Tuzk e Jalali: 200307

so here is todays normal post. or abnormal post. or whatever the hell you may want to call it post.

i was standing besides a road and was splashed by a lot of rain water. i was wearing white clothes. i am so proud my myself. i didnt ejaculate horribel expletives at the driver immediately. maybe that is why he felt so very sorry for me and reversed the car and said sorry. i think noone has said sorry in a such a situation is about 5 years in karachi. another thing for me to be proud of.

today i went to downtown for some work. i saw the tallest building in pakistan. it is the mcb plaza. and it is under construction right now. the guy i went with had to go get something. since i was such a mess i had to stay in the car. the car has stopped in front of the city court. it is SUCH a beautiful building. and yes you know what i did. i counted cars on the road. here is the iternary.

1600-1605 - 369 cars
1606-1611 - 29 buses - that comes to about 1 bus every 10.3 second
1612-1617 - 175 motorcycles
1618-1623 - 374 cars
1624-1629 - 58 saloon cars
TRAFFIC JAM LIKE HELL !!! then started counting when traffic started to move
1640-1645 - 481 cars

well then we came home. after getting stuck in the after work rush hour for one hour.

the most interesting thing i saw on that road was camel carts. yes camel carts. a camel pulling a cart behind it. loaded with stuff. it was very interesting. i saw 3 of them. maybe it was the same one. didnt see it that close.

also today i paid homeage to the tallest building in karachi. the mcb plaza. it is a TALL alright. but it is nto good looknig. i hate the person who decided how to decorate the exterior. he should be made an example of hatred to art lovers all over the world

i will leave now. and let you collect your thoughts. after the battering they have undergone in my post.

hi all of you out there.

first of all i would like to apologize for yesterdays outburst. just some problems i am going through. shouldnt have thrown it all on you guys like that.

well one thing that i should tell all of you that read this blog. i have seen a lot of people blog about being in bad moods and such. but for me when i am in a bad mood. all my negative emotions, thoughts and feelings are directed towards me. i am everything that is wrong. never someone else. so when i do get in a bad mood i get nasty against me. nothing to get worried or concerned about ok. it is my format for a bad mood.

also when i am in a bad mood i tend to get very graphic. you should thank allah i dont type this thing in urdu. which is my mother tongue. if i did. most of you would just freeze in shock reading what kinds of things i think when i am in a bad mood and also do not shirk from writing down.

and francis i am NOT scum. i just thought i was for about 5 hours yesterday. and next time i am in a bad mood i will make it a point to read your comment to cheer me up.

also mak and crash. thank you very much. means a lot to know there are people out there.

i am scum. i am fucking scum. i am the worst human ever on the face of this fucking planet. i am a curse sent down by allah upon my parents for their past sins. i am a curse sent down by allah upon my sisters for their future sins. i just wish there was some fucking way of dying without pulling my whole family through the trauma. if only there were a way for me to end this miserable existence and noone to get hurt now or ever.

two things that shocked the living hell our of me in the last hour that i managed to post about.

1- i saw oprah. there is this extremely cute guy who is probably an interior designer. but he is so so so so so cute. and yes according to my tradition i have already found something wrong with him. he isnt 6ft + in height. i am so gay.

2- i was watching *m*a*s*h* and they gave b.j. an absolutely sentimental and marvellous present on his anniversary. and i fucking cried. there were tears in my eyes. i mean with my cousin sleeping in the next. if he had gotten up and seen that. his MALE cousin crying. he would have shot him followed by all the other male members of my relatives. 22 year old pakistani male crying. i am so gay.

hmmmmm. it is still raining. the city is in a mess. there a complete collapse of civilization as we know it here in karachi. the roads have borken into a million(more) potholes. floods ravage the city. vultures scavenge for dead meat that people might throw out in fear of disease. OH MY GOD ! i have to calm down i am being SO SO SO SO SO overdramatic.

well i went to this government and saw a very interesting thing. there on the window was a list of things that i needed to bring in order to get the work done. and below the list of 5 things was urdu "note : waqt bachanay kay liye fuzool sawalat say gurey karein" english translation "note : to save time please refrain from asking useless questions" loolz. laughed like hell at that. the guy behind the counter thought i was a wacko. so i had to act like one. he really hurried up with my paperwork. loolz.

well i am home again. and it is raining. my cousin is screaming at me to type lighter as he cannot sleep. i am still typing on being a bitch. he has a paper to submit so he was up all night. also he didnt turn down the music for me while i slept. so i am getting back at him. i am such a bitch.

also i got a webcam installed yesterday. i cannot wait to think of the possibilities. ;). i am a bitch ;). also i liked it at first but i hate it now. its picture quality leaves a lot to be desired. well what the hell at least i can talk to my bf (who happens to live in the same city) like every normal gay guy. wait a minute. cut the last sentence. it makes me sound like i need to cast in the next psycho movie.

so until next time. i will leave you all alone with your thoughts not mine. so as to let some sanity prevail on this little group of sorry folk who end up having to read my blog.

also i saw vanilla sky. maybe that is the reason this blog is so frikking psychotic.

OH MY GOD !!! it is true. i have found another gay blogger from karachi !!!!! there are others like me in this world. i am not alone !!! i am not alone !!! well it is a relief. it is like being on a desolate island without any people. looking for people . andsuddenly after being all alone for two months. you see a human walking. and it is the utmost of relief and happiness. and tears of joy. well maybe i am making a bit toooooo dramatic. but what the hell. it is a nice nice nice thing to see someone else like me.

and you know what. he wrote the most flattering of comments about me. he said that he fell in love with me "swoon" he also liked my about me page "swoon" and he is from karachi. and he blogs too. there are only about 20-30 bloggers in karachi that is what i figure. this is so wonderful. his pseudonym is danial.

ok for all of you americans and europeans and australians a glimpse into the hell that people from the third world have to go through from time to time. here in karachi this is what is going on.

you wont believe it. yesterday in karachi it rained 100mms in 6 hours. the rain was so heavy it broke the record for 25 years. i coundlt go to office yesterday or today. so i have to stay at home. sit on my computer and interact with the people at my office through my computer. sortof cool.

well the thing is it rained cats and dogs yesterday. the water drainage system of karachi is very very bad. the water that fell is now all standing in the low lying areas of the city. most of the major and main roads have about 1-2 feet of water standing on them. and many many cars have shut down because of water getting into the engines or other things. due to this there are HUGE traffic jams on nearly all major roads in the city.

on many roads no buses or public transport is moving so many many people have had to walk miles and miles to get to their houses. the sidewalks were filled with people going to their houses on foot. well i went for a long drive last night across the city to meet relatives who had come from the us and are going back tomorrow. it was horrible.

due to the excessive rains there is a lot of water. there is a lot of water in all the waterways in the city. water is standing in lowlying areas of the city. some of the areas have seen floods. some have seen flash floods. the situation in the city is apalling. the city is in a state of complete transportation collapse. the city is in a state of complete infrastructure collapse. the government of the city of karachi has declared a state of emergency all over the city.

so to all of my friends who read this from outside the third world. i am sure this is a new thing. doesnt happen on your side of the world. so welcome to the world forum and see what we have to go through.

oh yes i forgot. the electricity has been but in large naighbourhoods of the city to save people from getting accidental electric shocks. in some areas there is no power for one whole day. and here it is quite hot. very very hard to live without fans. hmmmmm. i think i have talked to much for now. ill post later. bye.

well brace yourself because this will be a long long post.

i come over to my cousins house last night. needed to get out of the house for a day or two. well so here i am all alone. he went to his college in the morning.

the computer is in front of me. the window is on my left. it is cloudy. overcast with uniform gray clouds. it is raining. there are a lot of thunder. not the shrieking type. the low rumbling type of thunder. there is a cool humid breeze blowing.

the tree right infront of the window is so wet. its leaves are dancing with every drop of rain that falls on them. rain water from the roofs of nearby houses is falling on the street and making a splashing noise. i can hear a mynah bird. with its cooOOO cooOOO. i can hear a sparrow with its chirp chirp.

oh so wonderful i am completely into this weather. it is so wonderful.

i have my favourite music playing. ghazals. and i have been like this for the last 2 hours. now playing 'jab us zulf ki baat chali' sung by mehdi hasan.

but there is one thing wrong here. i am alone. i wish if someone was here with me. well i wish if A was here. well i havent chatted with him for the last two days. although i have sent him emails. well i still hope he was here with me. it is cuh romantic weather. oooooooooo. wow lovely ghazal. now playing 'aa keh sajjada nasheen kaisay hua merya baad' sung by mehdi hasan.

chaak karna hay ishi gham say girayban e kafan
kon kholay ga teray band e qaba meray baad

i am just feeling so romantic and adventurous today. i dont know why but i think it is the weather and the music. i know that the weather and music have always had a very big effect on me. so is this day here.

i have been reading a lot of blogs lately. looking into peoples lives. looking at what they share. thinking about what they do not share. it is a fascinating world out there. it has so much to see and feel. reading blogs from pakistan to see what people are doing in my country. reading blogs from the world over to see what people are doing and seeing and feeling and thinking in the rest of the world.

it is a wonderful thing. bringing people closer. making them understand each other. with time the artificial lines made by government across the globe will get dimmer and dimmer. we will finally be able to understand each other better. we will finally be able to live like human and not territorial animals.

during the monsoon season (the one we are going through) people bathe in the rain. it is a nice temprature. not hot nor cold. but slightly warmish coolish. the perfect temprature. you do not feel it to be cold despite the wind. you do not feel it to be hot despite the temprature otherwise.

right now. about 5-10 children are bathing in the rain. runnig around. splashing water. jumping in the small puddles. singing songs that children sing during the rain. i remember all of this. i used to do it too. its the same street. the puddles are in the same places. the songs are the same. the houses are the same.

yadish ba khair (oh sweet memory ... signifying a deep sense of nostalgia)

well now it is the perfect combination. excellent weather. excellent music. and i am feeling romantic and nostalgic. what more can one want. it is the state of blissful nirvana.

oooooooo. another mehdi hasan classic. this music is giving me an orgasm. baat karni mujhe mushkil kabhi aisay to na thee. jaisi ab hay teri mehfil kabhi aisay to na thee. uffffffffffffff.

i heard that mehdi hasan is in canada. he is undergoing medical treatment there. he is on his last breaths. it is so unfortunate. that a man of his calibre. the shahinshah of ghazal (emperor of ghazal) is dying.

his magical voice enchanted millions for decades. his grasp of music plucked the strings of millions of hearts all over the world. his alaap would send shivers of delight through millions of souls. his voice was an instrument in itself. it was the most beautiful of the instruments. he has the voice that will be remembered in legend all over south asia for ages. along with amir khusrau and tansen.

oh the rain is getting heavier all of a sudden. the children start shrieking with joy. heavier still. heavier still. WHOA WHOA WHOA. wow it is REALLY raining now. i better publish my blog before the power gets cut off and i lose it.

i have made a few changes to the blog. a change has also been made to no.7 in the about me section. val kilmer before. david fumero now. i have no idea why i didnt put fumero in there at first. but maybe i was too sleepy and was forgetting obvious things.

i have added a few links to the sites that i like going to. a few blogs that i read. and that is about it. also a flag of pakistan to signify that i am a pakistani. maybe at some later date ill get a bigger flag.

so have fun and enjoy your stay.

people who have spent one whole day looking for a new car in a large city like karachi will know what i talk about in this post(this is one of the longest sentences that i have ever written). looking through the classifieds on a sunday. talking a bunch of people half of whome were half wits and a quarter or whome were quarter wits.

then we finally saw a nice car. we went to it. we looked at it. we pushed it. we pulled it. we checked it. we liked it.

we then followed the age old tradition of the orient. haggling. for half an hour we haggled. we told each other not to overprice. we exaggerated the flaws. the owners exaggerated the good things. we told them not to do this so we do not have to fall to the level of petty bargaining. they told us the same thing. people shook their heads in disbelief. people told each other how poor they were and couldnt afford this or that. people told each other about how much they needed that money. people told each other that such a small amount doesnt matter. but by the end it wasnt about the money. it was about who wins. streetwise men trying to get the upper hand. whoa. and you think i wouldnt get turned on but i did. the two people bargaining were both hot. and i have a thing for one of them so i liked it.

next we came home. one by one the other two guys went away i was left with the guy who bargained from my side. well he was the one i had the thing about. well he is gay. so am i. and we both know about each other. and we both know that we both know about each other. well at night we both went for dinner together. i think he likes me. but i am with A.A. also i think he is nice and cute but just as a friend. how the hell do i make him stop thinking about me without hurting him. damnit! i dont know the easiest of things.

i am such a moron.

last night was the first saturday night of my working life. although i love my work i like the idea of going out over the weekend. this weekend there was no such plan. well i thought id go over to my cousins to spend the weekend. he lives alone so we could behave like guys and hang out and stuff.

i get there and he tells me we are going to a concert. now. i hate concerts. i hate them. i dont know why but i get extremely depressed in concerts. well he insisted so i decided to go. we went with our friends of the neighbourhood (in pakistan is the completely straight for a group of friends to go out together even for a concert). all the way i prayed that it wasnt a concert and that it was a ghazal evening(pakistans equivalent of the opera). no. i am not a boring person. i just like ghazal evenings.

on the ticket we had a concert at 2200 hours. but when we got there at 0000 hours we saw that it was a ghazal evening. WOW!. all the other guys who forced me to come had to be bored as hell for an hour and a half. and i enjoyed myself so much. my cousin told me he will never force me to go anywhere as i will jinx that too. awwwwww. that is so cute.

also i had a hit today from someone coming from this address "http://search.yahoo.com/bin/search?p=what%20rains%20mean%20to%20pakistan&ei=UTF-8" which is a yahoo search for what rain means to pakistan. well if i am that popular that my blog is dealing with social issue. wow. thats all i can say.

hmmmm. i hate my monitor i am going to get a new one. i hate my keyboard but i am not going to get a new one because i am too used to it. whoa. thats sounds like some peoples relationships. i hated my mouse and i just got a new one 5 mins ago. hence this post is possible.

well it has been raining a lot in karachi for the past few weeks. more than the last 8-10 years. so it rains all day long on and off, on and off. the whole family sits besides the windows looking out and beaming at the wonderful weather. having lots of tea and samosas and pakoras.

i have finally realized what tgif means. today is saturday and i am at home. i feel so so so so relieved that i do not have to work today. it is making me giddy. also my last day at work didnt go so well. my boss had too much work to do and he let out a lot of steam. since i am new. at me.

at one point i was told that i am so slow that my bosses computer can think faster. i didnt pay much importance or attention to anything that he said after that. i was too occupied thinking how stupid he is. also how he has this small ink stain on his pocket. which i will never tell him about but i will tell everyone else at work about.

i am such a bitch.

also i have this really really cool joke to share with you its basically a pun on a word "our research department tells us that is the days of Queen Elizabeth the First, some ladies in waiting liked to curl up with a good book, while others were satisfied with one of the pages." ;). have fun. bbye.

first of all i am laughing right now. at my own naivity. when i actually managed to write "so i have managed to write the most psychologically insane post ever in the history of blogging." so now goes the even insaner(if there is such a word) post.

i have asked the permission of the guy. also try to read it through every line has its own beauty.

msn messenger. immedately after my previous post.

u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:i see your journal
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:ya
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:and from that i added u
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:ohk ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:what did you search for ?
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:i saw ur atricle
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:oh ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:which one ?
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:aool.blogspot.com ?
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:ok
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:ya
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:who u wrote that
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:yep ... that is my work
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:do u have gaystories
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:reall
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:have you even left a comment ?
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:thats great
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:no ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:i dont do that ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:for that you should find the proper sites
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:no but u write little roodly
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:likewht
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:?
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:example ... what was i rude about ?
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:listen
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:can u put my article
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:on ur site
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:yar ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:it is a blog
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:it is not a magazine ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:hey you know what ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:you should make your own blog
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:can u put mines in ur blog
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:no ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:well
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:why
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:a blog is like a diary ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:do people put other peoples things in their diry ..
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:no ...
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:aacha u will but ur lover article in ur blog
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:?
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:what ?
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:aacha u will but ur lover article in ur blog
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:yar i am sorry i cannot understand what you are trying to say ....
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:oh are you talking about me mentioning you ???
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:no
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:i mean if ur lover say u to put his article in ur blog will u
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:no
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:i will make him get his own blog ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:but then again maybe i will ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:but 99 % i will make him his own blog
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says: then why not my
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:make one for me
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:because you are not my lover ....
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:DUH!
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:ok one thing ..
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:wht
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:you want me to mention you in my blog ?
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:ya
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:sure with my email
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:ahahhaha ok ... i will do that ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:wait ill add a post right now ...
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:ok
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:thanks
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:no problem
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:another thing ...
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:yar you can give comments to my posts ... and add your email and website to it as well ...
u never Know who will fall in love with u from ur smile says:yamohsin
Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan says:ok

ok. i know i am being a bitch posting this. shows a complete lack to etiquette. but i do not think such things happen often. so i am sharing it with you.

and yes. his email address is mohsin807@hotmail.com. please do not harass him.

i am sure he must be one of those who searched for karachi gay sex on google and got my site somewhere in there. since a lot of porn has been banned in pakistan last month. maybe mine is the first site that opens. i actually get about 2 hits a day from such searches. go figure.

well today was an interesting day.

firstly last night i met my soul mate friend. we became the my slut soul mates. we think exactly alike about all men. likes and dislikes. and T and I are complete sluts. we are the best of friends after last nights chat. it was wonderful. we have similar taste in men. movies. music. men. tv shows. languages. men. so you get my drift.

also the guy i told you about. A.A. i have actually fallen for him. we have used the words. i love you to each other. i dont know if it is fast or what. but i think we have crossed a few lines here. well whatever so i am taken now. no need to hit on me. also he told me i can have flings and one night stands as long as they dont mean anything. so i am not that taken after all.

and today i didnt get a facial. i realized another thing. i am gay . i am not a woman.

also i hate it when you need to go to the bathroom but you are out of the house. then you are like. i need to go man. and you have to stop over someplace to get something. and you cant go to the bathroom coz they are not clean there. and everyone there is working so so so slow. it is outrageous. you want them to hurry but they just wont. it is so so so aggravating. well i hate it when this happens.

so i have managed to write the most psychologically insane post ever in the history of blogging.

well there are three important things in this post. i realization. an action. and a feeling leading to another realization.

last night i was chatting with someone. it suddenly hit me. i am 22. i am gay. i am a virgin. i dont have a boyfriend. i have never had one. i have never had sex or any sexual or semi-sexual relations with another man. then WHAM! there is something wrong. so now i am not only looking for the love of my life. i am also looking for someone to ravish me and make me a non virgin. but i have to make sure it is safe as well (why do i do this to myself !). but as always i my first priority is the love of my life.

i told you guys we are shifting. sifting through the stuff i found. i foung a picture of my dad at his academy. he is in the police and very much a policemen. well he was about 30 at that time. what shocked and scared me was that i was completely turned on by some of my dads entry mates. i felt like a complete pervert after that. i cant keep from getting attracted anyone on paper, on screen or in person. i have to sleep with someone to get this out of my system.

and yes finally i did something outrageous for me. it was my first time. it was the first time some guy from my relatives my age did it. something that would be considered extremely forward for a guy my age 10 years ago. something that would be considered simply unacceptable for a guy when my dad was my age. something that would be considered worthy of the death penalty for a guy in when my granddad was my age.

i had a facial.

yes. i had a facial. my suddenly realization that since i am gay. all the rules of pakistani manhood do not apply to me. since i will not dating women i do not have to be extremely masculine and scruffy enough to be confused with sandpaper. and it felt wonderful. my sister gave me the facial. she told me all about it. so now i can do it when she is not here. also she told me where all the stuff will be. so it is in my reach. ahhhhhhhhh ! the life.

also i am so so so so so pleased as i write this paragraph. i met a guy on mirc about a month ago. it was a wonderful chat. all nighter. i liked him VERY VERY much. and also he liked me VERY VERY much. then he got disconnected and i didnt hear from him since. a few emails we sent at first but then he was lost. i tried to find him but in vain. now at this very moment i am chatting with him. yey. and it turns out he was also missing me. yey! and he also kept logs that he read twice in the interval. twice. YEY! so i didnt give him the address to this blog.

i dont want him to find out all the inherant flaws in me. and realize how much i have fallen for him. so i will leave now and see how my chat developes. bye. and wish me luck.

the reason for todays post is to share with you all something that i enjoy. something that is capable of giving me orgasmic pleasure. it is poetry and music. since these specific artforms will be new to you. i will give you a background.

i just thought this post should be about a few cultural things from here. such as poetry and music. to start of with pakistan india and bangladesh form a cultural unit. perviously known as india(greek, english), hind(arabic), hindustan(persian, urdu) and bharat(sanskrit, hindi). so the poetic and musical traditions that i will talk about today will be from this region.

one of the many forms of poetry('shaairi' in urdu) is the ghazal. it is one of the most popular. most rhythmic. most beautiful. and most liked forms of poetry in south asia(india+pakistan+bangladesh). it is made up of couplets. which join together to form the ghazal. every couplet has two lines which are about the same subject. different couplets in the ghazal can have different themes making it more independent and deep.

one of the many forms of music('mausiqi' in urdu) is also the ghazal. it is the art of singing the ghazal. the poetic form i just talked about. it is made upon raagas. so it contains a heavy element to south asian classical music. there is a way of singing a ghazal that makes it much much more meaningful and pleasing. since the topics can range from love to life to society to romance to loss to anything whatsoever. it is interesting to see how the ghazal developes with time.

i love reading ghazals and feeling them and contemplating upon them. i love listening to music especially the way the ghazal is sung. i am more of a classical music guy. so i have a form of poetry that is very beautifully woven into music. it is a collection of two beautiful things. poetry and music.

everyone likes certain voices. everyone finds certain individual to be more melodious. everyone had a favourite voice. and usually in 98% of the cases people say that their favourite voice could be better. i mean to say they think it isnt perfect. well my favourite all time singer is mehdi hasan. he is an excellent ghazal singer. his is the best voice that i have ever heard emanating from a throat. also he is very adept in his art. he knows every little thing of what to do with his voice to send shivers down peoples spines. summarizing, he is perfect. i cannot imagine someone better.

so now i have ghazal being sung by mehdi hasan. i cannot tell you how much of a plesure it is. there isnt one ghazal sung by him that will not pull me to the source of the sound. be it my home, a party, a bazaar or an airport. i cannot resist it. i will move towards the sound like a zombie. there is not one ghazal sung by mehdi hasan during whict at one time or another i will not close my eyes just to let all my sensations focus only on that one sound. and be swept away by it. i never listen to him in the car. it is too dangerous.

since i have been rambling on so much i will stop now. in the hope that the love of my life (who also has to like mehdi hasan VERY much) will read this post. and stop. and realize that he has also found the love of his life. and we will live happily ever after. listening to mehdi hasan.

as i type all this mehdi hasan's ghazals play in the background. this one is one of my favourites and one of his best works. since i cannot tell you how it sounds like i will only type the ghazal here. the poet was. faiz ahmed faiz. a wonderful wonderful poet. who also has the capability of pushing people into orgasmic pleasure just by the power of his words.

this poet of this ghazal is faiz ahmed faiz, it was sung by mehdi hasan. any south asian with an interest in music and poetry will tell you that 'this combination must be excellent'. period. this ghazal will instantly be recognized by the people i was talking about earlier. let me write the ghazal for you along with a few of the stresses during mehdi hasans musical version.

gulON meiN rang bharE, bAd-e-naubahAr chalE
chalE bhi Aao ke gulshan ka kAr-o-bAr chalE

qafas udAs hai yArON sabA se kuchh to kahO
kahiN to bahr-e-KHudA Aj zikr-e-yAr chalE

jo ham pe guzri so guzrI magar shab-e-hijrAN
hamAre ashk terI ANkh but saNwAr chalE

huA jo teer-e-nazar neem_kash to kyA hAsil?
mazA to jab hai ke seene ke aar-paar chalE

maqAm 'Faiz' koI rAh mEIN jachA hi nahIN
jo kU-e-yAr se niklE to sU-e-dAr chalE

now the translation. since i am translating this it is very very very flawed. also it is just a prosaic translation.

spreading the colour in the flowers the early spring breezes blow
do come here now so the business of the garden should start

the prison cell is very lonely friends say something to the wind
would not that somewhere o lord the topic of my beloved comes up

what has befallen us is past but o night of lonely seperation
my tears have made better your eyes and your own self

what is the use when the arrows from your eyes are too weak?
pleasure will be when it will cross my heart and chest

no place faiz did i like in the way
when i left the street of the beloved i went straight towards death

i hate myself horribly for mutiliating this beautifuil ghazal by this ghastly translation. sorry to everyone who i hurt extermely by this display or boorish barbarism. it is so so so so so much better without the translation.

well i will not obsess about it. i will leave now. let god be kind to you.

well life goes on. people meet people. people fuck up. people loose people. life moves on. that was the summary of the last two days of my life.

another overcast day, light rain, cool breeze and wonderful food. ahhhhhh. this is the life.

when i was outside walking aroud it started to rain. i remember actually saying 'dont rain!'. and when the rain didnt stop despite my order i said even louder 'dont you dare rain !'. after this i immediately realized that i need some serious psychiatric help and that i am a control freak. to the extent of trying to control rain.

after i came back home it was wild. i had to bicker and nag for 5 hours continuously. with my mom and my sisters. in case you are thinking. yes ! bickering and naggin does help. due to that i got the best room. YEY!. and i have settled down in it with all my stuff. it looks wonderful. it is clean. it is large. it is cool. and most importantly it is the best room in the house.

so i will be joining my new job from monday next week. i am going to be working in a newspaper. editorial section. YEY!. i am so so so happy. maybe i will meet someone there who will be perfect and fall completely in love with him. and he will fall in love with me. and we will sneak into the bathroom for some unchaste activities or other stuff that i better not describe here. or i will work like every other human being on this planet does and keep waiting for someone.

if you want to know what happens stay tuned.

OH MY GOD! the best of news ever. and the worst of news ever. first the best news.

i have finally been able to connect to irc. i go to a few channels there to meet people. actually i go there to find 'the one'. well. i was there all night last night. i met someone.

it was so so so frikking scary the way we had things in common. at one time i was actually going to stop chatting coz i got really freaked. but it was awesome. we had so much in common. so much. at one moment i asked got so exasperated i asked him. "dont effing tell me your favourite colour is blue and your sign is virgo". well i was expecting a different answer. but i got an answer that actually made me swoon. "actually my favourit coloyr is blue and i am a virgo" then he goes on and tells me. but i also like whites blacks and anything in between them and blue. OOOOO MMMMMYYYYYYY GGGGGOOOOODDDDD !!!!! i had goosebumps all over. because that is exactly what i would have said. this is just one thing. we have millions of other things in common.

i was so excited i couldnt focus. i was so so so shocked and happy. we bonded like hell. we TALKED ! everything was the same. we both belong to similar families. think alike. are similar situations. it was awesome. i think he might be 'the one'. :)

well unfortunately i gave him the addy to my blog. but i hope he wont read it and think i haven fallen head over heels in love with him. and realize i am to desperate and psychotic and leave me. PLEASE ALLAH PLEASE make this one work.

i mean chatting with someone for all night here in pakistan means spending a night talking in america. oh it was magical.

maybe you people dont understand the importance of this night. it was THE night. and he is THE guy. i have never met someone who i was so interested in.

now comes the bad news.

he lives in rawalpindi. very very far away.

now comes the horrible news

I AM SUCH A MORON !!!
he is 5'7. i am attracted to men at least as tall as me. (he is perfect for me)
there is no other thing the problems. he is good looking. he is everything i can ever ask for. and here i am already creating issues. i dont like this i dont like that. there are too aools righ tnow. one is saying. this is wrong. that is wrong. the other is saying. shut the fuck up you moron. he is perfect. you have to look for another 10 years to find someone like him.
yes he is younger i like guys my age or slightly older. GODDAMIT YOU ARE A MORON AOOL

i hate myself. i wanted the perfect guy. i got him. now i am looking for everything. gooddamit man. i can get everything. GROW THE FUCK UP!

i am hating myself for this. i keep telling myself. even this guy is too good for me. but no. i dont listen. i want a man who had all the good qualities of all the men that currently reside on the atlantic seaboard. GODDAMIT you cant have all that. it is just not possible. i am a mess i hate myself. he is perfect. PERFECT !!!. i dont know what is wrong with me.

i am keeping my criterion so high that noone EVER! will come upto it. and someone actually does that. he will not stay with me because 1 hed be an angel and having a homosexual relationship would be out of the question or 2 he will find someone upto his standards and his liking where i will definitely not fit.

GOD I HATE THIS !!! i have the perfect guy but i want more. HELP ME !!! ALLAH !!!

well the unthinkable has happened. 100 people have stumbled upon my blog. wow. people dont have anything to do any more. this is bad. this is very very bad. OH MY GOD ! there is something going on that i will post about later.

in honour of my one hundred i am going to give out free birayani. those of you who dont knwo it. rest assured it is wonderful.

and yes. thank you for coming.

aool

OH MY GOD! it actually is such hard manual labour. when i read makkie writing about cleaning the house and getting exhausted i didnt know why. now i know. it is HARD LABOUR!. well here in pakistan people live with their families. i am an only son. so i am the only young man in the house who do all the hard labour. so i am doing it. i am taking a half hour break. maybe just to write this post.

well pakistan is a society where we have much stronger gender roles than america. actually very defined gender roles. men do not do the house work. men do not cook or clean. that is womens work. but wait. this isnt over. men dont get off that easily. in return for that. we are the men. we do all the manual labour. the MANual labour. we move furniture. anything that weak women cant do. it is different. well it is hard to expain how things in pakistan are. maybe with time ill clear it out somewhat.

and oh yes i didnt tell you this. the only thing functioning is this house is the computer coz i fixed it first thing. there is no water here. so i cant go to the bathroom. no water to drink so i cant drink. no food to eat so i am damned hungry. no nothing to sit on so i am sore. i am hungry thirsty sore tired bitchy and DAMNED HORNY! well that is coz someone sent me some porno pics in my mail. and unfortuntely i saw em. and unfortunately they were hot. and i didnt get time to take care of myself. so i am horny as well. i hate people who send unsolicited porn and create problems for all of us.

i will be alone in the house at night. all alone. sleeping on a bedsheet on the floor. well it has been about few months since i was all alone in a house. and i also know that i have this strange irrational fear of the dark. god knows how the night will turn out.

i dont intend to bum all of you out talking about my non existent love life. but i really wish i had someone to spend the night with. and yes i am not talking about sex. i am talking about someone i can catch a movie with. have dinner with. talk to. laugh with. stuff. i dont know. it sux like this. but whatever. i will get up tomorrow and start moving the furniture all day. i am hoping we get everthing fixed tomorrow. then we will get some workers to get everything fixed and checked. then we will hope fully move in about 3-4 days from now.

wow. i always end up writing long long posts. so bye. ill write later.

Basic Information

name : jalaluddin ahmed khan (DUH! of course it is not real. just a pseudonym)
age : 22
sex : male
orientation : gay
location : pakistan
city : karachi
neighbourhood : north nazimabad
self description : funny, smart, cute, sexy, educated, compassionate and flawless (of course i am exaggerating)
looking for : funny, smart, cute, sexy, educated, compassionate and flawless (of course i know i am being unreasonable)

ok i added a little info about me on a new page. if anyone wants to read it. i have a link on this page. also the address is aboutaool.blogspot.com. THIS is also a link.

100 point odyssey through my life. no particular order. CAUTION : proceed at your own risk.

001 - i am an idiot to think that any of you will like to read this list here. but i am posting it all the same because like i said i am an idiot.
002 - like old nostalgic songs on tv
003 - like to listen to south asian classical music (raagas for those who dont know what i am talking about)
004 - my friends and our friendship is very important for me
005 - use english spellings rather than american spellings
006 - like the sound of azaan for maghrib
007 - my fake sex buddy is david fumero
008 - like to listen to ghazals
009 - people who follow soap operas for more than 3 years should be relocated and not allowed to see that soap any more
010 - have fallen in love once and fallen out of it as well (after being dumped)
011 – the college majors that i wanted to do at some time in my life included architecture, history and urdu
012 - often say 'aray!' and also 'oh my god!'
013 – favourite character on the tv serial friends is phoebe, frasier is niels, everybody loves raymond is deborah
014 - dislike violence and war
015 - like pictures of beaches in latin american countries (wow they are a HOT people)
016 - for me the biggest turn on is a 'man' (masculine and wild)
017 - for me the biggest turn off is if someone uses a linguistically incorrect sentence or if they talk in a bad accent (no hard and fast rules. i decide which accent is good or bad)
018 - i seriously dislike if someone uses wrong grammar in urdu or english
019 - i seriously dislike if someone uses wrong pronunciation in urdu or english
020 - i seriously dislike if someone has a bad accent (bad by my standards not any specific standard)
021 – very attracted to policemen. specially uniformed policemen from america and europe
022 - i can understand written french, farsi and arabi crudely
023 - like to watch satellite images and aerial images of the earth and different parts of it (yes you are right. i am a big big freak)
023 - humour i like. satire or wit? satire.
025 - favourite modern time and place combinations. paris under the sun king. dehli under shah jahan. vienna at the time of mozart. london under queen victoria. berlin 1938ad. new york now. karachi now. (i also fantasize a lot about these)
026 - favourite english tv shows are friends, everybody loves raymond, frasier, drew carey show, sex and the city, 3rd rock from the sun, star trek (next generation, original, enterprise)
027 - when i went to the us i used to sit besides a lake a lot. the lake and its beaches were private property but noone lived on this side of the lake. i used to go in because i wouldnt be intruding on anyone. i was caught trespassing by a cop. i have this thing about cops and i had this huge thing about him at that time. to save myself from trouble i had to act as if i cant speak english at all. he checked my passport and let me go. of course i couldnt ask him out. i am such an idiot.
028 – favourite job would be that where i get to live in many different cities and countries all over the world
029 - currently unemployed and looking for a job (this might change from 21-07-2003)
030 - dislike bigotry and intolerance (by the way i am told that i am a bigot)
031 - mehdi hasan is my all time favourite composer, musician and singer. he has the best voice of all humans that sing. (he is capable of giving me an orgasm just by his music)
032 - my fake boyfriend is colin farell
033 - birthday is on the 15th of september (i wonder why they dont call it ides of september)
034 - ethnic background is south asian sub group pakistani sub group urdu speaking sub group up-ite sub group yousufzai pathan
035 - dont have any tatoos yet. but i am thinking about getting one (at times it is a turn on at times it isnt )
036 - like the following comics bizarro, baby blues, wizard of id, rose is rose, the gambols
037 – favourite foods include haleem, biryani, paay, puloa and nihari (yes i am a glutton)
038 - have had a love affair over the internet with a guy in america from ohio. i know how he likes his eggs. i also know what he wants to name his daughter. i have no contact with him since july 2002 (when he stopped replying to my emails all of a sudden. i dont know if he is ok or not)
039 - have been doused in water 4 times in restauraunts by women. women dont like my male chauvinist pig attitude. i dont have one.
040 - people who think that putting out will ge them love are not completely wrong
041 - interested in history, movies, literature, music, art, news and politcs (no i am not dull in real life also I consider these interests a plus in the man of my choice)
042 – prefer fruit juices over water. water over milk. milk over coke(read carbonated drinks). coke(read carbonated drinks) over nothing
043 - once there was a cold rainy day. i had to go to my room in my university and i got wet due to rain. when i reached the dorm the door was locked. i coudlnt find my key. i needed to pee like hell. i tried to find a loo for half an hour. i was desperate. suddenly. i let all those muscles and ducts and everything free. i stopped trying to stop it. and moment i let go was the most relaxing moment of my life. although i agree it was the most disgusting thing anyone had ever blogged about. but it was the most relaxing moment ever (for those of you who might stop loving me after this please don’t. this was a once in a life time thing. It will never happen again.)
044 - have a bachelors in computer engineering
045 – i am 6 ft tall or about 184 cms tall
046 - there has been only once that i met a guy who was also gay and interested in me. we both liked each other on sight. we went for dinner. it was my first and only date. i was very nervous. to the extent that at one time i spoke without breathing for 15 minutes. we never had any contact after that. i am such an idiotic buffoon.
047 - favourite musicians/composers are mehdi hasan, ravi shanker, bare ghulam ali, eric clapton, beethoven, tchaikovski
048 - dislike wearing suits and ties
049 - of the seven sins my favourite is lust
050 - favourite ancient time and place combinations. memphis under khufu, mohenjodaro 2000bc, persepolis under xerxes, athens under pericles and rome under julius caesar
051 - i am a virgin (no it is not a lie! i am a virgin! i didnt find the right person yet)
052 – spend an immeasurable amount of time on the internet
053 – shortcomings in someone. nagging or stupidity? nagging.
054 - all time favourite newspaper is 'dawn' from karachi pakistan (read it daily and love its format and content)
055 - sometimes when you are sitting with friends and someone cracks a very good joke someone on the table might spew all the drink out in a geyser. i once cracked a joke that was so funny that two people sitting opposite each other did it at the same time. giving me a view of two geysers going in opposite directions at the same time. so i am 1 of 9 humans to have seen something like that in the last 10 years.
056 – sports that i play include swimming, cricket and horse riding
057 - dislike narrow minded people
058 - some of the urdu writers that i like are saadat hasan manto, ahmed nadeem qasmi, ibn e insha, bano qudsia
059 – have black eyes
060 - once had a chance to get either my or my best friends grade improved in college. i got his grade improved. never told him.
061 – likes in others. beauty or brains? both
062 - i have two blogs. one for the gay man that i am. one for the straight man that i have to pretend to be
063 - once spent a whole day in my university to find at the end of the day that my jeans were ripped at an awkward location. noone ever jokingly called me a girl in college after that day. even if i said that i like romantic comedies and want to have manicure and pedicures and facials for the rest of my life. believe me i once said that just to check. i wasnt called a girl. i was called effeminate.
064 - some of the urdu poets that i like are ghalib, mir, faiz, momin
065 - favourite weather is overcast with slightly darkish clouds (kaali ghata), mild breeze, light rain and sunlight breaking through the colouds far away
066 - dislike fanatics and fundamentalists
067 – love watching statisics and facts and figures. Love stock quotes and other figures and statistics that keep changing with time
068 - favourite times of the day are dawn(early morning) and dusk(late evening)
069 - honour is more important than money
070 – currently living with family (like all normal pakistanis my age)
071 - zodiac sign is virgo
072 - once got up at 4 am just to help my friend finish a project while he went to sleep till 8am.
073 – once screamed like a girl during an earthquake. after the quake made fun of another friend and “his” scream. everyone still thinks that other guy was the one who screamed (i know i am a devil in disguise)
074 - born in karachi
075 - favourite medieval time and place combinations. venice in its glory. dehli in the time of amir khusrau. samarkand under amir taimur. cordova in 1000ad. baghdad under harun ur rasheed.
076 - current dating status is that i am available and searching for someone right for me (yeah right! who isnt)
077 - like the smell of burning incense
078 - dislike the political right
079 - some of the english books that i liked very much les miserables, passage to india, war and peace, the god of small things, lord of the flies
080 - there is no 80 because there are two 23s.
081 – my fake girlfriend is brooke shields
082 - sometimes, i say poetry in urdu
083 – got my penis stuck in the zipper only once in my life. i was 9 at that time. it wasn’t bad and i was saved a lot of problems
084 - favourite urdu tv dramas waris, tanhaaiyan, aangan terha, chaand girehn
085 - like the smell when the first drops of rain fall on the dry ground (soondhi soondhi mitti ki khushboo)
086 - a girl once asked me to marry her. we didnt know each other well at that time. actually we had just spent less than three with each other all our lives. i fell down and died. i later learned that she says that often. she uses it instead of fuck off.
087 – college majors that i wish i had taken when i was in college international relations, political science, south asian classical music
088 - prefer to use english dates (ddmmyy) rather than american dates(mmddyy)
089 - once i was buying something from a convenience store. when i went to the payment counter there was another guy there. i was about 17 he was about 25. he was SO SO SO hot. well as i walked upto him he looked at me. i accidentally said 'wow!' while looking at him. i said 'wow!' while looking at him. he got flustered and left. i never forgot i said 'wow!'. i am such an idiot.
090 – hair colour is black
091 - love this urdu movie 'anand'
092 - i would rate money after honour, integrity, honesty, relationships, family, friends and education
093 - like good music
094 – don’t have any piercings and probably wont get any either
095 - once my best friend had to hold a whole sports event. so i helped him for five days in planning and implementing everything in that plan. didnt sleep more than 3 hours on any one of those days. then on the last day i fucked up and forgot to go get the guests. no event that year. sorry S.M.
096 - urdu and english are my first languages. i think in both of them.
097 – favourite international cities to live in would be paris, new york, istanbul, cairo, rome, san francisco in that order
098 - some english movies that i liked very much amadeus, shakespeare in love, contact, an ideal husband, gone with the wind, star trek(all of them), legends of the fall, gandhi, jinnah, the courtesan
099 - really dislike spam
100 - if you read through the whole list you are even more bored than i was while i wrote it. you also need a life. maybe less than me but all the same. or maybe you are interested in me. in which case you can drop me a line. oh my good! I really need a life

wonderful weather. i repeat wonderful weather. dark clouds. light rain. cool breeze. sun breaking clouds in some places. my favourite weather ever(concepts of good weather are VERY different for pakistan and america/europe)

so what is wrong. you are usually bitching in your posts. whats wrong now. well nothing much. just that something happened to the internet. it went down. the connection to server went down. i didnt have internet for about 12 hours. i tried and tried to fix it but failed. then i got a stream of friends to check it out. finally the guy from the isp came and fixed it. i hate that company. i hope they all fall down directly on their noses.

thats about it for my rants. now i will continue with something useful. i had to go with my sister for shopping today. something that tells you about pakistan. also something where i am SHOCKINGLY still bitching.

no no. no no no. no no. it wasnt fun. it isnt fun. ask any pakistani man. anyone from amongst those 75 million that we are. and the answer will be the same. WE HATE TO GO SHOPPING WITH WOMEN !!! sometimes we pretend we like it but we dont. we HATE it. my sister spent 4 hours sifting through clothes and shoes. 4 FRIKKING HOURS !!! and she just got one of each.

i had to sit in one store for about 1 hour. 1 HOUR ! while she looked at stuff. every time asking me for my opinion and after i gave it then going ahead as if i never gave it. saying to herself loud enough for me to hear. men dont know about this. i was ready to scream. she kept on like this for 4 hours. ok i am gay. i am effeminate. but today prooves that i am a man. i am as man as a man can be.

i dont know what the american conterpart of this scenario is. it is just the defining difference between men and women in pakistan. men cant go shopping with women in pakistan and like it. it is as plain as a penis and a lack of it. but you cant check that in the bazaars can you?

i have noticed that in my posts. i bitch a lot. maybe more than all the world blogging community put together. well next time maybe just maybe ill post a non bitching post. if anyone wants to see that tell me. so i might try at least for your sake.

the day is going wonderfully. wonderful weather. wonderful aandhi (strong winds, rain, a little dust blowing). in short excellent weather. i go out after such a long time. i roam around the shops and see things and people. it is nice. it is too nice. it is too good to be true. oh dear something is going to happen. something is going to happen. as soon as i realized i am obsessing about something uselessly i stop it. i enjoy the mall. extremely cute guys. well it was nice. then i met a friend. we went to have some tea. suddenly his friend comes along. he is so damned fucking cute i choke on my biscuit and drop dead besides my chair.

the three of us talk a bit. wonderful weather outside. WONDERFUL. cloudy. light rain. cool breeze.(what we call wonderful weather in pakistan is slightly different from america or europe). so we sit around drinking tea. then i notice that the hunk is acting slightly interested. my friend has to go for a bit. i get to talk to the hunk. he was WOW! well we talked for a while. i thought i had met 'the one'. he was cute and sexy and humorous and smart and educated.

but my happiness was to be squashed. a girl came to our table. she was hot as well. the hunk i was with got up and sat down with her on the sofa. slightly forward behaviour in pakistan. but enough to tell me which two people were interested in each other. and which gay idiot fell for a straight guy who on top of everything was already with a hot girl. we had tea. she was nice as well. but i hate her all the same. then i went home and felt sorry for myself. i am doing this right now by the way.

i am sickened by all this blatant display of heterosexual instincts. specially by men i am interested in.

since you guys dont know me so well i thought id tell you guys a little about myself. i am 22. from karachi pakistan. i am gay. very gay. completely gay. also i am a virgin. ok guys please close your mouths. those who jumped through the ceiling please climb down.

well i never foung the right guy. someone who would be cute and humorous and smart and well educated. maybe i was too afraid to try. i am afraid of being caught. gays in pakistan go through all forms of hell. well so that said. i am a virgin.

i have moved about a lot. karachi, islamabad and quetta. i have also been to the US and Saudi Arabia and lived there for a few months. i have finished my undergrad and i am looking for a job right now. i am about to start going to office in a few weeks because i think i might get a job this week.

i have fallen in love once. it was completely platonic. after i opened up completely to him. he dumped me. i have fallen out of love once. nothing like losing ones confidence in oneself.

i have had a one month long cyber relationship. he was an american from ohio. his nick on mirc was steve25usa. i fell for him. his favourite colour for clothing was green because it matched his eyes. suddenly he went extinct. no email. no irc. for one year. never met him since.

i lost my cyber virginity about two years ago. he was a latino from mexico. school teacher. (yeah i know :)!). well after we did it. he said bye. i told him he was my first. he said bye. he was the first pig i met. ive met many since. but they dont bother me so much now.

i love falling for people. i love having crushes on people. i usually have one or two crushes lying somewhere in my mind. helps me keep at it :).

although it is hard for most other humans but i like cyber relationships. maybe that is because i am too afraid to go for the real thing. well whatever. lets see where things lead me to. so for all of you. if there are any. who are reading this. you know where i am at on this issue.

thats about it for me for now. maybe ill keep telling you about all the other details later.

Useless Blog

hi yall

with the complete lack of comments coming my way i am starting to think. is there someone reading this. is there someone sitting on a chair somewhere. or by a fountain somewhere. or on the grass somewhere. or on a plane somewhere. or on a ship somewhere. or on the sand somewhere. crazy enough to read what i write. who has such an utter lack of useful time that he or she would want to waste it reading this.

i wonder and i wonder and i wonder.

also i keep waiting for comments.

bye yall

Dreaming about Strangers

hi yall

i guess i told you all about the guy i met in the mens room. well i have been thinking about him. it was lust at first sight. at least from my side. lust lust lust. too much and too strong. to the extent that i am still thinking about him. that shows my level of sexual deprivation.

well that being said. i am having a nice time. lying aroung all day. doing nothing at all. except writing blogs. reading blogs. checking email. sending email. watching tv. sleeping. going to the loo. and eating. that is it. nothing else to do. wonderful life. wonderful wonderful wonderful.

but there is impending doom. this lifestyle of heaven is going to change. i will have to go to work from tomorrow or next week. man i hate this. but on the bright side. it might lead me to someone. :).

and as to your questions. yes. i am still available.

bye yall

Futile Search

hi yall

i live in a city with 11 million other people. doing the math there should be a lot of people who can be my boyfriend. but i havent found one. man. well gay life here is a little subdued. so i meet people over the net. over the net there are two catagories of men. those who are pigs and those who i dont like. well that said let me proceed.

usually every conversation starts with a person being reasonable and normal. then with time you think maybe this is a decent human being. but you end up saying no. everyone wants to meet after the first chat or conversation. and i want to tell them to take it slow. but no. they want to meet and have sex after the first interaction. so these are the kind of people who are basically looking for sex than a relationship. man this sux. then there are the people who are nice and normal. but no spark. actually when i realize that i dont like someone. they usually turn out to be decent reasonable human beings. all this sux man. it is very hard coping with this. in a city of 11 million there has got to be someone. but i havent found him yet. maybe i will maybe i wont. but comeon a guys gotta have what a guys gotta have. well maybe i am just overreacting after an irc chat last night. i really liked the guy. one of the few who i actually liked. but he ends up asking to meet me. i tell him with time. and hes like. he has to have sex. and i am tell him that he is a pig. then he tells me to fuck off and leaves. and i am left sitting on the chair thinking. what an asshole. well that is past me. i wont think about that again.

another thing that nearly scared me to death yesterday. while i was writing my previous post. my sister sortof crept up on me. she is very young and probably didnt read anything. she just wanted to scare me. and WHOA she did that. my family doesnt know i am gay. well they would have found out if she read the post. well thank god she didnt. i am going to be more careful from now on.

also there is suddenly this pressure on me for getting married and settling down. i dont know what to do. completely stuck. well ill keep you guys posted about how it works out. what excuses i use to keep my marriage away. and what not. i hate this. why cant people just be allowed to be gay if they are gay. why does society have to put so many limitations on us.

bye yall

Friends

hi yall

i dont know why i do this. i dont know why i am so mean and insensitive. well i have a friend. he is a really nice guy. we dont agree on things. our views are very very different. he isnt that tolerant. he doesnt think well of people who have different views. if someone disagrees with him then that person is wrong and illiterate and uneducated and not capable of talking to.

well i liked him a lot. so i put up with it. never disagreed with him. never talked a lot with him. with him i just talked about sex and other things. by the way he doesnt know i am gay. well we got to be real good friends. i really like him. but he is a stubborn ass. basically. but still a good friend. well he used to think the same way. then one day we were talking about something. and i disagreed with his opinion. very stupid thing. about the status and position of military in pakistan. well we had a long discussion. got heated. only him. i was very calm. but after that things went down.

i never did anything to aggravate him after that. but i think that one discussion was enough for him. he pegged me as someone who doesnt belong with him. well that was that. we got busy. then i mailed him about the WMD thing on google. he mailed back and called me a bigot and other such names. i mailed him and told him he is an idiot. he mailed back within 5 mins and said a lot of things that he shouldnt have. i called him up and told him exactly what i thought he was and where he could go. things got ugly. he didnt say a word. he just put down the phone.

i only wish he would have said something then put down the phone. now he isnt talking to me. not returning my calls and stuff. not replying to my emails. this sux. good i hate doing this. i hate it when i push people over the edge. i tend to do this often. give my opinion and push someone over the edge. i hate it. well i have done it again. i will keep you posted on what happens between and F.R.

bye yall

Friends

hi yall

i dont know why i do this. i dont know why i am so mean and insensitive. well i have a friend. he is a really nice guy. we dont agree on things. our views are very very different. he isnt that tolerant. he doesnt think well of people who have different views. if someone disagrees with him then that person is wrong and illiterate and uneducated and not capable of talking to.

well i liked him a lot. so i put up with it. never disagreed with him. never talked a lot with him. with him i just talked about sex and other things. by the way he doesnt know i am gay. well we got to be real good friends. i really like him. but he is a stubborn ass. basically. but still a good friend. well he used to think the same way. then one day we were talking about something. and i disagreed with his opinion. very stupid thing. about the status and position of military in pakistan. well we had a long discussion. got heated. only him. i was very calm. but after that things went down.

i never did anything to aggravate him after that. but i think that one discussion was enough for him. he pegged me as someone who doesnt belong with him. well that was that. we got busy. then i mailed him about the WMD thing on google. he mailed back and called me a bigot and other such names. i mailed him and told him he is an idiot. he mailed back within 5 mins and said a lot of things that he shouldnt have. i called him up and told him exactly what i thought he was and where he could go. things got ugly. he didnt say a word. he just put down the phone.

i only wish he would have said something then put down the phone. now he isnt talking to me. not returning my calls and stuff. not replying to my emails. this sux. good i hate doing this. i hate it when i push people over the edge. i tend to do this often. give my opinion and push someone over the edge. i hate it.

bye yall

Age Difference

hi yall

if there are 10 people in a house then you should think that you should not get bored. but it isnt so. well here i am all alone. sitting on the net writing this. there are 9 people in the next room. well ok. they are either too old or too young. so i cant talk to any of em for long. this is what happens when there is an age difference. at times you really like someone but you cannot spend time with em. coz youd just sit together and be quiet for uncomfortably long intervals of time.

if you sit with the grown up. the moms and dads capacity. the 35- 50 years capcity. they tallk about things very different. you can sit with em. you can talk to em. half an hour. hour tops. then you run out of interest. they like talking to each other coz of the similar age things. but not with me. come on a man will get bored when people are discussing whether it is called a bowl or a terrine. you get what i mean. then you walk over to the youngsters. they are talking about stupid things. i mean really stupid. why is water transparent. now come on. in my ouwn thinkign i can think of many philosphical things. but with time. it wears out. you want to run.

RUN ! RUN ! RUN !

so now you should spend enough time with em that you can enjoy. try to stretch it a bit but not after that. then jsut leave for a while. tell em you need to do something. go out. take a fresh breath. write a blog. and then go back. which reminds me i should start to head back now. see ya all later ;)

bye yall

The Neighbour

hi yall

well we all have a sexy handsome cute guy in our neighbourhood. we know that he is str8. but we still like him quite a bit. sometimes we even think about him and us. well that has happened to me as well.

i went over to his house to just hang out. by the way he is a friend as well. when he opened the door he was in jeans. no shirt. some sortof cleansing creme or something on his face. which is very awkwards. because men in pakistan do not use beauty products. but well like i said. nice sight. well built body. better than i imagined.

two days in a row. this seems like i am on a roll. meeting or seeing someone sexy every day. now this is the kinda time that i like to spend.

saw this new program. malcolm in the middle. laughed like hell. it is actually a very nice comedy program. shows you how life would be with lots of children in a middle class family. also it is very well written and acted out. so it is really really funny. well i got to go now. ill keep you guys updated about what is going on.

bye yall

TV

hi yall

well life is going wonderfully. no power cuts last night. the weather is fine. the stock exchange is booming. things are all rosy and beautiful. it turns out i am having a nice day after all.

on top of all that i saw the most handsome guy in the bathroom yesterday. yep. i went out to eat and then decided i needed to go to the mens room. turns out i wasnt alone. there was someone else there also waiting. WOW. well i usually rate guys 0-10. he was 8. which means he would be amongst something like 1%of humanity. we had to wait for something close to 5 mins. i think it was a gift from god. after all the crappy days that i went through and the fact that i didnt get to meet anyone like that for some time now.

i had the strangest dream last night. about a noise and how it kept coming and going. very very creepy. thank god i dont live alone or id freak out. usually dreams are very different from real life. when you do have a nightmare boy are you in hell. i remember waking up from nightmares. all sweaty and at times even shivering. i dont usually have nightmares. just one in 6-8 months. but boy is that bad. sometimes i wake up startled. well the bad thing about nightmares is that it is not real life so you cannot reason. you cannot wake up and you cannot understand or do a lot of things. it is like someone else is in control. well thats about it on nightmares from my side. ill tell you guys if i do have another one.

well i met someone online. another blogger. loved the blog. added a link to it.

also i am learning this new game or blogging and how to change your template. and by the way i am also learning HTML and how to work with it. i hope in a little time i will be able to make a proper blog. with all the things. well till then youll just have to bear with me.

bye yall

Wednesday -- 08 Jamadi ul Awwal 1424 -- 19 Asadh 1925 -- 09 July 2003

shockingly a reasonable day. nice day. slept like a hog. no power breakdown. no loss of sleep. and then when i woke up to this wonderful song by stevie wonder ... i just called to say i love you ... well it really makes a difference what you wake up to. can change your whole day.

i remember one morning in my cubicle while i was living on campus. it was a weekend. i woke up to this song. gnr i think something about not having no guns or something. i am sorry i just forgot what it was. but that experience of waking upto a song. after a full nights sleep. wonderful music. slowly filling up your mind. it was wonderful.

it is so interesting to see the internet in action. millions of humans connected to each other. soon i will be able to say billions of people connected to each other. sharing thought emotions happenings and what not. and so many thoughts being put online. in an ever increasing log of human thought.

this is the true place of independent thinking and freedom of speech. it is the place where we can be what we are. good or bad. this is what it is. if you dont like someone. dont read what they type. you can be safe with your thoughts. this is what fascinates me about the net. being a gay pakistani this is the only forum where i can say openly that i am what i am.

تزک جلالی

Useless Blog

Dreaming about Strangers

Futile Search

Friends

Friends

Age Difference

The Neighbour

TV

Jalaluddin