تزک جلالی

Same old fucked up story

Well yesterday I was going into the I_want_to_be_in_love_with_mr_right phase. Then family life happened.

I hate it.

Now I am in the I_hate_my_life phase.

Its ok ... it will blow away in a week when normal posting will resume.

This is going to get ugly. So if you already know my pissant excuses to be miserable dont read ahead. Also I just scrolled up and it is ugly. I would request you not to read ahead. It is more of a note to myself.

Well I hate myself. I am having a bad day. It is horrible. I DO NOT get along with my mom. Yes there are times when we talk and laugh together. But that is not enough. I HATE this ok. And well I hate this.

I cannot move out of my house. Because 1- My mom will be very hurt. 2- My dad will blame my mom which will cause pain to both of them. 3- I will blame myself for failing to live a normal life with my parents. Now they are all very important. So basically if I do leave and get a place my own my life will be miserable. Like it is now.

Wow. Generally people have a way out. I DONT. ITS JUST MY FUCKING LUCK that I always getting a fucking choice. Oh and the choice is ... Pain .... Pain or MORE fucking pain. And I have to choose. It is like someone asking me .... Hey MrJalal you want you right hand to be chopped off or your left. Well I dont fucking want either of the two choices.

Then suddenly pops up a third. I go out jump into a lake or something or come under a Bus. Ending it all. OH OH BUT OH!!! Sorry you cant FUCKING do that. Because Allah put me in pain by making me a fucking faggot. Now he wants to hurt me and enjoy himself. So I cant kill myself. Because hurting other people around me in such a way is not fair in my opinion.

See how loving and caring I am.

Oh and yes. When I am VERY upset and I try to talk to people. They say that I am just joking and being a bitch. They ignore me. So I cant talk to anyone.

So what does this post tell you.

1- Jalal is unstable and should be left alone.
2- He cannot commit suicide coz Allah made him a faggot and wants him to be in pain.
3- He hates living with his family but has to.

Now if any of you have any interest in me for a future boy friend I am sure I have cleared any apprehensions.

Oh and yes. I remember what bought this on. I had a small verbal fight with my mom. And she said something about taking care of me and me not being fair to her. And what did I say. WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY !!! I said ... I didnt ask you to take care of me. Why didnt you just strangle me when I was young so I didnt have to live through this. Wow Jalal ... you are so cool ... I want you!

And since then I cannot tell you the expression on her face since then. I hurt her. I hurt her so bad. I cannot stand it. I do not want to hurt anyone. But I hurt her so badly. Her face is like someone just took away all her happiness and supplanted it with suffering.

Dear Allah. I am the one who is not upto your standards of a fucking conformist muslim idiot. Why are you hurting my parents. It is coz you dont know how much people can love each other ? Is it because of that ? Why did you create me ? Why ? So you can hurt my parents through me and see me miserable due to that ? I have to say. Nice Job. You rule.

Fuck. I am VERY into the bad phase.

posted by Jalal @ 18:11