Tuzk e Jalali: 200308

well i have deleted my previous post against all my beliefs of never deleting a post. lets just say that a person shouldnt blog when he is more emotionally distressed than he has EVER been. tonight was the worst i am calm now. DAMN IT !!! now i can understand why you guys say never blog drunk. i am calm now. matt, wayne, dao ;) i guess some free sex for all of you isnt too out of line :) thanks guys. also i think i will have to ask k for permission once i get to nyc ;)

ALLAH ! i am SUCH a slut. ;)

well the last post was sudden. he had just left. i was VERY shaken after the whole thing. and i was excited as hell. hence the post.

well here it is. i wont tell who it was but it was someone whome i had known for a long time. well he knows i am gay. and he always jokes about it. so do i. that was until today. i was just lounging around. he was there.

suddenly he comes to where i am sitting and starts to caress my chest. i was like WHOA ! what the FUCK ! i didnt say it i only thought it.

the thing is i have known him long enough that there is nothing there. i dont feel anything for him. although he is VERY cute.

well so i didnt stop him. he played a little. caressing on my chest and arms. i was too big a slut to stop him.

well i got to turned on and i played around with him as well. we did this for some time.

then he suddenly took off his shirt. another WHOA ! and what the FUCK ! but again. too big a slut to stop another man from enjoying sexual activities with me.

well after some time i decided to caress him as well. i did for 1 minute then he told me. jalal you know. xyz is better at this than you are. this was the defining moment. the test. the poiint where i should have made a stand.

but like i said. too big a slut. i didnt even mind him saying that i continued. i am a BIG slut.

well after a while i noticed myself taking off my shirt. i was lying on my back. a point to keep in mind. when you are lying on your back. you CANNOT take off a tshirt easily. it takes a LOT of pulling and pushing. well i did manage to take it off eventually. by that time i have proven to myself that i am a moron and cannot take off my own shirt.

well then we played around for another 30 mins. ;) then we kissed ;)

I KNOW !!!

we kissed for about 1 min. then we all of a sudden broke into convulsive laughter. and stopped. we put on our clothes.

so i have lost half of my virginity. but my cherry(if i may call it that) is still intact ;0 waiting to be lost.

so i have shared with you completely my first time when i did stuff with a guy. although there is no future. it is just sex. but it was nice. thank god he also knows this. so there are no issues left over.

well now that i have shared all this with you. then the two people who couldnt control themselves and forced me to tell mine have to tell me their stories as well of thier first times.

also those of you who think there was too much detail ;) well when i will have first i will give details but within reasonable limits. :) no name calling and no tedious(sic) explanations :)

oh and after listening to me. one of my very good friends told me. that i am the biggest slut in asia ;) YAY! first in 3.5 billion humans :) that has GOT to be a record. ;)

OH MY GOD !!! OH MY GOD !!! OH MY GOD !!! ON MY GOD !!! OH MY GOD !!! OH MY GOD !!!

ALLAH !!! ALLAH !!! ALLAH !!! ALLAH !!! ALLAH !!! ALLAH !!! ALLAH !!! ALLAH !!! ALLAH !!!

I MADE OUT TODAY !!! VERY VERY UNEXPECTED !!! VERY VERY !!! I NEVER SAW IT COMING !!!!!!!!!

WE KISSED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO WE CARESSED AND CUDDLED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM NOT A VIRGIN ANY MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi all. extermely sorry for not posting for some time. a lot of things came up. i was slightly busy. life was going along.

well i am going to try and post regularly and not scare you like that.

so till the next post. jalal.

If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me" or send me an e-mail.
I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?
well i would choose karachi. my city. it is large and complete. and also because i love living here gives me the complete experience.

2. What do you want to be remembered for after you die?
i would like to be known as a man who fought for people rights. just the rights of all the people all over the world. against all oppression.

3. What is the most exciting thing you've ever done?
honestly. ;). well i tried climbing a hill face without any proper gear. the ground was wet. i had to hold onto grass to not fall off. the grass was coming out of the soil and my hands were slipping above a 200 ft precipice. i have no idea how i am alive. most exciting.

4. What do you most like about yourself?
i do not pretend to be something i am not. thank god.

5. If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be and why?
mehdi hassan. too much of an idol to not choose him over all others.

I got my questions from Crash who go this from Mykull who got his from Jean, who got hers from Trish, who got hers from the Green Fairy, who got hers from Feministe, who got hers from Erica, who got hers from Kathy, who got hers from Cornelia and sadly the trail goes dry after that.

there are times when you want to say something. but it comes out as something else. sometimes leading to hysterical laughter by all present. i live on the internet a lot. sometimes this happens on the internet as well. when you type something incorrectly.

today was the biggest of such mistakes. i actually fell down from my chair laughing.

the was chatting with a fellow gay guy on mirc. when all of a sudden.

[23:55:14] sorry HUGE lad ... will talk to you later when it is under control ...
[23:55:20] sorry HUGE lag ... will talk to you later when it is under control ...
[23:55:21] :)
[23:55:35] i am sure the one on top had a completely different meanign ;)
[23:55:40] ahhahahahahhaha
[23:55:45] actually come to think of it ...
[23:55:48] haahahahhahaahahha
[23:55:51] ROFLMAO ...
[23:55:57] sorry HUGE lad ... will talk to you later when it is under control ...
[23:57:00] oh my god ...
[23:57:48] that is the best slip that i have had on mirc ...

the other guy was VERY amused. i later blamed it on the witching hour ;) midnight.

i am very anti violence. i oppose all forms and formats of violence. today was hell for me. two attacks on two different parts of the world. the un compound in iraq. a bus station in israel.

must we do this. must we kill each other like wild dogs in the african jungle. must we act like animals in our dealings with one another. snarling at each other till the other shuts up. or pouncing on them to end it once and for all.

i am completely and catagorically against the us led invasion and occupation of iraq. i am completely against the israeli occupation of palestinian territory. but i do not like to see innocent civilians killed. i might for once settle for the killing of military personnel. even that with the understanding that since are taking parts in wars they may die. but not otherwise. i will not agree with the killing of even one civilian.

it is sick and perverted how civilians get killed. i am sickened to see children being killed. in israel by both the israeli forces in the name of removing terrorist threats and by the palestinians in the name of jewish oppression. i am sick of how these two sides keep killing innocent people without any particular desire or try for peace.

i am sick and tired of pakistan and india barking at each other like dogs. our leaders havent even provided us with the basic necessities. clean drinking water and proper sanitation are a boon not the norm. and the governments have the audacity to talk about nuclear holocausts.

i just want an end to this. i want an end to terrorism by the palestinians and state sposored terrorism by the israelis. i want and end to the rantings and raving by the indians and pakistan. i want peace in cyprus, northern ireland, liberia, nigeria, algeria, aceh, assam, kashmir, solomon islands, bosnia, kosovo and chechnia. i want peace.

i hate bigots. i hate extremism. i hate murder. i hate rape. i hate arson. i hate hate. i want peace to flow like the wind and spread its message "gali gali chaman chaman" (street to street and garden to garden) i want us to stop killing and start to build. build. build. build.

agar hay jazba e tameer zinda ... (if the will to build is alive ...)

chatting with a friend of mine i learnt that he was also VERY fond of eric clapton. it was like a divine wind blowing all over. i dont usually meet clapton fans. when i do i am very happy for them. well we discusses the way his guitar moves. and the way he has a knack of making your heart move. my particular favourite is "old love". this song can do wonders for me. it is a saying in urdu that music is the food of the soul. listening to clapton i will say that it is the food the ointment and the pleasure of the soul. the way he starts layla and how it flows. beautiful.

i am very moved by music. i am sure people who read my blog regularly will know this. but music for me is not just related to the sense of sound. for me in encompasses the sense of touch. for me music is more than music. it is a whole concept. of lyrics. of the voice. of the instruments. of the beats. of the flows. clapton is one of the few people who comes to my standards. he is someone who is excellent in his field.

mr eric clapton. i salute you!

well i am sure you will realize what i did all day after you read my post.

well here is a listing and a rating of popular tv sitcoms that i came across today and during the past few weeks.

Ally McBeal : A must see. 7/10
Angel : One of the guys is cute. Otherwise do not watch. 2/10
Buffy the Vampire Slayer : None of the guys is cute. Do not watch. 0/10
Baywatch Hawaii : YUM!. Otherwise do not watch. 3/10
Futurama : Very nice. 8/10
Malcom in the Middle : A must see. 9/10
Dharma and Greg : Very nice. 7/10
Cheers : Interesting. Woody is VERY cute. 5/10
Friends : Must see. 9/10
Simpsons : Very nice. 6/10
Becker : Must see. 4/10
Everybody Loves Raymond : Very nice. 8/10
Frasier : Must see. 10/10

today i am at my cousins. he just gave his exam so i came over because he would be alone otherwise. well he is a very nice guy. the kindof person that you can spend time with without getting bored to death and you will not want to leave his company.

that said i will proceed. the thing is i am a person who likes to joke a lot. well at times i forget that you are not supposed to go crazy with someone you just met. well i was on the bus. the conductor said something which i thought was something else. i joked about something. he got serious and said something. i again took it as something else. well lets just say he told me i was an idiot. not very nice when 15 people are hearing you being called that in a bus.

mental note to self : never joke with someone you have met the first time. and if you do, make fun of yourself, NOT his education.

also when you are at the top of a bridge. and the rickshaw stops and you and the driver get out. HOLD IT !!! maybe the driver thinks you will hold it and that is why he just left it. and when the thing starts hurtling down. you will have to run like a fucking horse on fire to catch it. which i did. and when you get to it. it will have a HUGE impetus. believe me. so stop it when it is easier.

mental note to self : contain the situation when you can. do not let it hurtle out of control.

well thank god i had a nice post today. i will see you later. bye yall. have fun at least someone should.

oh and yes another thing. my cousins friends came over. one of them made a point at me. he was known as the kindof person who is good at such things. well lets just say that after half an hour the other 4 people were falling out of their chairs while i made that guy look like a complete idiot.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!! the wonders of being a bitch and feeling good about it as well.

well first of all i have a blinding pain in a teeth on the right side of my jaw. there is a cavity and i am going go to the dentist soon. but it is hurting me very much. too much that i cannot concentrate to write.

i went to the beach in karachi to see for myself the oil spill. HORRIBLE!!!. the sea was brown with the oil. the sand was all black. there was a horrible smell. there was slight taste and touch to the air. and also it stung my eyes. it is a complete enivronmental disaster on the karachi coast. all major news networks have been screaming about it for days.

i have started to attend weekend classes for a test. one of the major shocks is that i am very satisfied with the teachers. two of them are amazing. i already have huge crushes on both of them the bitch that i am. except for that i liked the exposure that i got. i think we should try stuff like this. makes you meet new people and opens up your mind.

since my last post something has happened and i am a whole different person.

i went to the bank after my last post. went to the counter. gave them the check they gave me my token. number 36. again. i have had that token twice before. of all the three times that i went there i was given no. 36. and below that they write kcj. every time. it is a HUGE coincidence so i am very excited about the next time i go to the bank. lets see what happens.

also in the same bank. about 5 minutes after me a guy walked in. he was exceptionally cute. i fell down on the floor drooled all over the place and hyperventilated so much that women had to hold on to their dupattas lest they fly away. i mean he was very very cute. i couldnt keep my eyes off him. he saw me staring and was slightly flustered. i am very sorry for my display of a complete lack of human social conduct and etiquette but he was that cute.

after todays episode at the bank. i as of now make a change in the definition of "the one". he does not have to be equal to or taller than me. :)

oh my god

can not type. full body cramps . can not type. exercise yesterday. OUCH! my neck . OUCH! my thumb. OUCH! my breasts (sic ????????)

gottago

good to hear from you nyc people. OUCH! my 6 pack (sic ???????)

hmmm. well things have been going pretty smooth. except my internet connection. people from nyc. please dont scoff at me. i am aware of your predicament. i pass through it every night for an hour or two. it is horrible.

well one thing. the basic rule of having a cyber. never do it with someone when there is a lag longer than 20 seconds. and definitely not when the lag is 49 seconds.

except for that another thing i learnt today. when you try to push things that are too heavy you can hurt yourself. although i didnt do it. someone else did. but i learnt a lesson which is the point basically.

also i finally managed to work out. after no workouts for the last 5 years my body was in the perfect natural condition. prime in its natural beauty and width. so after just 4 push ups my body died. i saw my soul go upto the heaven. it was kicked back by the angels who were afraid it was so big that the heavens might fall. so now i have to loose weight. not only to attract guys. but also to go to heaven. damn it. well the work outs went well. for those of you who know me this is a big thing. i have crossed over.

oh yes and also. when there is no electricity and you are playing with a candle. make sure you sit in such a way that it doesnt burn your hair ;) aslo make sure it doesnt drop melted wax on your fingers.

cheerio.

the national anthem of the islamic republic of pakistan

pakistan paindabad

and the final song in the array of patriotic songs

mehdi hasan

yeh watan tumhara hay
tum ho paasbaan is kay
yeh chaman tumhara hay
tum ho naghman khan is kay

yeh watan tumhara hay
tum ho paasbaan is kay

is chaman kay pholon par
rang o aab tum say hay
is zamin ka har zarra
aaftab tum say hay
yeh faza tumhari hay
behr o barr tyumahray hain
kehkashan kay yeh jalay
rehguzar tumharay hain

yeh watan tumhara hay
tum ho paasbaan is kay

is zameen ki mitti main
khoon hay shaheedon ka
arz e pak markaz hay
qaum ki ummedon ka
nazm o zabt ko apna
mir e karvan jaano
waqt kay andheron main
apna aap pehchano

yeh watan tumhara hay
tum ho paasbaan is kay

Pakistan Paindabad !

.hmmmmm. after thinking too much over whether to call or not to call. today i finally worked up the nerve to call him. A.A. that is. yey for me and my progressing relationship.

we were having tea when i saw a phone booth. voila. well i went there. hands trembling. heart fluttering. will he like me ? will i like him ? will he sweep me off my feet with his voice ? will he like my voice ? yes yes i know it is just a phone call. but it is my first to some guy that i am interested in and he knows that too. a big jump in our relationship. the next level. the level where we not only see characters on the screen from each other but also listen to each others voice and emotions. VERY intimate keeping in view my track record.

well i called finally. no one picked up. i called again. same thing. i can accept this for a home phone. but how dumb do you have to be to leave your cellphone unattended for about half an hour. well i called about 5 times and every time no one picked up. all my expectations in vain. all my desires in the dust. all my passions washed away. so i am going to turn into a MEGA HE bitch :)

A.A. mail me and apologize. NOW !

otherwise the day was VERY VERY dull the only other things of interest would include me opening the mouse form behind and cleaning the dirt from the wheels. and also me dropping about three tables spoons of water when i tried to drink it hastily in the afternoon.

yes. that is just how boring my life can get at times. :)

oh and i forgot. today my boss told me that a certain word means XYZ in urdu. but i told him it meant ABC and that he was wrong basically. we looked each other in the eyes. i so fucking knew i was right. so i went to my desk immediately and got a lughat(urdu dictionary). he was right. i was wrong. i have never been that ashamed in my life. first for not knowing the meaning of a word in urdu. then for acting like such a prick with such a nice guy as my boss. so now i am thinking of showering him with a few rewards so he does not hate me for my obvious character flaws. example make sure he knows as soon as the tea comes so he can have it hot. also to make sure i clean his desk with a tissue because he hates when there is thin file of dust on it.

awwwwww. i am so cute. ;). and so maternal. EWWWW !!! no !!! (neanderthal accent) i am man. i eat meat. i kill deer. i cook deer. i tear flesh. ahhhhhhhhhhh. thank goodness. for a moment there i though i was overacting with the maternal thing.

have fun y'all. and yes, you donot have to tell me. todays post WAS nice.

for today a song that is as beautiful in its lyrics as it is in its musical beauty. this song is dedicated to A.I my very close friend in college. who is one of my soulmates on this planet.

A.I. ...

amanat ali khan sings ...

amanat ali khan

ae watan pyaray watan ae watan pyaray watan
pak watan pak watan ae meray pyaray watan

ae watan pak watan pak watan pak watan
ae meray pyaray watan ae watan pyaray watan

tujh say meri yeh tamannaoon ki duniya pur noor
tujh say hay meri tamannaoon ki duniya pur noor
azm mera kabhi meray iraday hain ghayoor
meri hasti main ana hay meri masti main shaoor
jan fiza mera tukhayyal hay to sheeren hay sukhan

ae watan pyarey watan ae watan pyarey watan
pak watan pak watan we meray pyaray watan

ae watan pyaray watan

to dil afroz baharon ka tar o taza chaman
to dil afroz baharon ka tar o taza chaman
to mahektay huay phoolon ka suhana gulshan
to dawarez ana dil ka bahari maskan
rang o aahnag say maamor teray koh o daman

ae watan pyarey watan ae watan pyarey watan
pak watan pak watan we meray pyaray watan

ae watan pyaray watan

meri dil teri muhabbat ka hay jan baksh diyar
meri dil teri muhabbat ka hay jan baksh diyar
mera seena teri hurmat ka hay sangeen hasar
meray mahboob watan tujh pay agar jaan ho nisar
main yeh samjhoon ga thikanay laga sarmaya e tan

ae watan pyarey watan ae watan pyarey watan
pak watan pak watan we meray pyaray watan

ae watan pyaray watan

ae watan pyaray watan

Pakistan Paindabad !

my life is one big miserable hell. i know i know here he goes again but it is. i hate it. for the past three years i have been severely depressed and severely elated by turns. a friend once told another friend about me that i am mentally unstable. well he was right. i am. right now i am severely depressed. actually suicidally depressed. that is coz i am home. a different concept for most people. not for me. i hate being home.

well i dont know why i am writing this post but i am writing it. i hate this life. if an angel were to come and give me a choice to die i will take it immadiately. but with one condition noone should get hurt. noone else should get hurt because i am a coward. my cowardice should not be their fault. why should someone suffer for someone elses sefish desire to end unbearable pain day in and day out.

another reason why i havent managed to commit suicide yet is because i am an idiot. i care too much about people. i nearly went through with it in college. but when i was about to drink something i realized i had just had a horrible fight with a friend. if i do this he can blame himself. i would destroy his life. which i dont want. i just want mine to end without anyone elses being destroyed. same is the case right now. i am NOT getting along with my mom. she knows it. if i FUCKING kill myself she will think it has something to do with her. GODDMANIT !!! cant i just fucking kill myself without thinking over it a million times.

it is really so hard. why the fuck is it so hard to kill yourself. life it is like perpetual purgatory. oops you are in. now you cant get out until allah decides. three cheers to allah. high a mighty on his throne. well the thing is i am so small and insignificant and i keep my heart alive with his thought. and he is so huge and significant and he has no place for me. just makes you wonder.

oh i seem to stopped my fucking suicidal ranting. so i shall continue with it. i cannot drink this fucking bottle of medicine in front of me because i am a fucking human who has relations. and they will get too fucking hurt if i drink it. so the only thing i can do is look at it longingly. make believe i drink it. and die and am released of this pain. but i cant do it. GODDAMNIT !!! i hate this.

i have lost all hope and belief in life. i dont want to life. i dont want to continue this neverending cycle of pain and sorrow for myself. i dont want to live. i would die happily were it not for the lives of people linked with me. why why why. if allah made me like this why couldnt he have made it so i dont have anyone to think about before i drink that bottle. high and mighty on his throne happy at my sorrow. no idea what he gets out of it.

now i am being blasphemous. well that is what i am. being blasphemous. only a pakistani from a middle class background can understand what kind of a mental condition i would be in to be blasphemizing like this. to be doing this. i dont know i dont know.

i am so sorry i am doing this to all of you who have to read this. i am so sorry. but i dont care any more. it is because i care that i am alive and not dead. it is because i care that i didnt drink that bottle and am still fucking here. i am so sorry to put this all on you. i made this blog as an emotional release. but now i have gotten to know some of you so well that i cannot hurt you. but you dont know. thank god. at least i can talk about what i think. at least we dont know each other that well.

DAMNIT ... now i will have to make a private blog where i can say all this. and not feel as if it will effect anyone. please please. if you can understand what i wrote. please do not get affected by what i said. just read it and try to learn from but. but dont feel it. i would not want to be someone who causes anyone pain or sorrow. i just want all this to end. with noone feeling any pain or sorrow for me. my family happy.

sometimes i think i will go and have sex with another man and come home drunk and tell my family. then commit suicide. maybe they will think it is for the best. but i cant. because then my family will keep thinking that they had a son why didnt he turn out like any other normal person. i dont want to let them down. but fuck man i have let every one down. i have let everyone down. even myself. damn it. damn it all.

Hmmm. Just wrote a LONG post that got erased. I AM SUCH A MORON!

Well I have been meeting all these wonderful people on MIRC for the past two nights. Old friends. New People who are amazingly cool.

This is all good. Keeps my belief in 'Gay Supremacy' alive.

Well I do not know why but I am feeling amazingly romantic tonight. VERY romantic. So I am wallowing in the feeling while I can. After this I will put on some of Mehdi Hasan's Ghazals. And lose myself to the music and fate. ;).

Oh I have put it on already. Well tata all of you. I will spare you my words. Have fun and enjoy.

*mehdi hasan*
phool hi phool khil uthay meray paymanay main
aap kya aaye bahar aa gaee mae khanay main

Anyone from Pakistan with a taste for classical. ASK me for the file I will DCC it to you on MIRC or do whatever. You HAVE to hear it.

todays patriotic song. one of the five that i had in american on the 14th of august 2001. i didnt know i had this one as well. the other had been downloaded on the night before the 14th. i was very happy to find this one as we used to sing it a lot as children and it hit me with a lot of nostalgia for the land that i was missing dearly after a 6 week stay in america.

jalal goes amock with hysterical patriotic fervour.

tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay
tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay
tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

jis ki buniyadon mein hay tera lahoo mera lahoo
jis say teri aabro hay jis say meri aabro
jis ki buniyadon mein hay tera lahoo mera lahoo
jis say teri aabro hay jis say meri aabro
jis say tera naam is say meri pehchaan hay
jis say tera naam is say meri pehchaan hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay
tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

yeh meray quaid ki jeeti jaagti tasveer hay
shaer e mashriq kay khabon ki haseen tabeer hay
yeh meray quaid ki jeeti jaagti tasveer hay
shaer e mashriq kay khabon ki haseen tabeer hay
yeh watan pyara watan sarmaya e iman hay
yeh watan pyara watan sarmaya e iman hay

is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay
tera pakistan hey yeh mera pakistan hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay
is pay dil qurban is pay jaan bhi qurban hay

Pakistan Paindabad !

whoever searched for "gay pakistani sexy sleeping wear" on yahoo

SHAME ON YOU !!!

:)

ok here is the normal post. without an abnormally high level or patriotic hoopla.

since i have nothing interesting to tell. except that i wore starched kurta pajama today. bright white. looked wonderful. then something went wrong with the car. i had to get it fixed. i has to sit for two hours besides the car while it was being fixed in that dress. to people who are not from my country. it was like wearing an ancient egyptian army uniform to college as a matter of routine. i had to try and hide. but the clothes were SO white they shone like the sun.

why am i such a moronic buffoon.

also since i dont have anything interesting to post i think i will tell you one of my college stories.

i think one guy may have tried to offer to have sex with me once. i am not sure coz he didnt say that openly. it was late at night. i was at a friends. and this other guy comes in. he was slightly strange. but i liked him sexually. we talked for a while. then he asked me over to his place to check his computer out. there was somethign wrong with it.
so i went with him. alone. at night. with a man that i lust for. wishing to myself that he rips my clothes off and takes me.
but we talked about stuff. then we started talking about porn. str8 porn. i was notorious for being a porn junkie. which i was. so we talk and talk. i got hard. but i noticed that since he opened his mouth i am not interested in him any more. he was an idiot. and we were talking about porn. i was still hard. then he shocked the living daylight out of me. he told me "i sometimes even like to watch gay porn". i was shocked. i finished the conversation hastily. and ran like the wind.
i cannot lose my virginity to someone with an IQ less than 12.3. i hope he was trying to hit on me. coz that would be my first proposal to sex. albeit for a buffoon.
and then i wonder why i am a virgin. GOD!

this is a series of patriotic songs that i will be using as a daily countdown to 14th august. the independence day of pakistan. i have chosen songs that have excellent lyrics and music and composition. that are well kown by all pakistanis. and these songs had the power to make me cry when i was in the us on the 14th of august 2001 and i missed pakistan on our day.

Pakistan Paindabad !

sohni dharti
sohni dharti
allah rakhay
qadam qadam aabad
qadam qadam aabad tujhe
qadam qadam aabad tujhe

sohni dharti
allah rakhay
qadam qadam aabad
qadam qadam aabad tujhe
qadam qadam aabad tujhe

sohni dharti
allah rakhay

tera har ik zarra hum ko
apni jaan say pyara
tera har ik zarra hum ko
apni jaan say pyara
tere dam say shaan humari
tujh say naam humara

jab tak hay yeh duniya baaqi
hum dekhein aazad
hum dekhein aazad tujhe
hum dekhein aazad tujhe

sohni dharti
allah rakhay
qadam qadam aabad
qadam qadam aabad tujhe
qadam qadam aabad tujhe

sohni dharti
allah rakhay

tere pyari saj dhaj ki hum
kitni shaan barhaain
tere pyari saj dhaj ki hum
kitni shaan barhaain
aanay wali naslain teree
azmat kay gun gaain

jab tak hay yeh duniya baaqi
hum dekhein aazad
hum dekhein aazad tujhe
hum dekhein aazad tujhe

sohni dharti
sohni dharti
allah rakhay
qadam qadam aabad
qadam qadam aabad tujhe
qadam qadam aabad tujhe

sohni dharti
allah rakhay

sohni dharti
allah rakhay

sohni dharti
allah rakhay

OH MY GOD !!!!!

OH MY GOD !!!!!

i am chatting with that friend. and

OH MY GOD !!!!!

my mind all over the wall

well tonight was mind blowing. actually i am in shock as i post. maybe ill post later on as well when i am all calm.

the thing is i have a very old friends. a very good friend. and we met on the internet tonight. on a gay chat channel. and well we talked a little. and we realized it is us.

the first person in the world who i came out to(except 3 friends in college). and it was wonderful. and i was the first person who he came out to about whome he wasnt sure that they were gay.

the only thing i can say. WOW. coming out to someone. WOW OWO WOW OWO WOW !!!

well i can only say. best of luck you man. best of luck. and also i am always here for you. apparently he read my blog.

a pakistanized form of a famous quote.

all good things in life are either impossible, fattening or haram.

haram : forbidden in islam.

a song that i love. that also describes what i feel at times.

saagar kinare dil yeh pukare
saagar kinare dil yeh pukare
to jo naheen to mera koi naheen hay

jaage nazaare jaagi hawaain
jab pyar jaaga jaagi fizaain
pal bhar ko dil ki duniya soei naheen hay

lehron pay naachain kirnon ki pariya
mein khooi jaisay saagar main nadiya
to hi akeli to khooi naheen hay

saagar kinare dil yeh pukare
saagar kinare dil yeh pukare
to jo naheen to mera koi naheen hay

i love this song so much

ohhhh such a wonderful day. i went to meet some relatives today. my grandfathers uncle and aunt. their children. and their children. some on them over from the us for the summers. some from the uk. and some from australia. it was wonderful. meeting relatives that you dont meet so often. specially when they are such nice people.

it was wonderful. i was the only guy there in his mid 20s. rest were about 3 girls in their teens. and about 10 kids. :). and also 5 old people. and 2 VERY old people. so i was the centre of attention. you know. the young people. who are the life of the gathering. with their jokes an puns and all. wow. i felt wonderful. it was very nice. the auntie from london was wonderful. so funny. i liked her immediately. she is like one of those wonderful aunties at family gatherings who everyone else sortof hovers around.

well it was a small house. not a mansion or a palace. but it was nice. we were all sitting on the second floor. there is this small terrace. with a fan. a wonderful breeze. two 'charpais'(light weight beds traditional to south asia). it is so wonderful when you sortof have to sit in a space that is not large enough. but it is breezy and windy and cheerful. and you all are having so much fun.

the women are all gossiping. the men are trying not to get bored to death. i love a good gossip now and then. specially the womens gossips i love it. "oh did you hear ....". and then there is the "you know XYZ ... she is always like that". always the "you know ... my inlaws"(HUGE EYE ROLL) understanding nod form everyone else a few hmmms and yeas. and then there is the "you know ... my sons/daughters inlaws"(HUGER EYE ROLL) understanding nod form everyone else a few hmmms and yeas and sometimes even a "those people".

and in such scenarios there is always a discussion on religion. when everyone tries to tell each other what to do. everyone accepts what everyone else says. everyone adds to the general amount of dos and donts. oh dont eat non-halal meat. do read this prayer 15 times in the morning. oh XYZ in haram you cant do that. but CDEFG is considered a very good act. oh did you know i heard ABC say XYZ.

well since i am not religious i dont know such stuff. but i keep a small library for such occasions. well i told the most things. they were all VERY liberal things. but the others managed to accept them. i was instant hit. i guy who is funny and nice. as well as religious. and just the right age to get hitched. many older women talked to my mom about getting me married. most marriages in pakistan are arranged. so you can well imagine. all i could say was "(NERVOUS) ehehehe not until i am 28"

all in all it was a wonderful evening. nothing like meeting a lot of relatives after some time. and sitting out in the open air. fans and charpais and tables. lots to eat and lots to talk about. it was a wonderful evening.

Take the Greek Goddess Test @ Rasberry Rain

well in case someone(read A.A) missed this. i already have a boyfriend. A.A. so i am taken.

you happy now A.A. and yes for gods sake leave a comment. all other boyfriends do that.

for those of you who dont know about this. i met A.A. on mirc. liked him instantly. and shockingly he liked me as well. he was the first person that i knew on mirc who i told about my blog. he is the first person who i have sent a picture with a motive in mind. actually i am doign that as i write this. this coming a paranoid freak like me is shocking. also i am going to call him soon ;). another big big break for a paranoid freak like me.

so thats it. bye now. ill post later.

i tought i was upset in the day. boy was i ever prepared for this. i am much more upset now. i asked my boss to let me off and ill work extra the next few days. he said ok. so i am here at home. sitting infront of the computer. sulking.

i dont know what to do. it is different for every person. it is different for every family. i am horrified at the thought that i might have to tell them that i am gay. i have an exact idea how they will react. and i have an exact idea how my exact idea is wrong.

i opened this page. but i dont know what to write. i dont know. it is so insane. i hate this moment.

and now for something uncommon to my blog, political thoughts. i am very very pissed at mr george bush. the defender of christendom against the attacks of the saracen hordes. first for attacking afghanistan without proof. then for attacking iraq without proof. then for threatening ever muslim country larger than rhode island. what the hell is the problem with the current kkk infested neo con us government. why the hell dont they focus on americas problems. fix your own country first. of course there is problems in america that hundreds of americans talk about. fix that first.

now i will leave. take a long long long bath. and go to sleep. good eveing.
shab ba khair

i am very upset today. this will be a long post. so brace yourselves.

well here in pakistan the patters of hanging out are very different. for example the guys in our street hang out in our street. we sit somewhere or stand somewhere. and keep talking. keep making jokes. or keep making fun of someone. that is what we do. at times for hours on end. that is how we hang out.

when we make fun of each other we talk about all things. well day before yesterday one of the guys called me gay. and i asked him to come inside to my room and ill prove myself. everyone laughed. it was like a jalal 1 - opponent 0 moment. i won. hundreds of other such things happened. i forgot about this happening that very day.

what is bothering me is my mom overheard me saying that. well i am not masculine. i am feminine. so my family suspects that there is something wrong. also i think someone once thought she saw me watching pics of guys. so they suspect. well after what my mom heard yesterday she was completely shocked.

she talked to my cousin about this. yesterday. she told him what she heard. she told him about the other incident. she told him about my not having a girl friend. she told him she was very concerned. she told him she cannot sleep. she is having migraine again. she is worried as hell. she is being strange with me. its like she doesnt know how to talk to me any more.

my cousin told her there is nothing like that. he told her all the guys from the gali(street) say such stuff to each other. nothing to worry about. then she calmed down.

but that is not the problem. the problem is what do i do. i cannot tell her about my being gay. it will just kill her. i mean come on this isnt europe where people will deal with it. i pakistan i am a thing. i am not a person i am a thing. i am the man who caused allah to send down an azaab(destruction) on the people of lut. i am that person. i am a sinner. i am a man who will go to hell. i am that thing.

well my mom will be easy to explain things to. she is a woman and a mother. what about my dad. good god in heaven. he is a policeman. i think i dont need to tell anything else. he is like this masculine guy. who i am sure has been making fun of feminine and gay guys for the last 30 years. at least. on a daily basis. for him to find out that i am gay. WHOA ! it will kill him. or maybe it will kill me.

god damn it. i just wish i didnt have to deal with this. but i do. i am just thinking of getting permanent in my job and settling down. maybe then i can talk to them. i dont know. anytime i tell them it will hurt them a lot. oh god. damn it. this sux. i cannot do this. also my sisters. they are so young. for them being gay so much more worse. they wont even understand what my parents will.

i am completely ok being gay with myself. but when my family comes in i wish i were straight. or i wish i had a brother. i am an only son. a concept lost on westerners. but asians will understand exactly what it means to be an only son. and being gay on top of that.

for the last 22 years ammi(pakistani word for mom) and abbu(pakistani word for father) have been thinking about me. about how they will find the perfect girl for me. about how i will have a wonderful family life. about how i will have all the best in life. about how they will be proud of their only son. well that cant fucking happen now can it. i am fucking gay. no marriage. no family. no normal life. also i will go to hell. a proof of their failure as parents. god i hate this.

now i dont know what to do. i am angry and sad and i dont know what i am feeling. maybe guilt. i dont know.

glossary
ammi = mom
abbu = dad

OHHHHHHH MEHDI HASAN!!!!

yeh watan tumhara hay ....................
tum ho paaaaaasbaaaan is kay .....

uffffffff.
he knows how to work me up.

his music is wonderful. all of you who havent heard him have missed it all.

the eternal question. when will i find 'the one'. the right answer. shut up man and lemme sleep.

at least that is what happened to me when i pestered my cousin too much. he knows i am gay. he thinks it is sick. he has tried an awful amount of times to str8en me out. but never works. well now i just talk to him about guys and my problems being gay. i am sure he thinks about other things and just nods. with the above paragraph i seem to be like a 35 year old woman whose marriage is going nowhere. but i am not. mind you all. i am not a 35 year old woman whose relationship is not going anywhere.

i am just a guy. sitting besides a window. nice cloudy windy weather outside. all alone at home. everyone else is asleep. i am listening to nice music. getting more and more romantic. feeling more and more lonely. DAMNIT ! now i will have a lousy day. musing all day. desiring to go see the sunset on the sea. desiring to sit with someone for tea at a restauraunt. desiring to talk to someone about stuff i like. desiring to discuss politics, music, literature, art, religion, history or life with someone i love.

desiring too much. getting too little. god i hate it when i am in a good mood. it always leads to a more mellow and down mood. right now i am upbeat. but wait till tonight.

finally some music that you all out there in the west can listen to and relate to as well(west = us, canada, europe, australia, new zealand). this is the time when i talk about what moves me and you guys will also know what i am talking about.

elvis ROX!. 'unchained melody' 'are you lonesome tonight' 'always on my mind' 'help me make it throught the night' 'fame and fortune' 'its now or never' 'love me tender' 'suspicious minds' 'wear my ring' 'oh danny boy'. i love listening to elvis. i love listening to him when i am down and out. and also when i am upbeat and happy.

presley's music has depth and beauty. it is melodious when you want it to be. it has the marvellous beats when you want them.

then there is eric clapton. he is one of the very few men capable of giving me an orgasm. i come alive in his music. it is as if you shine sunlight on newly sprouting plants. they come alive and spring to life. that is what clapton's music does to me. 'alberta' 'layla' 'old love'(excellent. always gives an orgasm) 'bell bottom blues' 'wonderful tonight' 'lady in red'. eric claptons guitaring is one of the greatest blessings to mankind.

it is a saying here in our part of the world that 'mausiqi rooh ki ghiza hay' 'music is the food of the soul' i believe in this saying. it is so right. it is so right.

well remember the time when you go home. everyone is really nice. they treat you well. they cook you magnificent food. and stuff. well i am sure you dont. because i dont either. such a perfect time doesnt exist. there are always things that screw it up.

like the time when someone spills milk on the expensive silks. or when someone says wow you have lost weight just to be nice. and the other person says. you think i was fat before ? or when everyone stops to take a breath and there is a long awkward silence. or when the food gets burnt and one woman has to cry about how she cannot do anything right. or when oh yes this is what happened to me. you fall down in the mud made by the rain and soil yourself. and the 5674 relatives in your house for the party make fun of you for 4 hours.

also. when someone tells you to trust them when they sell you something. DONT ! never trust someone who is selling. always check up. even if it is just a jeans and you wanted to know if they look good on you. or if it is a new form of hair growing creme that is purple and has fumes coming out of it.

hmmmmmm. you know what. i am beginning to think i am wierd. i write about the strangest of things. why am i like this? (note to self: jalal please dont go there) ok ok. so why would someone think this way (note to self: jalal please dont go there). ok ok. whatever.

so you see it takes three lines to get paranoid and start talking to oneself. and all this infront of other people. oh my god. i so need to get a life.

also i dont understand one thing. i am sorry i probably would be removed from the gay brother(sic)hood but what is a drag queen.

another thing. when americans talk abotu beer or alcohol. there are times when you need a break. or need a relief. or need to be aloof. you talk about getting alcohol. what does it do. i have never had alcohol. what does it do. i mean stuff like. my mom is coming. i hate my mom. so i am going to get drunk. or i dont want to sit with them all night but i have to so i will get alcohol. i mean what is the deal with alcohol.

when i started this blog i wanted to do one thing. share my thoughts emotions feelings and actions with others. without any let or hindrance. completely free as what i am. telling them when i feel down. telling them when i feel elated. telling them everything uncensored. telling them i was a gay guy and that is why i think differently.

well today i noticed one thing. when i started this blog. i didnt think about activism as such. but now i am thinking about it. actually i am thinking a lot about my position in society. my right. my duties. that is why i am adding some links to gay sites and resources and portals pertaining to pakistanis and muslims who are gay. just to show you what is going on with me.

i am a man.
i am a muslim.
i am a pakistani.

i am gay.

i am proud of being gay.

anyone who have a problem with that can lead his own life the way they want and not meddle in my affairs. i am beginning to ask for my rights. but of course with a pseudonym. pakistan is not ready yet. i am not either.

i am proud of being a muslim.
i am proud of being a pakistani.
i am proud of being gay.

anyone who has religious moral ethical social or cultural scruples should know that i also have my thoughts. i also have my prejudices. but i never force mine on others. others should do the same. live and let live. the only way to a healthy society where majority opinions are not crammed down the throats of minorities.

this it my declaration of independence.

i shall never be ashamed of being gay.
i shall hold my head high and not be ashamed of the truth.
i shall accept being a muslim and being gay.

i am gay !
I Am Gay !
I AM GAY !

wow. i cannot believe this page is back. now i have nothing to post about.

except that i am getting a lot of visits and comments.

oh my god ! i really dont have anything to post about.

except ...

no. not really. i really dont have anything to post about.

you know what. i SO need a life!

oh yes... something to post about. the fly on the wall just moved 1 inch.

oh no it didnt. i just shifted in my seat.

good heavens i really dont have anything to post about.

[inner voice of conscience] why the hell dont you shut up then and let all those nice people be

OH MY GOD !!!!!! i have a conscience !!!

bye yall

تزک جلالی

Jalaluddin