguna 1926 -- 05 March 2005

Yes! Yes! Yes! It works!

I T I S A L I V E ! ! ! ! !

The net is finally alive so I can blog now.

تزک جلالی

Jalaluddin