well i dont know why i am writing this post but i am writing it. i hate this life. if an angel were to come and give me a choice to die i will take it immadiately. but with one condition noone should get hurt. noone else should get hurt because i am a coward. my cowardice should not be their fault. why should someone suffer for someone elses sefish desire to end unbearable pain day in and day out.
another reason why i havent managed to commit suicide yet is because i am an idiot. i care too much about people. i nearly went through with it in college. but when i was about to drink something i realized i had just had a horrible fight with a friend. if i do this he can blame himself. i would destroy his life. which i dont want. i just want mine to end without anyone elses being destroyed. same is the case right now. i am NOT getting along with my mom. she knows it. if i FUCKING kill myself she will think it has something to do with her. GODDMANIT !!! cant i just fucking kill myself without thinking over it a million times.
it is really so hard. why the fuck is it so hard to kill yourself. life it is like perpetual purgatory. oops you are in. now you cant get out until allah decides. three cheers to allah. high a mighty on his throne. well the thing is i am so small and insignificant and i keep my heart alive with his thought. and he is so huge and significant and he has no place for me. just makes you wonder.
oh i seem to stopped my fucking suicidal ranting. so i shall continue with it. i cannot drink this fucking bottle of medicine in front of me because i am a fucking human who has relations. and they will get too fucking hurt if i drink it. so the only thing i can do is look at it longingly. make believe i drink it. and die and am released of this pain. but i cant do it. GODDAMNIT !!! i hate this.
i have lost all hope and belief in life. i dont want to life. i dont want to continue this neverending cycle of pain and sorrow for myself. i dont want to live. i would die happily were it not for the lives of people linked with me. why why why. if allah made me like this why couldnt he have made it so i dont have anyone to think about before i drink that bottle. high and mighty on his throne happy at my sorrow. no idea what he gets out of it.
now i am being blasphemous. well that is what i am. being blasphemous. only a pakistani from a middle class background can understand what kind of a mental condition i would be in to be blasphemizing like this. to be doing this. i dont know i dont know.
i am so sorry i am doing this to all of you who have to read this. i am so sorry. but i dont care any more. it is because i care that i am alive and not dead. it is because i care that i didnt drink that bottle and am still fucking here. i am so sorry to put this all on you. i made this blog as an emotional release. but now i have gotten to know some of you so well that i cannot hurt you. but you dont know. thank god. at least i can talk about what i think. at least we dont know each other that well.
DAMNIT ... now i will have to make a private blog where i can say all this. and not feel as if it will effect anyone. please please. if you can understand what i wrote. please do not get affected by what i said. just read it and try to learn from but. but dont feel it. i would not want to be someone who causes anyone pain or sorrow. i just want all this to end. with noone feeling any pain or sorrow for me. my family happy.
sometimes i think i will go and have sex with another man and come home drunk and tell my family. then commit suicide. maybe they will think it is for the best. but i cant. because then my family will keep thinking that they had a son why didnt he turn out like any other normal person. i dont want to let them down. but fuck man i have let every one down. i have let everyone down. even myself. damn it. damn it all.
posted by Jalal @ 14:37
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