Tuzk e Jalali: 200501

Monday -- 20 Zilhaj 1425 -- 11 Magha 1926 -- 31 January 2005

Terrible, Horrible, Horrible, Terrible day. Terrible. Simply disgusting. Horrible traffic. Terrible mood. And disgusting behaviour of my mother. Horrible, horrible, terrible day.

Sunday -- 19 Zilhaj 1425 -- 10 Magha 1926 -- 30 January 2005

I was out with friends all day long. I got eight calls from home asking me when I will be back. I am moving out in a month or so. I really can't take it any more.

There is one thing relating to human relations where I am very weak. It is relating to the concept of being friends with someone who does not like your company any more. I usually do not get the hints. I just keep thinking that the other person is in a bad mood or some other horrible concocted excuse. Yesterday, after repeated hints someone did indeed give me a good idea.

I am very happy to realize that for the first time in my life I got the hint. Maybe this means that I am growing up. Or maybe this means that my Disney / Fairtale version of friendship does not exist in the real world.

Saturday -- 18 Zilhaj 1425 -- 09 Magha 1926 -- 29 January 2005

Today was the worst traffic day of my life. Heavy traffic all over. Huge traffic jams all over. I have no idea how this happened today, or why this happened today. But it was completely unnatural for a Saturday.

And, to the civilians who were directing traffic at a broken traffic light, in the absence of traffic police, Tehseen! Tehseen! Tehseen!

Friday -- 17 Zilhaj 1425 -- 08 Magha 1926 -- 28 January 2005

I just need some opinions on a couple of things.

Just reply with a yes and no answer for the following questions.

Q1 - Is it ok to tell someone that they are average looking if they are as ugly as rotten dead pigs?
Q2 - Is it ok to get so angry at someone who breaks a red light and nearly hits you that you scream out at him/her?
Q3 - Is it ok to tell a guy that you are sleeping with his boyfriend or can you just tell him that his boyfriend is sleeping with "someone"?
Q4 - Is it ok to say "come to mamma", lightly to yourself, when you see a very hot guy?
Q5 - Is it ok to not return a borrowed book as long as your own books are not returned?
Q6 - Is it ok to tell something that he / she is stupid and then make fun of them?
Q7 - Is it ok to cheat of your boyfriend as long as he does not find out about it?

Bruce and H are not allowed to read on.

Q8 - What do I do when two of my very good friends are together; I spend a lot of time with both of them; the only thing they talk about is each other; I end up accidentally telling them things told to me in confidence? What the hell do I do when I am in this situation?

Thursday -- 16 Zilhaj 1425 -- 07 Magha 1926 -- 27 January 2005

Let me share with you an epitome of my psychosis - abnormal bathroom mirror conversation number 5 of 2005.

After getting ready in the morning I looking like a model who is also a male stud. I was standing infront of the mirror admiring the beauty that I saw.

And then this happened.

Jalal - Dude, you are HOT!
Me - I beg your pardon!
Jalal - Dude, you are HOT!
Me - Man, you are one disgusting pig. Piglet. Piglet!
Jalal - You never did pay attention to me did you?
Me - We are not going to have this converstion Jalal.
Jalal - Why not? Why do you always push me away?
Me - Oh my God. Now listen, you one alternate personality freak show, I am not attracted to you. Get over it and leave me alone.
Jalal - See, this is typical of you, you always want to run away from me. I know this because I know that you try to run away from mr since you cannot keep your hands off of me.
Me - Oh my God. Grow the hell up and stop acting like a jerk. Lets do one thing, I will take you out so you can cruise guys.
Jalal - I do not want other men, I want you.
Me - Go to hell.
Jalal - I will not leave you.
Me - (This is the point where I fog the mirror and run away from Jalal.)
Jalal - Come back ... come back ... c o m ....
Me - Hahhahahahah ! Beat that freak again.

The scariest thing is that they are both me.

I need to go see a psychiatrist.

Wednesday -- 15 Zilhaj 1425 -- 06 Magha 1926 -- 26 January 2005

I decided last night that I will make a timeline of my day today. So I noted down the time of everything today, although these times are not completely correct, just slightly correct.

Here is a timeline of my day today.

0623 - Woke up to a horrible alarm that had been blaring on for 8 minutes.
0633 - Went for jogging in the street outside my house.
0652 - Came back home semi dead and extremely irritable with a very strong realization that I am so new to this that I can not jog at all.
0658 - Realized that I have a very upset stomach.
0742 - Had a very light breakfast of only two fried eggs and porridge.
0759 - Left home for the bus stop. Although I try to make it 0800 but I never succeed. I find it hard sitting and waiting for the clock to strike 0800 so I can leave home.
0849 - Reached my office.
0854 - Used my office bathroom. And yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.
1043 - Had a cup of tea.
1316 - Used my office bathroom. And yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.
1349 - Realized that the lunch I was eating was too overpriced for the taste of sewage that it was so completely like.
1533 - Was told by boss that I am an incompetent moron who can not write properly if his life depended on it.
1534 - Said very mean things about my boss to my inner self.
1553 - Was told by boss that he was being harsh and that I am a good worker.
1602 - Thought about how much fun it would be to be on the boss's table in a compromising position.
1605 - Thought about how much fut it would be if R was with me on my table in a compromising position.
1606 - Missed R.
1642 - Used my office bathroom. And yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.
1732 - Started to be left alone by others at work.
1845 - Decided not to wait till eight and leave early.
1854 - Got a bus very soon as compared to usual.
1912 - Got off the bus and ran to a nearby mosque to use the washroom. And yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.
1922 - Paid the mosque guys Rs 10 for usage of the bathroom.
2027 - Reached home.
2048 - Din dins.
2125 - Went to the bathroom and yet again realized that I have a very upset stomach.
2132 - Blogging.
2150 - Sleep ... hopefully.

0343 - Very upset stomach.
0355 - Blogging.
0359 - Realization of - why the hell am I blogging this.

Tuesday -- 14 Zilhaj 1425 -- 05 Magha 1926 -- 25 January 2005

On Sunday I promised myself I will never ever smoke again. I smoked two fags today. No, not those; cigarettes, two cigarettes.

I realized today that I am an evil, manipulative man who uses emotional blackmail to get his way.

Damnit! I am turning into my mother.

Monday -- 13 Zilhaj 1425 -- 04 Magha 1926 -- 24 January 2005

Today, I suddenly realized that if I have to stop looking like a horror story from shampoo commercials I should get my hair cut. Because currently my hair are so unkempt that they are curling up in undecided and unpredictable ways. Makes me seem very very untidy. Although the dirty look suits me but it does not suit my job. So I have to stop that and even if I dont want to seem more human than a pig I have to get a haircut.

So I went today, and it being Monday all the hairdressers are closed today.

Fate is planning against me.

Talking about hairdressers I have a very interesting hairdresser story. Once I went with a friend to get his hair cut. He got his hair done and I looked at men's fashion magazines. After he was done we started moving towards the door. The owner of the shop stopped us. He then asked me if I wanted a haircut. I told him I did not. He told me that I should consider it. I get slightly irritated and I told him I had no money. He then begged me to get it for free because he does not want anyone to see me leaving the shop looking like what I looked like at that time. I eventually agreed.

I have no idea if I should feel good or bad about the whole scenario.

Sunday -- 12 Zilhaj 1425 -- 03 Magha 1926 -- 23 January 2005

I have been smoking cigarettes for about two years now. I smoke very irregularly. With long breaks equal to months and with short breaks equal to minutes. I am not used to it and I am not addicted to it. That is exactly why I get a very strong buzz.

My smoking buzz is so strong that I cannot walk without flailing about dangerously. And if I have to kneel I would definitely roll over. Sometimes I cannot feel my hands and I have a severe tickling sensation on my body. Suffice to say that smoking to me is like drugs to others.

Today I had the first craving for a cigarette.

I quit smoking today.

Saturday -- 11 Zilhaj 1425 -- 02 Magha 1926 -- 21 January 2005

Today AI called me. He is a perfect friend of mine. And I love him. I would walk tens of miles just to be with him for ten minutes. He is a very very dear friend of mine and a perfect human being.

Today he called me and said that since I had such good news how didnt I get a heart attack.

Why does he want me to die? Why does he hate me so much?

Friday -- 10 Zilhaj 1425 -- 01 Magha 1926 -- 20 January 2005

Todays tally of slaughters seen,

Goat - 7
Sheep - 1

According to my estimates today and tomorrow about 0.5 - 1 million goats, sheep, bulls, buffaloes and camels will be slaughtered in Karachi.

So, today when I went out to meet everyone I know on the occasion of Eid the streets of the city were strewn with dead animal parts splasing in blood.

There were about four bulls slaughtered in our street and there are major puddles of blood in the road. Due to the strong sun today there is a strange heavy odour hanging in the city.

So, the blood and guts of hunders of thousands of sacrificial animals is lying in the city creating horrible odours.

EID MUBARAK EVERYONE!

EID MUBARAK !!!

عید مبارک

Eid Mubarak to all of you. Have a lot of fun slughtering goats, sheep, cows and camels. Because I will be having mine.

Have a lot of fun eating your body weight in meat. Have a lot of fun on eid.

Eid Mubarak everyone.

Thursday -- 09 Zilhaj 1425 -- 30 Pausa 1926 -- 20 January 2005

OH MY GOD!

I was REALLY checking out a guy. And then I was REALLY checking out his behind. And then I saw that my father saw the whole thing.

I am SO creeped out. I am afraid the whole gay talk between me and my father is coming up. Damnit!

Wednesday -- 08 Zilhaj 1425 -- 29 Pausa 1926 -- 19 January 2005

I know.

I know everything.

And, no, it was not the sms fiaso. I have knows for quite some time to come.

Tuesday -- 07 Zilhaj 1425 -- 28 Pausa 1926 -- 18 January 2005

I just received two excellent pieces of news in the last one day. I am sorry but they are too personal to share with you. Just know that I have received very positive news regarding things that I have been thinking about for the last three years.

After hearing the news I got so excited that I tried to speak and I kept babbling for at least fifteen minutes. I was talking so fast that even I did not know what I was saying. And when I realized that I can not understand myself I realized that I had no idea what I was thinking. At that moment I told myself to calm down. Then I went to the bathroom since such excessive excitement made me loose control over my body.

Congratulate me.

Monday -- 06 Zilhaj 1425 -- 27 Pausa 1926 -- 17 January 2005

Today when driving back home I got stuck in traffic. In lanes got jumbled in a way that the traffic coming from the other direction became very slow. Suddenly I realized that there was a car right in front of me with a female driver. She was inching closer and then she got stuck due to my car. She felt as if I was the reason stopping the traffic.

So when she crossed my car she stared at me with a smouldering angry look with a go fuck yourself stare. Due to her attitude I realized that I can actually sexually want women as well. Now I am sure, the straight guys reading this will understand this, that I wanna break beds and scream till people call the police.

I am such a slut. From being a homosexual who wants to love I became a homosexual who wants sex to a bisexual who wants sex. I am sure you realize the direction that I am moving in.

Sunday -- 05 Zilhaj 1425 -- 26 Pausa 1926 -- 16 January 2005

I am very highly energized after another wonderful weekend with friends. It all started at 1400 Saturday when I went to my friend's house. Who by the was not there and I had to sit on his door, literally, and wait for him to come home after a total of 22 minutes and 18 seconds, by the clock. He gave the worst excuse, bad traffic, bah humbug! Of course we both knew he was lying so we just to pick up another friend, and then another, and then another, and then I, being the fattest and another guy, being the smallest, took the seat besides the driver with an assortment of four guys in the back. The car was very very full.

Then we decided to crash at our usual hosts house. Needless to say seven men consume a lot of drinks and edibles. Very soon his house was stirpped bare of any edibles and drinks. We, of course, decided to question his hospitality. He took exception to that and immediate went out. Before we could have felt at our porcine behavious he returned with kilos of edibles. Needless to say we did not feel sorry nor he hurt. Everyone was so happy.Then, after talking and feeding for hours we decided to put on Alexander. A huge mass of mattresses was made as a huge bed for everyone to fit on and watch the movie. Lying, sitting and dozing off in seven different positions we watched the movie. During the course of the movie were long discussions. They basically revolved around the immoral and unethical behaviour of the writer and the producer of the movie who could lie so blatantly and still not include an apology letter in the ending of the movie.

During the course of the after movie discussion we all went to sleep one by one. All sleeping in one big mass of people on one big mass of bedding. In the middle of the night we all struggled for the scare blankets. I eventually managed to pull and tug until I was all warm. But I had to pay a price. Since I was at the end I was kicked by my arch enemy the blanketless guy into a very cramped sliver of the bed. But then I remembered that I am gay and that guy is hot so we shared the blanket and the cramped space. Now, that is all the sex that I have ever had.

In the morning after I ate about five eggs we got to talking. We realized that we had done all the things that real men do. We ate lots of meat. We watched braindead movies with senseless violence. We takling till we were all hoarse. We all drank to the full and then passed out in a pile wherever we could fit. We called women manipulative witches who destroy the freedom and purity of men.

It was a very many weekend.

My crush of the week is Pakistani model Abdullah. He was on the Images suppliment of DAWN. Starting a day by staring at that face and hiding your lusting gaze onto the newspapers from six stright homophobic men was an exceptionall arousing experience.

Friday -- 03 Zilhaj 1425 -- 24 Pausa 1926 -- 14 January 2005

After seeing the Gay-o-Meter over at Bruce's I decided to give it a try.

I was told that I am 33% gay. The only reason that I will let such a serious slight go by is because the damned thing does not have a brain. But, otherwise, I am as upset as any gay human being would be at being called straight. I emailed the webmaster and told him a large number of my sexual fantasies and then asked him if he thinks that people with such thoughts are stright and if he does then he can smack my behind and call me Judy.

This reminds me of another website which specialized in telling the gender of the write. I was told that I am a female. Again, another angry email to the webmaster; overeating of chocolate and ice creme; hatred of online polls and websites of this character and a severe head ache healed by a sponge bath.

Even earlier on there was another website that decided on good and evil. They had the audacity to call me good. When anyone who has known me at all knows that I am a vile, evil, manipulative extortionist.

What is wrong with incorrect online personality judgement websites? I guess we might never get the answer to that.

Thursday -- 02 Zilhaj 1425 -- 23 Pausa 1926 -- 13 January 2005

This is a slightly homosexually pornographically graphic post. So please think once before you proceed.

It was my second semester at college. It was a warm summer. I was at the swimming pool. I saw a guy (henceforth called sexboi) there in slightly tight swimming trunks. He had the best built body I had seen at the pool in that one month. He was very cute. He had a devil-may-care cocky straight boy attitude. I fell in love with him immediately and harboured a lusty crush on him from that moment onwards.

Over the course of our next three and a half years at college I thought about him enough to make at least 200 long pornographic movies. There is no spot in college that those movies did not cover.

I told one of my best friends in college about this passionate lust that I felt. He knew I was gay already so that was not such a big issue. The big issue is that my friend told me today, after three years of knowing what I felt for sexboi, that he had once accidentally seen sexbois genitalia. And in case you think my using the word genitalia is lame and effeminate - my friend saw sexboi's penis.

I am told that it was an erect well sculpted eight inches of man meat with angry veins popping out all over it. I have made one complete 228 minute long porno since I heard about this thing 228 minutes ago. I can not stop thinking about it. Can someone please tell me something to get my mind off of this.

Wednesday -- 01 Zilhaj 1425 -- 22 Pausa 1926 -- 12 January 2005

Wednesday is what one may call the middle of the week. The fond memories of the weekend are in the past. The excited expectations on the coming weekend are not even in the formative phases. The only thing that is there is a weekday with no memories, no expectations and a lot of work in the past to bog you down and lot of work in the future to break you.

But, thank God, that did not happen to me. Since I was at home all day long. Sleeping, chatting, watching TV and basically lounging around. Ahhhhhhh, I love this life of vacations.

Tuesday -- 29 Ziqaad 1425 -- 21 Pausa 1926 -- 11 January 2005

My day today was bejewelled by two wonderful experiences.

First, I saw the move "Alfie" which I would rate very highly. Anyone reading this weblog / post should make certain that they see it as soon as time permits. I am sure you will thank me later.

Second, I saw the first episode of "Manhunt". It is a reality show about the competition between twenty, usually uncompletely clad, young men to become the top model in the US. Let me just say that there are no words to explain the experience. Maybe only sex can top it.

Monday -- 28 Ziqaad 1425 -- 20 Pausa 1926 -- 10 January 2005

I have no idea where the "Whatever / whatever" and the "Who is this? / Duh" posts that you much be wondering at came from.

There are a few possibilities.

1 - Someone has hacked into my blog and did this for fun and kicks.
2 - Someone has hacked into my blog and did this as a malicious attack because I am better than him.
3 - Someone did not know how to comment and hence he had to hack into my blog to be able to communicate with me.
4 - My pyschological condition has reached a state where I have a completely full blown multiple personality disorder and one of my alternative personalities did wrote the posts.
5 - While chatting on MSN yesterday I used these exact words and somehow I typed them twice and published them.

I am more inclined to believe number 5. But, if I am allowed to think over it I will start believing in 4. In case 3 is true, than, email me man, Ill tell you what you need to know. In case it is 1 or 2 I would rather let sex handle inter personal problems. So, are you free on Tuesday?

Who is this?

Duh

Whatever

whatever

Sunday -- 27 Ziqaad 1425 -- 19 Pausa 1926 -- 09 January 2005

Well there are two things that I would like to share with you.

I have driven my car for a total of 232.7 kilometers over the last two days. All of it urban travel and all of it in Karachi. Now, I dont think that any of you less than fortunate people, those who do not live in this wonderful city of ours, know what it means to drive 232.7 kilometers in Karachi. Let me just try to use one word. Hmmmm. Hell. But that is ok since I spent all this driving to meet up with one after another hot guy.

Today, all of it, was spent with another hot guy. Bruce, I think you know him. Be a doll and dont be jealous.

The second thing that I will share with you is about one of the most basic questions that arise in my daily life. Who do I hate more? Evil people or stupid people. Today I finally realized that the answer is stupid people.

So, who do you hate more? Evil people or stupid people?

Saturday -- 26 Ziqaad 1425 -- 18 Pausa 1926 -- 08 January 2005

Today I met Umar. I was 1 hour 40 mintues late. He still managed to find some time for me. Thank you Umar.

The man is 25 but looks 20. I wish I looked 20. But then I remember that I was a fat ugly hog at 20. So I dont want to be 20 any more. Come to think of it. I am a fat ugly hog right now as well. Hmmmm. I think I am going to talk about something else now.

Today was a Bus drivers strike in Karachi. All hell broke loose. Everyone who travelled by bus was either on the side of the roads waiting for a bus or in his car. I have not seen this much traffic in Karachi before. But the good thing is that Mr Coat got dry cleaned today and was feeling very fresh.

Friday -- 25 Ziqaad 1425 -- 17 Pausa 1926 -- 07 January 2005

Today was one of my bad traffic days. There I was, in my car. Since it was a warm day I had my coat hanging on the next seat. I am sorry, Mr Coat, sitting on the next seat. Me talking loudly to Mr Coat. Completely disagreeing with his preposterous idea that Capitalism is the only salvation of the depressed masses. I mean, you can't really blame the guy, he has cotton for a brain. So, in other words, it was a very normal drive for me.

Suddenly we stop at a red light. I was telling Mr Coat that Lenin was not indeed a blood sucking pig. It was his enemies who he called that. My signal opened and I started to turn right along with a sea of cars. Suddenly I noticed that a Bus driver had decided that since traffic lights are for the educated masses he should slowly inch his way across the road. So I was moving about and in that time he came in front of my car. Noone else had broken the red light. Only he had.

So, completely ignoring Mr Coat's admonitions, he does have cotton for a brain, I can not be expected to listen to him, I stopped the car and put my hand on the horn. I kept it on the horn for at least one full minute. Then I took my hand out and made a wonderfully interesing signal to the bus driver. He was about to get out of the bus to make things even when Mr Coat started scolding me loudly and I sped out of there. If it werent for Mr Coat I would have shown that guy what I can do to him.

Damn you Mr Coat.

I was very angry because of that, and then, I had to pass through an intersection where noone ever follows the traffic lights. When I was about 4-5 cars away from the front of the lane I saw a car stopped at the front. Then everyone else started to honk their horn to tell him to move on. Red light or nothing. It took me a little bit of time to get besides him and I saw that he was holding firm.

I realized that the decency of one man atones for the indecency of millions.

I returned home very happy.

Thursday -- 24 Ziqaad 1425 -- 16 Pausa 1926 -- 06 January 2005

Everyone has their own way of defining a good get together of friends. Everyone has their own set of criteria. I have three criteria. One, if the group is told to lower their voices by someone from the management of the place that they are in. Two, if the group is told to leave the premises by someone from the management of the place that they are in. Three, if some of the people involved need medical attention.

Fortunately for me, during my recent trip to Lahore, all three criteria were present at a the New Year's Eve get together.

The medical attention was required because an idiot friend of mine spilt very hot coffee on his hands while trying to tell a joke, gesticulate and drink coffee at the same time.

I love going out with friends.

Wednesday -- 23 Ziqaad 1425 -- 15 Pausa 1926 -- 05 January 2005

Some people are so ill mannered. I was in a hurry this morning. I forgot to take a shower; to use talcum power; or to put on some cologne. All right, I know I was smelling like a two day old dead pig carcass but that does not mean that you come up to me and tell me that I smell like a two day old dead pig carcass.

Thank God this did not happen to me today.

Yes, I know I am hateful.

Tuesday -- 22 Ziqaad 1425 -- 14 Pausa 1926 -- 04 January 2005

There is a music channel called "TheMuziq". I have a crush on all of its presenters. Today there was a guy online shamelessly flirting with one of the more hunky pieces of manmeat to grace my tv screen. And I really enjoyed him getting all red and coquettish realizing that he was being hit on by another guy. Then he started calling the other guy "sir". I love stupid straight men.

I just got back from Lahore an hour ago.

تزک جلالی

Who is this?

Whatever

Jalaluddin