تزک جلالی

The Runaway ... Part 9

My mother knows I am gay. Which is hoorrible. Because Pakistanis in that generation can not be open to the idea. They cannot be ready to accept or live with that. Because they never saw it. So they dont accept it at all. Well I am an only son which is a very very lucrative position on society. So it gets worse. I am an only son and I am gay. I havve no idea how she is dealing with this.

I dont want to hurt my parents. But they will be. They will be hurt that her only son is gay. I am sure that when I was born and maybe even before that they would have thought about me. Fantasized about the life of their son. They would have thought of my family and my wife and how they will get along perfectly with her. How they will have grandchildren. How I will have a perfect life. They would have fantasized and thought about this so so much. The family and its progress. But well I cannot do that. They will be shattered. I dont know how I will ever tell them that their can not come true. That they will have to see thier lives turn into futile exercises.

My father and my mother. They are both reasonably religious and I dont have any idea how they will take it. How they will feel. What they will think. I cannot tell anyone else. As my abnormality will cause the family honour to be wiped out. The 'izzat' or honour of my 'khaandan' or family will be finished. Noone will marry my sisters. Noone will respect my father or mother. Something they deserve because of their honest lives and their hard work on raising their cildren. This will be a devastating blow to my parents. It is well understood that honour and dignity are more important than everything. Death with honour is preferred without question to life without it. I have idea how I will pull my family into this.

posted by Jalal @ 03:08