تزک جلالی

DAMN IT!

horrible day today. had THE talk with my mom.

well she just told me to get of pc. when i started to whine she said NO come here now. so i went to talk to her.
she started with a why am i involved with such people. i had no idea what she was talking about. she told me that such people are there to destroy me. they are not my well wishers. they want to pull me onto a wrong path because i am a succesful person. i still didnt know what she was talking about. she kept going on and on about how people are trapped by such people and how they make sure to destroy succesful men. there was a deep deep sinking feeling inside me. i knew what was coming. then she told me i am an intelligent person no need to fall in traps. i still said i dont know what she is talking about. she said she saw me on the computer and she knows. i said know what. very very big sinking feeling. she said she knew i was being trapped by gay men and that i should stop doing this. i was like. no ammi there is nothing like that you must be mistaken. but no. she knew. she knows. she was extremely ill yesterday and today. i suspect only because of this. i dont know what to do. she knows.

i am a source of pain to my parents. nothing can be worse. in our culture in our society in our lives nothing can be worse than a child who is a cause of pain to his parents. i am a complete failure in life. a complete failure. i hurt my parents. i hurt my siblings. i hurt my family, my friends. everyone. i dont know what to do. i dont know. i am 23 now. and i have not done anything but hurt my parents. i dont know what to do. this is hurting me like hell.

i can only do one thing but pray. i will pray to allah that every man born gay in pakistan or who will become gay due to any reason should die at birth. no need to live like this. sometimes death is better than life. this is one of those times.

wish me luck. i am going to leave home and live away from my family. just anything that i can do to stop hurting them.

posted by Jalal @ 13:50