Tuzk e Jalali

2007-05-13T01:17:00.000+05:00

I have shifted to wordpress.

Visit me here, and please update your links.

2007-05-12T15:41:00.000+05:00

For the sake of this city and it's citizens, I think it would be prudent for people to shift away from the blame game. The firing of even one bullet is a collective failure of the Political Parties, Political Activists, Intelligentsia, Thinkers, and all citizens of this city. Noone is to blame, but we all are.

It is the failure of us as a collective that we are not able to develop a political system clean of violence. It is our fault and our fault only. We will praise every nation we go to. But we will not adapt anything good. What better is there in the world than the place one calls home.

The CJ should return to Islamabad, his staying here will not change the status quo, but his going back might. It is a small chance, but when you are losing lives in an absolute anarchy situation you have to take chances.

In my capacity as a citizen of this city, which might not amount to much in anyone's eyes, but at the end of the day I as a citizen am all there is to things, I would request the CJ to return to Islamabad. It is a difficult decision since I have supported the CJ since Day 1. But if there is one iota of a chance of improving the situation it is this. And we must take it.

2007-05-12T15:27:00.000+05:00

So much bloodshed. So much destruction. This vile lust for power and seats and glory. And what of the masses huddled in front of their televisions looking with horror at what we have become.

What of us? What of me? What of my friend Imran sitting in his balcony trying to catch of glimpse of his brother coming home? What of my colleage Ahmed whoes uncle was going for the rally? What of my friend Amina who lives in an apartment overlooking the carnage?

This is not Beirut. This is not Calcutta. This is not Bohemia. This is Karachi.

What have we become.

2007-05-12T04:45:00.000+05:00

Friday - 23 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 21 Vaisakh 1929 - 11 May 2007

Have just come back from a very long drive through a very large portion of the city. Shahra e Faisal is closed at Tipu Sultan. Security personnel are visible. The city is uncharacteristically calm. The throughfares are solitary. Like the sudden calm during the deep breath before the plunge. But, a plunge into what? Tomorrow is a day when to quite an extent the future of our country will be decided. On the streets. For better or worse. And, for all we know, we don't know anything. Anything can happen. Anything may happen. It will effect us all. But, we do not know it at all.

It is like a building crashing overhead. It might crash on us, or it might now. The stakes are very high. The absolute lack of clarity or control very complete. Utter and absolute sense of impotence.

Waiting with baited breath as the future of my nation unfolds. Before my very eyes with me as a completely powerless bystander.

Tomorrow will tell.

2007-05-10T23:27:00.000+05:00

Wednesday - 21 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 19 Vaisakh 1929 - 09 May 2007

It would seem that Jasmine Revolution will be hitting Karachi on Saturday. It was going to be different, but like all things in this great psychologically imbalanced city of Karachi it is not.

There are massive rallies and peaceful demonstrations planned both by the combined opposition parties who are supporting the visiting Chief Justice in his stand against the government and by the Muttahida Qaumi Movement. Though there is no apparent reason for problems but, be prepared.

As per the training in near anarchical situations that seem to be the norm in all large cities infested by humans. We all wait with baited breath.

2007-05-09T00:59:00.000+05:00

Tuesday - 20 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 18 Vaisakh 1929 - 08 May 2007

Ok. Ok. I know, it is wrong, and evil, and sinful, and completely despicable. And I know what all of you will say. No, you should think about these things. Remember last time. Please don't forget how it effected your life. It nearly ruined your career. It destroyed your social life and our friendship was under strain because of your antics. And that I am the only son and I should be more involved in family and not spend all day long sitting in the window seat reading Hardy.

But, I dont care, it is not your decision, it is mine. And, I am not afraid to say it out loud, I will say it, and I will scream it from the top of very tall buildings where noone else can hear me.

I am in lust!

It is this cleaning guy; I swear I can not keep my eyes away from his face. I have just seem him today and yesterday. But, with the amount of staring that I have done and the fact that he actually looks at me now because he knows that I will be staring at him makes it better.

Wicked office lust politics. Jalal is learning so much.

2007-05-06T21:09:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 18 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 16 Vaisakh 1929 - 06 May 2007

Ladies and Gentlement, Pakistan's coming of age party in full swing;

The Jasmine Revolution.

2007-05-06T01:14:00.000+05:00

Saturday - 17 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 15 Vaisakh 1929 - 05 May 2007

It seems that Pakistan is in the midst of a revolution of sorts.

The Jasmine Revolution.

Non violent defiance of unconstitutional means. Slow and steady with the support of the general public. Apparently directed against known figures. But in reality, symbolizing the fact that we have indeed reached critical mass. Enough educated and self aware Pakistanis to finally raise their voice against what is wrong. By the volume of people present, it is clear that this process will not stop.

We have finally learnt how to demand and then to win through non violent means what is our right. The sky is the only limit.

I am happy; and hopeful.

2007-05-03T22:12:00.000+05:00

Thursday - 15 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 13 Vaisakh 1929 - 03 May 2007

Well, if only I had the ability to take amazing pictures and some sort of an electronic device that allowed me to take as many pictures as I want. And another device that records everything I see in exactly the same way as I see it. Would love to relive things that I have done.

And, in addition to that, if I can also have the ability to eat and drink as much as I want and not exercise and still be absolutely delectable, fresh and strong.

So many things, so few mercies. What is man to do?

I seem to be going insane.

2007-05-03T00:21:00.000+05:00

Wednesday - 14 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 12 Vaisakh 1929 - 02 May 2007

Ahhhhh. I love beauty. I just love it so very much that I can not for the love of God describe it in words. I am sure you all concur. But, wow!

It has come to my notice that a large number of people are trying very hard to destroy my impeccable reputation. I have seen comments, where people want to ask me how 'I would have spanked myself with leather tongs after pouring yougurt on myself' and other such statements that make the minds of my readers wander to a very unknown land where Jalal can not be what Jalal is!

Shame on you evil mongers for the light from the burning Sun shall shine through the thick clouds of lies and deceit and illuminate my yogurt drenched form using a leather tong with dexterity.

2007-05-01T20:07:00.000+05:00

Tuesday - 13 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 11 Vaisakh 1929 - 01 May 2007

I hate going to work on mass public holidays. It is even worse when mine is the only department completely at work while the rest of the building contains less than 10 Kgs of living matter. And in this I am including the Chicken Sandwiches that we ate. I could have sworn that the muscles were still contracting as we ate them. Brings new meaning to the term fresh food.

And since we are on the topic of things that I hate, I hate driving to work and crossing only 4 cars where I have to travel for one hour through rush hour traffic every day. And I hate imbecilic motorcyclists who think that simply because the road is quite empty at 9 in the morning they can simply drive on all of the road rather than their own little bit of it. And yes, the bluberry topping on an absolutely amazing piece of cheesecake, I hate getting up at 8:15 in the morning on the 1st of frikking May 2007 to go to my vampiric office just so that my manager can show off to his boss's boss's boss that he is capable of running a team.

I hate stupid people. I hate deceitful people. I hate managers. I hate stupid, deceitful managers. Hence, the most natural post industrial state of the human being. Hating one's manager. That is where I am. Dont judge me because I know you are the same. The very very same. Or you are sleeping with you manager. Shame on you! How dare you destroy such a pure and noble relationship built on hatred, mistrust and revulsion by adding sex to it. You sicken me! Now go back to eating your Yogurt before I start to spank you with my leather tongs after pouring all that Yogurt on you!

2007-04-28T15:13:00.000+05:00

Saturday - 10 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 08 Vaisakh 1929 - 28 April 2007

There are great cooks; there are good cooks; and there are terrible cooks. Apart from being the starting lines of the 1,400 page rollercoaster of a novel on the saucy life of a homosexual cook in an upper class Pakistani house with a general penchant for sex and immorality dealing with the social, cultural and religious undercurrents of Pakistani society this will also the starting line of today's post.

I found out today that I am a bad cook. So if I had a gun to my head and had to cook eggs or something easier, I would end up being dead! Rather than being able to dish up a palatable dish. I sure hope my wife is a good cook. Or I will be destined to a life of eating out at expensive restaurants and growing fat faster than a speeding bullet.

2007-04-26T19:41:00.000+05:00

Thursday - 08 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 06 Vaisakh 1929 - 26 April 2007

Quote of the day, courtesy St. Jalaluddin the lunatic (can also be read as Maulana Jalaluddin the Lunatic, Swami Jalaluddin the Lunatic or Kahn Jalaluddin the Lunatic).

General - Man is a social animal.

Correct - Man is a sexual animal.

2007-04-25T17:30:00.000+05:00

Wednesday - 07 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 05 Vaisakh 1929 - 25 April 2007

Well! If there is anything I really like about work, it is the all day training sessions that come few and far between like smiling managers and overly motivated employees. You get to meet a bit too diverse a group of people all trying to enjoy their first and last escape from the clutches of their manager.

And, training means getting off from work at 5 at opposed to the usual 12. So, one gets to have a life. You can go out, have coffee with friends, who, one has to admit, like discussing the strangest of things. What kind of women men are attracted to? What are your worst fears? Who did what at work? I am sorry, I am gay and would to sleep with Colin Farrell but discussing such personal emotional stuff makes me feel uncomfortable and edgy. I mean, what the fuck, I will talk about feelings and emotions if I grow a vagina, but since I am a man, I would rather talk about guns, killing wild animals and fighter jet planes.

Hmmmmmmmm. My brain seems to have been seriously damaged over the past couple of months. Mental Balm anyone?

2007-04-24T01:51:00.000+05:00

Monday - 05 Rabi us Sani 1428 - 03 Vaisakh 1929 - 23 April 2007

With the fear of sounding overly repetitive, it has been some time. I would ascribe my absolute lack of linguistic and mental abilities to my vampiric capitalistic complete devoid of sensient brain cell organization. But then again, who can really say who is to blame generally.

So, recently I was supposed to move to another department. I was hoping it would be the one with the hot manager, with whome I had planned to have wild animal sex on the office desk and then fall to the cold marble floor during the dangerous and rather illegal liaison and not even notice. But it turns out that my passionate tasting of the forbidden fruit was not to be for I was shifted to another department with a rather brainless sub human evil imbecile as a boss who I am sure would not be able to get an erection without dedicated help from at least four of his team members because it just was so complicated.

Please dont get me wrong. I like evil men. I love evil men. Especially Satan. I am sure sex with him would be torrid, for want of a more intense word. But then again I am expecting Satan to have a smashing sense of humour, like all villains in cheap hollywood movies.

Apart of my sojourn in the dark malicious corridors of Vampire Inc life is basically good. I have had to come to out to my older sisters. Who have taken it as an aberration and have promptly asked me to pray regularly and only then will I become normal and this anomaly will be removed as it has to be the work of the devil. Of course gay sex is wrong. But then again they havent seen Pavel Novotny. How can someone so muscular and extremely sexable (on a scale of 1 - 37 : 35) be wrong. Doh! Of course being gay is ok. If only Colin Farrell was gay, I would absolve myself completely. All said and done, I am supposed to find a good girl very very soon and get married.

And, my mother has been working to this effect. I have laid down two conditions for the girl, a - she needs to be intelligent, and b - she needs to be a good house keeper, food and the works. So I am quite assured that since they will never find a woman with both of these abilities I wont get married in the next 673 years, the time it takes for a woman like that to be born out of a society much much much more mature than ours. And, if there was one like that then the rest of the women in Pakistan would make he life hell and wont accept it. So I am clear all over.

Which reminds me that the sultry, humid, windy Karachi summers are here. And along with the humidity, temprature, flies, and power breakdowns / blackouts my libido has gone through the roof. I have finally turned into a sexually deprived maniac hunting for sex like a famished Lion hunts amongst the Zebras.

I done know if you have noticed but I seem to have used animal and nature related words a lot. Thats it, no more watching Animal Planet in the hope of watching Dolphins have sex and actually trying to learn something and implement it in real life. Perverted!

Oh, and in case you didnt like this entry. I wrote a five pager at the end of which my frikking Netscape crashed. I knew technology was out to get me. But I fooled it.

2007-02-18T23:35:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 29 Muharram 1428 - 29 Maagh 1928 - 18 February 2006

It has been some time.

But then again. What is work for. All 80 work hours per week of it. And how interesting that once you start to get overworked your boss gives you a lot of space in what you are allowed to say.

But then again low quality managers, fast reducing overly weighty women and stupid tea boys aside. Work can be interesting experience. One does learn. And I am trying to give the concept of work a lot of the benefit of doubt here.

You learn that one must know about Cricket and Cars because invariably most conversations do end up suddenly within the bounds of these two topics. Topics I would rather not discuss given my complete lack of interest in both of them.

One can see by the condition of my car.

At times I don’t even lock my car. It still hast been stolen. Maybe that is due to the process one needs to follow to be able to open my car and start it.

Oh well. Another week beckons.

2006-12-13T00:44:00.000+05:00

Wednesday - 21 Ziqaad 1427 - 22 Agrahayana 1928 - 13 December 2006

Tonight I went to the Karachi Film Festival. For the first time.

Good movie. Good ambiance. Good experience overall.

And, additionally so much eye candy that I had a seizure / fit and fell to the ground amidst convulsions with spit drooling out of my mouth.

I mean the percentage of delectable guys was definitely more than 33%.

Like I said, seizure / fit. And that has never happened to me before. And we are talking about me here.

2006-12-06T00:36:00.000+05:00

Wednesday - 14 Ziqaad 1427 - 15 Agrahayana 1928 - 06 December 2006

So, I talked to Intellectual Intercourse Guy (IIG) today. Seems like an interesting human being.

Just not all that into sex.

Which reminds me of the wonderful Yuan Tung Special Hot and Sour soup I had today. And the horrible Fried Squid. So, if anyone tries out Yuan Tung they should order the Yuan Tung Special Hot and Sour soup and definitely steer clear of the fried Squid.

I hate squid now. Earlier on I thought it was an intelligent and beautiful creature, then it became a tasty and stupid creature, now it is just a tasteless and stupid creature.

I have over thinking.

2006-12-05T00:35:00.000+05:00

Tuesday - 13 Ziqaad 1427 - 14 Agrahayana 1928 - 05 December 2006

Oh, and yes, I have learnt that I learn. I have also learnt that I am fat, ugly, disgusting, hairy and look about fifteen years older than I actually am.

Hence, I will start to exercise, eat properly, and pay attention to how I look from now onwards.

And, get a frikking hair cut and trim my fucking goatee to make me look less like Ho Chi Minh and more like a horny sex deprived maniac capable of taking you to heaven and back in 10 minutes.

Hmmmm, this blog is turning from my usual anti religious ravings into my usual sex deprived ravings.

Fuck it. All I wanna say is, wonderful weather, Pink Floyd rocks. The Invisible Pink Unicorm is beautiful, pink and invisible at the same time. And, Faiz can still make me melt over Nuskha ha e Wafa like it used to be four years from now in a far away part of the world.

2006-12-04T20:12:00.000+05:00

Monday - 12 Ziqaad 1427 - 13 Agrahayana 1928 - 04 December 2006

Completely, absolutely, unequivocally amazing weather. Cloudy, windy, chilly, drizzly, and of course highly stimulating. I have not seen such amazing weather in Karachi during the past three years that I have been here. Of course with good weather always come memories of older times and a nostalgia that can only be covered up with long calls to college friends.

Wonderful day, wonderful weather. Though the water and all made life at Chundrigar an abso fucking lute bitch. And I mean super bitch with large nipples made of glowing hot copper that are then poked into your butts until you promise to behave and call her Judy Daddy for the rest of the evening.

That is obviously a story for another post. Till then bye and enjoy the amazing weather.

2006-12-02T01:11:00.000+05:00

Friday - 09 Ziqaad 1427 - 10 Agrahayana 1928 - 01 December 2006

Wow. Karachi finally seems to be getting what might be called the most slight hint of a winter. At last. And like the piece of straw one grabs it while sinking I am absolutely loving this weather.

In addition I have learnt that tea goes excellently with a smoke if you are standing on top of your office building and seeing the world go by underneath that strangely cracked ledge where I stand and feel like I am going to fall and die any day now and upon realizing this promised myself to stop doing this from now on. Yes, I realized, horrifyingly long sentences. I can remember my English teacher tell me - Jalal, a comma is used when you need a small breath, a full stop when you need a long breath, remember that.

If only he were to see this he would tear his hair out and feel sorry for me and for not being able to teach proper Enlish to Pakistani students and hence failing in the greatest quest for human development since Faiz Ahmed Faiz decided to improve the status and state of humanity is this startlingly insane part of the world we call Pakistan.

Another long sentence. I can feel the cane coming smashing down on my desk and the statement " Yes, you can go to have a drink of water, but you may not." or "Hoome, Hoome, not Hoo."

It is only because of him and our completely psychotically obsessively insane Urdu teacher that I can actually say that I can speak both English and Urdu to quite a corrent extent.

Oh, and yes, Pakistanis who can not speak both languages properly, and who seem to have had a reasonable education, are judged by me. I judge them, and I will continue to, I dont care what you think, I wil judge them, I will kick them, I might sleep with them, but I will judge them.

Now go to sleep and stop bugging me about how you think things should be. I have already declared how I want them to be and that is how things stand.

Oh and yes, my friend AA is a stupid fat pig; and MT is a stupid fat pink pig; and HH is a stupid fat pink ugly pig!

2006-12-01T00:34:00.000+05:00

Thursday - 08 Ziqaad 1427 - 09 Agrahayana 1928 - 30 November 2006

As per past experience it would be very safe to asume and declare that I still like to go down.

A lot.

At times the recipient actually thinks that he is getting the better end of the deal.

But ..., uh ..., doh! You are not, I am!

2006-11-27T18:23:00.000+05:00

Monday - 05 Ziqaad 1427 - 06 Agrahayana 1928 - 27 November 2006

So, another Monday, another week. I am sure that in ancient Babylonian mythology the God of Mondays was also the God of Hell. Or the other way around, your choice. And it is solely because of Him that we have to deal with bad Mondays at work where your energy is at rock bottom but you still have to smile and work with humans. As you might have noticed, despite me excessively irritating sunny disposition I am not a complete fan of Mondays.

But today was different, there was a training session with about 20 odd people. And it was for half the day. And then they told us that we have to take the second half off. I loved the trainer woman. Unlike most women she had a clue about life, the universe and everything.

I learnt that listening is more important than speaking in team environments; expect commitment as a result of empathy; and dont do to your staff what you would not have your manager do for you. Yeah right. As if anyone ever did this. But it sounded like good advice.

By the way, I share the global belief of hatred towards one's manager and the higher management. Still, one day I get to become one. Beliefs and hypocrisy, such a common mixture.

Oh, and yes, I learnt another thing during training. I wanted to walk up to this exceptionally hot guy sitting on the other table; breath lightly on his neck, and then nibble it lightly. When I did that I learnt that such behaviour is not acceptable in our organization and they have given me a letter or warning that any further public displays of sexual activity will be met with immediate firing. The guy didnt like it either. He waited outside for me but I took the back door.

I am kidding, none of this happened. Just that I wanted to do the breath and nibble bit. Perverts.

2006-11-26T20:25:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 04 Ziqaad 1427 - 05 Agrahayana 1928 - 26 November 2006

A bit of this. A bit of that. A horriyingly fucked up keyboard and mouse. It is very hard to type.

Oh, and yes, I lost my cell phone. Again.

And a bit of money.

And my security card.

And my national identity card.

And my wallet; actually.

But it did not involve violence.

Just extreme sheer stupidity on my part.

2006-11-24T22:31:00.000+05:00

Friday - 02 Ziqaad 1427 - 03 Agrahayana 1928 - 24 November 2006

Strangely Sexy Male Attendant Giving Out Stored Effects (SSMAGOSE) - Danger Power's personal effects.
Austin Powers (AP) - Actually my name is Austin Powers.
SSMAGOSE - Says here your name Danger Powers.
AP - No no no no no. Danger is my middle name.
SSMAGOSE - Ok, Austin Danger Powers, one blue crushed velvet suit.
AP - Oh, yes. All right.
SSMAGOSE - One frilly lace Cravatte.
AP - There it is!
SSMAGOSE - One silver medallion with 'male' symbol. One pair of Italian boots.
AP - Bonjourno boys.
SSMAGOSE - One vinyl record album. Burt Bacharach plays his hits.
AP - Oh yes
SSMAGOSE - One Swedish made penis enlarger pump.
AP - That's not mine.
SSMAGOSE - One credit card receipt for Swedish made Penis enlarger; signed by Austin Powers.
AP - I'm telling you baybee, thats not mine.
SSMAGOSE - One warranty card for Swedish made penis enlarger pump, filled out by, Austin Powers.
AP - I dont even know what this is, this sort of thing aint my bag baybee.
SSMAGOSE - One book, 'Swedish-made penis enlarger pumps and me: (This sort of thing is my bad, Baby)" by Austin Powers.
AP - Ah!
SSMAGOSE - Just sign the form.
AP - Ok, ok, ill sign it, just to get things moving, you know.

Ohk, so, is it more geeky that I know this exists, or that I actually remembered these lines.

Oh behave!

Good God!

Growl!

2006-11-22T00:25:00.000+05:00

Tuesday - 28 Shawwal 1427 - 30 Kartika 1928 - 21 November 2006

If you tickle me do I not laugh? If you burn me do I not singe?

If you kick me do I not call you names behind your back and try to hurt you in inconspicuous ways?

If you prick me do I not think about poking large red hot iron rods through your eye sockets?

Too much Shakespearean dialogue destruction for one post.

And in other news, I have actually started to become dull. I dont make good jokes. Or get naked on the table to entertain my friends.

I need to start drinking before parties!

2006-11-21T00:51:00.000+05:00

Monday - 27 Shawwal 1427 - 29 Kartika 1928 - 20 November 2006

Completely opposed to the evil rumours being spread by some people I know I am not completely sex deprived.

I am also sleep deprived, money deprived, and intellection stimulation deprived. If there was a city called Deprived, I would be one of the lesser gentry living on the major throughfare with a huge window overlooking the road. And of course, I would enjoy evening tea while watching the world go by. And ogling travellers while I ate overly marmaladed pieces of bread.

Innuendo you say! I scream back at you!!!

Insanity you say! I scream back at you!!!

And with this sudden psychotic outburst I shall bid my leave.

2006-11-19T23:33:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 26 Shawwal 1427 - 28 Kartika 1928 - 19 November 2006

For some reason father have a whole family oriented side to them. They like to spend time with family as it was done three decades ago.

Going to the mall.

And it becomes a complete bitch explaining to people you know and meet there what you are doing in a mall with your family late on a Saturday night.

Bitch. Complete and absolute bitch reminiscent of giant dogs from the late pleistocene era.

But, in all seriousness, buying things does feel good. Especially if one is around some bald headed one day stubble tight clothing wearing guy who would look good on top of the stack of cans.

2006-11-18T16:46:00.001+05:00

Saturday - 25 Shawwal 1427 - 27 Kartika 1928 - 18 November 2006

For some reason, completely unknown to me, I came across this. Though I will not toot my own horn, or blow my own trumpet, or other terms with delectable dual meanings, I will say that reading this actually made my happy and brought back memories of an experience. The exact reason for my starting this blog.

Apart from this the fact that I am a super sexed up horny slut that needs to get the attention of men who are then to be conveniently converted into bed breaking screaming animals is always to be considered a reasonable rationale behind this blog. But, there were times when I actually thought that the concept of the blog could be to actually get opinions from people on the other sides of the screen.

So, here goes, there is a guy who works for me. Does not have a working brain, even has strong religious beliefs and conceptions of right and wrong. Has a completely amazing body and wears nice and tight clothing to work to make the experiece all the more intereting for me. Try to wake up one hour early on a Monday just to see someone put on their tight dark blue pants and prance about the office and you will know what I mean.

So the question is this. Do I sleep with him against all the norms of my rules about having animal sex with my office colleagues. Or do I not sleep with him and sleep with this other guy in another department on another floor where there is an outside chance that I might actually get some office big wooden table sex experience?

Decisions decisions!

And, on a completely unrelated note. I have fixed up my room and now it is a complete sex magnet.

In case you noticed, yes, my life does revolve around sex, so go fuck yourself, or better yet, contact me!

2006-11-03T00:21:00.000+05:00

Friday - 06 Shawwal 1427 - 12 Kartika 1928 - 03 November 2006

AAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAA.

I have completely lost it. I am no longer a completely uncontrollable extremely intensely workaholic.

AAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAA.

2006-11-02T00:29:00.000+05:00

Thursday - 05 Shawwal 1427 - 11 Kartika 1928 - 02 November 2006

So, life has suddenly taken a good turn. Things are good and things are bad. I am horny and my life is isolated. I dont even know where the fuck to cruise any more.

The breakneck pace of work for the past two years has fucked things up.

Now, all I need to do is to take of my pants and go lie down in the middle of Zamzama, there are always cute guys there.

Look at what has become of me!!!

It is pathetic!

2006-10-15T21:44:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 21 Ramazan 1427 -- 23 Asvina 1928 -- 15 October 2006

And it would seem that the ban on Blogspot has been removed.

Hurrah to Sanity!

2006-09-05T07:59:00.000+05:00

Tuesday -- 11 Shaaban 1427 -- 14 Bhadon 1928 -- 05 September 2006

There are two kinds of people. One, who wake up early in the morning with a fire in their hearts and a bounce to their steps. They are ready for the new day and burst upon it. Two, who wake up early in the morning with a fire in their eyes and a feeling of severe lethargy. They will be ready for the new day about noon.

I am neither of these. I have my days. Today is the lethargy day. You have no idea how hard I am staring at the screen. Also, due a slight personal disagreement with my soap stick I just smashed it into the wall and then stamped on it till it broke. Anger? Well, I dont know, it is an emotion very uncommon for me. But then again, it is very delectable.

So, I head out to work today in a very bad mood and a non soap washed dirty face. Heaven only knows what is in store for me.

I just wish for the other persons sake that noone smashes their car into mine today.

P.S - What the fuck is wrong with me????????

2006-09-02T02:51:00.000+05:00

Friday -- 07 Shaaban 1427 -- 10 Bhadon 1928 -- 01 September 2006

An interesting day, the first of September. It is a general strike in Pakistan, hence my long blissfully slothful day at home. Lingering on.

And, as always, September brings with it good news and bad, good news that another year has parted and gone by well, bad news that I shall be an year older and find it one notch more difficult to find wild passionate sex atop white bedsheets on a sultry summer day.

You will have to excuse me. It is the traditional month of Bhadon, very hot and very humid. The spice of Kipling's India. The weather turns one into a beast that obeys all its primal urges. Hence my illusions to things that would seem slightly sudden keeping the previous history of my blog.

My return to the world of blogging after a rather long stay outside seems to have started with a rather strongly worded and unusual post. But, then again, people change, things happen.

In my life, somethings have changed, I have changed from a Psychotic Sarcastic Journalist to a Psychotic Sarcastic Corporate Capitalist Pig! In as such that I am not a part of the Corporate Executive machinery at another company. One, that I must add has a very large collection of very acceptable men.

So it would seem that my shift for a better pay package has indeed ended up giving me a better overall package experience. But of course that remains to be seem. I have not had any change to make any plans for the super sized Oak table in the conference room with the projectors.

So, I raise my cup of extra strong hot tea to all of you, TO LIFE!!!

2006-06-26T03:01:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 28 Jamadi ul Awwal 1426 -- 03 Asadh 1927 -- 25 June 2005

Why in hell's name am I awake this late?

And why do I want to kick my cable guy till he fixes my internet?

And why is it so hot for the past three days?

And why am I so completely superly horny all the time?

Thank you for bearing with me, I will call it the Jalal moronic questions special format for blog posts. It is interesting and gets you slightly charged up after having to answer obvious yet twisted questions.

And since there is nothing for me to write. I will leave!

2006-06-10T16:08:00.000+05:00

Saturday -- 13 Jamadi ul Awwal 1426 -- 20 Jyaistha 1927 -- 10 June 2006

Well, what a piece of work is fate?

So infinite in its evil and so unpredictable in its ways.

It would seem that I have found someone to share my lonely moments. And at the same time I have found two others. So it is either a complete barren wasteland empty of company and devoid of love or it is a field of difficult and painstaking choices and decisions.

In the meantime I am just enjoying food, what delectable delights life has in store for us.

2006-04-22T23:44:00.000+05:00

Saturday - 23 Rabi ul Awwal 1427 - 02 Vaisakh 1928 - 22 April 2006

So much goes on in life. It is hard to cope with it. It is hard to keep up. Just as it is hard to keep up your writing speed on a hot delirious night, it is hard to keep up with your life when you are extremely overworked and underslept.

The last week was a 96 hour work week. Full of working late nights with people many different countries. Who were hitting on me constantly.

Ok. Ok. Ill stop lying. GOD! You are like a bad spouse. Correcting / Demanding / Challenging and Irritating.

There was one guy and he was hitting on me. There.

By the way, who the fuck am I talking to when I do this?

Oh God. I am turning into a chronic workaholic. I mean, this was my first Saturday off in quite a few weeks. But I got all bored and I had to force myself not to go to my office. I need help. I need someone to help me out with this. This absolutely horrible level of workaholicism is unnerving and scary.

And, no, I am not going to see a shrink. They just dont understand and keep asking things. It is hard enough going about the boring mundane points of my life on my blog with an audience to add a shrink to it.

Also, there is a strange fear inside me that extensive therapy might make the shrink go completely insane and I would not be able to live with the knowledge that I am so seriously mentally fucked up that my shirk went insane.

Dude, this is a very, very wierd post.

I cover this up, I will try not to post when I am having a tea high next time.

2006-04-09T04:08:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 10 Rabi ul Awwal 1427 - 19 Caitra 1928 - 09 April 2006

So, now that I can access my blog again. I will start writing again.

Meanwhile, things I learnt in the past one month.

- Ogling guys is an excellent thing.
- Buying things 80% off at a clearance sale is better.
- Eating fatty things is the best.

2006-03-05T15:35:00.001+05:00

Sunday - 04 Safar 1427 - 14 Phalguna 1927 - 05 March 2006

So, it would seem that all blogspot sites in Pakistan have been banned. Accidentally I might add. In trying to ban a website that contained the cartoons they blocked the whole blogspot domain.

So, I can blog but I cant read. You will have to excuse my grammar and spellings till such time.

2006-03-05T15:35:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 04 Safar 1427 - 14 Phalguna 1927 - 05 March 2006

It would seem that due to a slight misunderstanding on part of the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority all blogspot sites have been banned in Pakistan. This is done to ban a website showing the cartoons that was on blogspot and since blogger does not give a unique url to the blogs all of them got blocked.

So, I can write this, but I can not read this. So, excuse my grammar and spellings. Now ill go and write a letter to the PTA.

2006-02-26T19:55:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 27 Muharram 1427 - 07 Phalguna 1927 - 26 February 2006

Wassup? Wazup? Wasup? Wazzup? Waszup?

And how are all of you frikking imbeciles and morons with slighly deficient brain cells out there? I realize I havent been coming online but that is simply because of my excessive work hours; to the tune of thrice the European standards; and my complete psychological and intellectual collapse.

Ohk. So, basically, I need the following things, not in order of importance,

- This wonderfully excellent suit I saw the other day.
- Bruce's telephone number so I can call the fucking whore-slut.
- A boyfriend.
- Excessive loss of weight.
- A sense of humour.
- A guy I can cheat on my boyfriend with.
- A beautiful yet perfect house on the beach.
- Another guy I can see on the side and compare with the first two guys.
- A sense of time and space so I can start to order my life.

Oh and yes, all of bitches out there who think that Apples are better than Mangoes, go fuck yourself; I hate you; we are never having sex.

So, basically this is how worked up I can get when I have just exercised and havent had my morning tea followed by a game of Pacman.

Which reminds me, my Pacmania has gone through the roof. What the hell are your highest scores in Pacman anyways. I am pretty sure I have the highest scores.

p.s - Please dont hate me because I have a complete lack of any concepts of continuity of thought.

2006-02-12T02:41:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 13 Muharram 1427 - 23 Magh 1927 - 12 February 2006

Ok. First of all. If you bitches find out that I havent been blogging for some time it doesnt mean you can send me ten thousand emails asking if I am ok. That is of course unless you set up a date with me first. One that can lead to any kind of an ending. Preferably one I have control over.

Oh and yes. You bitches need to give me more respect. Next time, you should kneel before me, remove your clothing, then write your comment. Also, since I am overly sexually active and overly desperate and sexually deprived. So if any of you bitches know any good gay guys in Karachi. Set me the hell up with them! I am desperate.

Hmmmm. Have I used the word bitches too many times?

Have I shown myself to be a sexually deprived horny braindead moron that needs to get laid? God I hope so.

Oh and yes, Bill, Mush and Zag; you are all dirty bitches! Now shut up and dance naked on the marble table top.

Hmmmmm, what the hell has gotten into me. Maybe it is all the testosterone pooling into my brain!

Damn it! I need medicine!

FIND ME A DATE GODDAMNIT!

2006-01-20T17:14:00.000+05:00

Friday - 19 Zilhaj 1426 - 30 Pausa 1927 - 20 January 2006

Even if I am capable of giving multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting on it does not mean that I am without a soul. Being a physical being full of lust for flesh does not mean that I lack a healthy intellectual and spiritual hunger.

But, then again, maybe it does.

What do you think?

2006-01-14T00:13:00.000+05:00

Friday - 12 Zilhaj 1426 - 23 Pausa 1927 - 13 January 2006

There comes a time in the life of every man when he thinks. He thinks about what he is and what he wants to be. What he aspires to be. What he desires to be. I have never had such a time. Before today that is.

Me and SAR picked up a friend at his office. On our way down we decided to take the electric elevator and save ourselves the pain it had caused us to climb flights upon flights of stairs to the fifth floor. Half of us, all three of the three that is, inside the electric elevator we chanced upon incriminating evidence that the electric elevator was indeed ascending. We decided to weather the storm anyways.

As soon as the elevator closed SAR had a sudden attack of childish prank psychosis and pulled my shirt outside my pants in one clear cut movement of adroit well suited for moronicities hands.

Not having developed mentally and still being completely devoid of any sense of proper behaviour I decided that one ill turn deserves another. As soon as I reached for his shirt he was on the floor, in an electric elevator, screaming at the top of his lungs like a rather drunken pig asking for milk. Suddenly there was a ping; the electric elevator doors opened; two people stared at two grown men screaming at the top of their lunds curled up in the corner of an electric elevator; two grown men snap to a completely military attention state within five microseconds.

To top all this off the spectators did not have the necessary decency to say excuse me and not board the electric elevator. They did board the electric elevator. Then they spend ten floors of two grown men laughing hysterically and falling to the floor in the middle of their over excited hysterics with long threads of spit dangling from their mouths as they scrambled for breath in the middle of their over exaggerated fits of hysterics.

That made me think. Should I sober up? Should I behave myself like an adult human? Should I stop pulling people's shirts out of their pants? Should I indeed say goodbye to my childhood? Should I change?

Then I told myself to "shut the hell up bitch". And I decided to live life as is.

2006-01-11T21:09:00.001+05:00

Wednesday - 10 Zilhaj 1426 - 21 Pausa 1927 - 11 January 2006

عید مبارک

Eid Mubarak all of you. May Allah shower you and your families with his blessings. May you all enjoy this Eid with all the derivatives that come with it. And may you have the love of your loved ones to make this day a wonderful occasion.

Oh and yes, it is indeed a wonderful holiday when every earning member of society has to slaughter an animal as a mark of sacrifice and donate a large portion of it to the poor.

It is indeed a wonderful feeling to catch a Goat by his horns, push it down to the ground, put your knee on it's neck to keep the Goat down, take a sharp blade in your hand, cut the Goat's throat, feel the warm blood spurt out of the animal's jugular vein and onto your hands. And then one simply cuts, bleeds, skins and cleans the animal with his bare hands. Yet another wonderful experience in the mundane lives of disturbed Pakistani men.

Thank be to Allah that we just give money to the Edhi foundation and I dont have to cut up an animal in the manner just described. That would be horrifying.

Oh, and yes, what is up with all the fresh oily smell of meat slaughtered today and eaten on the same day. I mean, it does smell quite fresh, and disgusting.

2006-01-09T23:36:00.000+05:00

Monday - 08 Zilhaj 1426 - 19 Pausa 1927 - 09 January 2006

It is always nice to meet up with old friends. Especially from high school. Since that is the time when one has a crush on every moving object. Along with being finally at an age where one can bond with another human being, with a certain amount of mental presence. And then again you are meeting people after eight years and one wants to catch up with all the mundane, useless details of what has been going on in our lives. Including how some people’s lives turn out to be long drawn out boring episodes in the general state of human apathy.<>

The interesting thing is how you notice that people don’t really change. It is interesting learning about how the over sexed, cute, educationally deficient, brain dead, light of the party guys who kept bullying you all through high school turn out. They are still the same, just that in real life they don’t succeed so much. It is also interesting to learn how the over sexed, cute, educationally capable, intelligent, boring guys who were your friends turn out. They are still the same, just that in real life they do succeed so much. Yet another sweeping statement from the desk of Mr. Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan. All the psychological, sociological, interpersonal relationship snippets aside. One does get to learn about the many different paths that every life takes<>.

And then again, one does get some familiar eye candy to stare at in dark sheesha smoke filled coffee shops. Always a good thing.

2006-01-04T21:22:00.000+05:00

Wednesday - 03 Zilhaj 1426 - 14 Pausa 1927 - 04 January 2006

Ok, it is official, I am fat.

Until now I though of myself as a pscyhotic sarcastic carnivorous homosexual slut.

But, now, I think I have turned into a pscyhotic sarcastic fat carnivorous homosexual slut.

Oh, and yes, I think, I am thinking of actually talking to my parents and telling them to find me a nice girl so I can get engaged.

What is wrong with me? Am, I crazy?

Jalal - Shhhhh, Jalal, no, no, you are not crazy, you are normal. You are completely normal.

Good God!

2006-01-04T00:17:00.000+05:00

Tuesday - 02 Zilhaj 1426 - 13 Pausa 1927 - 03 January 2006

So, life is very interesting nowdays. For two reasons.

One of my very close friends just got engaged in quite a hurry. He comes up to me one day and tells me that his parents are saying that he needs to get engaged very soon. Two days later he tells me that his parents have chosen a girl. Two days later he went with his family to the girl's house to ask for her hand in marriage. And now he is getting engaged two weeks from now. All this within three weeks. Three weeks. Three weeks! THREE WEEKS!!!!!

Jalal - story now, hysterical attack of over pronunciation and syllable elongation later.

Another one of my very close friends comes up to me three days ago and tells me that his father has given him a choice of two girls to choose from and he is going to get engaged to her in two weeks. He calls me up four hours later to tell me that one of the girls has gotten engaged to someone else in the last four hours - there is no choice now. He does not like the girl. So we spent two hours today (I dont have too much time on my hands, this is a very important issue, at least for him) on discussing different ways in which he can get his father to agree that this is not the right match for him. Inclusive of, tampering with his medical testing results by bribing hospital staff with the promise of a better financial prospects. And, telling the girl - who, by the way, has a crush on him - that it will not work out and they should pressurize their respective families to call it off. If any of you shining lights of mental capacity has an answer, don't give it to me, we have already come up with all the possible solutions. And they dont work.

Will Jalal's unlucky moron friend get engaged to the girl that he does not like? Will Jalal's normal friend find a good piece of attire for his engagement? Will Jalal ever try to grow the hell up and stop posting like a brain dead teenage schoolgirl? We will be back, same Bat time, same Bat channel. Batman is a stupid bitch - period.

2006-01-01T00:02:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 29 Ziqaad 1426 - 11 Pausa 1927 - 01 January 2006

To usher in the new year of the third calendar system in my post titles,

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine,
And we'll tak a cup o kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine,
But we've wander'd monie a weary fit,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne

2005-12-31T17:11:00.000+05:00

Saturday - 28 Ziqaad 1426 - 10 Pausa 1927 - 31 December 2005

There are movies with good prints, excellent sound quality and crisp pictures and colours. Then there are pirated versions of these DVD movies available for lesser amounts so normal human beings, who are not able to differentiate between colours that the human eye can not biologically differentiate between, are spared the bull crap used by over paid salesmen to sell real DVDs at prices where all decent humans should scream bloody murder. Then there are movies that are of a lower quality. Cinema prints. These are movies taken from a choice location in the cinema to give a good clear picture; you can see the cameraman focusing the camera during the initial brain dead advertisements of the movie.

Then there are the bad cinema prints. The camera is placed in the most inaccessible location of the cinema, kudos to the brain power of the cameraman. Then the idiot forgets to focus the camera. Grow a brain moron. Then all through the movie people keep crossing the cameraman to go to the bathroom because they did not have the common sense to not stuff themselves full all day long and have not had enough self control to discipline their bowel movements. Then of course there are the people who keep coughing all through the movie, have the decency to pour some venom down your throat bitch. To top everything off, the cameraman turns out to be a complete idiot and keeps covering the camera with his hands so you get to see only half the screen of the movie. Wow, congratulations on having an IQ equal to that of my morning bowl of porridge! <>The worst thing is that my idiot cablewallah always ends up getting the last type of movie. And that is what I am watching right now. And that is the reason for this rather agitated post. Although, I must add, there are beans passing through the digestive systems of cows that would make better cablewallahs, but since he is my cablewallah I have respect for him and his miserable braid dead group who takes care of the cable system here.

Oh, and yes, regarding a wedding that I had to go to recently. What the hell is wrong with the bridegroom’s idiot brother? Who the hell sleeps till five in the evening on the day their brother is getting married? I know you are reading this, I know you know this is you. Don’t comment, just call me and lets have a cat fight.<>

And, yes, I use British spellings, so bite me! Hard.<>

Oh, and in case you disagree with what I was saying here – go menstruate; put on your skirt; and do some baking to calm yourself down.

2005-12-29T00:15:00.000+05:00

What will a butler call his master's son whose name is Bates.

Master Bates?

That is just nasty.

2005-12-28T22:42:00.000+05:00

Wednesday - 26 Ziqaad 1426 - 08 Pausa 1927 - 29 December 2005

Damn you Murphy; damn your breeches; and damn all of your laws!

It is indeed a cause for concern for all overly scientific minded vulcan agnostics when things do not go according to the accepted norms of science or common sense.

What I am trying to say is that when you see a heavy metallic object of a square shape you are expecting that tiptoeing into the kitchen at midnight and dropping it accidentally would lead to one hard metallic thud sound and end of story.

You are not expecting the loud boom of an empty tin can falling down from the lower heavens and then rolling about, despite a completely cubic shape, with horribly loud banging noised for as long as it takes a dying man to see his life go by infront of his eyes.

One simply is not prepared. It is similar to being flashed by an extremely ugly human being when one is trying to hit on someone sitting next to you on a public bus. One is simply not prepared.

And now, I shall beg your leave, have a wonderful evening.

2005-12-26T23:47:00.000+05:00

Monday - 23 Ziqaad 1426 - 05 Pausa 1927 - 26 December 2005

There are times when I think that my blog is a representation of me. There are times when I do not. And, this does not refer to my multiple personality disorder. That is a completely different issue that Jalal has to go through.

But then again there are times when I think what kind of a person I am, then I come across a search for "paranoid psychotic" that landed on my website. It is one thing to know oneself and it is completely another to be told oneself, and in such a ghastly manner indeed. I would prefer to be called a psychotic sarcastic blogger instead. Or, rather delicately as someone on the internet put it "psychological problems in Karachi". It would be a nicer world indeed if we cared about each other and used properly grammatically crafted slurs for each ohter. So the other person only goes through insult not injury.

Although I have been talking about a lot of sex on this blog but the search results for "caress my nipples" leading up to my blog are completely unacceptable and libelous. I did not say that to him at any time during the first one day of our relationship. For that matter I did not discuss "unpopped cherry porn" either. I mean, I would never get taped during the first time. I would never, never, never. Unless there were too many men that I could hide amongst. But all this said, I would like to say that I am not a sex obsessed perverted slut of a homosexual guy at all.

Strangely enough, the search results also cater to my rather violent, spank-me-red-daddy kind of attitude as well. What with searches like "Qurbani of Goat in Toronto", "cricketers hit in the groin and lying down in pain". I do admit these searches paint a picture of pain and suffering. But a slight amount of violence never hurt anyone, specially if it involves pyromania with someone's belongings at your office who seems to be the demon from hell incarnate. Specially if noone was hurt and noone had their expensive leather briefcase charred two days after they sabotaged Jalal's report by changing all of his spellings to vile Americanized versions of English words.

The most interesting part is the mellow cultural / cultured touch that some of the aforementioned searches come up with. I mean "indian film songs for rukhsati" surely deals with a tender and loving emotion that I hold for my sisters being wedded off and me finally getting all of the property that they so serpentinely sit on presently. And the search for the "nafees nastaliq font" shows yet another one of my hidden talents of observing and enjoying beauty in non living things just as well as in living things. While at the same time slave driving my art school going sister to do some calligraphic writing for me.

And with that, I take your leave.

And so does Jalal.

2005-12-24T12:52:00.000+05:00

LA VIE BOHEME !!!

2005-12-22T00:56:00.000+05:00

This post is being added solely as a mellowing agent and a warning. It is being added as a mellowing agent so that you are Jalalized and transformed into a hyper active super excited human who will be able to get my previous post below this one. It is also meant as a warning that the following post is only for adults who might find male homosexual practices acceptable to read about.

2005-12-22T00:47:00.000+05:00

Thursday - 19 Ziqaad 1426 - 01 Pausa 1927 - 22 December 2005

So, today Jalal started his sex life. With sexy-office-guy.

No, we did not fuck. I got to give a completely perfect penis a long hard hand job.

I love being gay.

2005-12-16T23:08:00.000+05:00

Friday - 13 Ziqaad 1426 - 25 Agrahayana 1927 - 16 December 2005

Ok. So I have finally managed to get a date for tomorrow. Taking time out from my 85 hour work week has indeed managed to improve the quality of my life.

Plus. I repeat - I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again. I will not turn into a hyper sexed up lust craving slut on the telephone again.

2005-12-14T22:56:00.000+05:00

Wednesday - 11 Ziqaad 1426 - 23 Agrahayana 1927 - 14 December 2005

This post is slightly graphic so I would suggest people except gay men to proceed with caution.

The sexy office guy. The same one who I was about to hold from behind when he came in from his workout some time ago. The same one who I keep thinking about when I do strange things. The same one who has played around with me. I had the following conversation with him today.

I have to state that this whole conversation is carried out in a semi humourous state. That is possible because, unlike the West, in Pakistan men have very strong bisexual instincts. It is not a cultural taboo, except in the more extremist right wing elements or the social classes with Victorian sexual morality. I digress - so the conversation goes as such ...

Me : So are you doing it or not?
Him : You keep saying it but dont do it.
Me : Come on tell me.
Him : Tell you what?
Me : Are you doing it or not?
Him : You keep saying things but then you back off.
Me : I back off? You are the useless one over here.
Him : I am going jogging today if you want to join me you should join me there.
Me : I am not really experienced with jogging.
Him : Oh, I am very good with jogging.
Me : With my lack of exercise in the recent past I think I might have to stop jogging in about 2-3 minutes.
Him : Oh I can do laps.
Me : (sparkle of admiration in my eyes) Really? How long?
Him : 20 minutes.
Me : (physical condition). Really?
Him : Oh, yes, try me.
Me : Do you have a condom right now?
Him : Its in the car.
Me : We need to do something tonight.

Well, to think that my luck can be any worse. I got extremely sick during the day today and had to take the day off. So no fucking sex for me.

2005-12-11T17:07:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 08 Ziqaad 1426 - 20 Agrahayana 1927 - 11 December 2005

It brings great pleasure to me to be able to bridge gulfs. The gulf between right and wrong by considering them both right. The gulf between religion and athiesm by being an agnostic. The gulf between men and women by telling women that they are vile creatures meant only to serve men. The gulf between boxers and briefs by introducing the concept of boxer briefs. The gulf between straight and gay men by wanting to sleep with them both. The gulf between work and home by making my work both of these. The gulf between order and disorder by being an extremely disorderly perfectionist. Finally, the gulf between East and West by introducting ideas from one to the other and them translating them.

My latest idea would be the concept of changing much used terminologies.

West : Whose your daddy?
East : Whose your sahib?

West : Whose your daddy now?
East : Whose your sahib now?

West : Whose your daddy now bitch?
East : Whose your sahib now kutiya?

West : Whose your daddy, SAY IT?
East : Whose your sahib, SAY IT?

West : Oh yeah daddy?
East : Oh yeah sahib?

West : Oh yeah daddy, gimme some love?
East : Oh yeah daddy, gimme some love?

Why are the last to lines the same? That is because some things done change.

2005-12-08T23:41:00.000+05:00

Thursday - 05 Ziqaad 1426 - 17 Agrahayana 1927 - 08 December 2005

There are three questions hovering around in my mind right now.

One, why do people search for the strangest things. I mean, why do people search for ""took off his shirt" uniform army hide"; and " pakistan work week"; and "Rushless Coffee Shop"; and "what does a indian peshwaz look like"; and "online caramboard"; and the crowning glory "Queer Bloggers in Karachi"

Two, why the hell do all these searched eventually lead people to my blog. I mean, come on, I search for strange things, but I never end up at my blog. Why is Google and Yahoo doing this to me? Why? Why? Why?

Three, why the hell are people in Karachi wearing sweaters, mufflers and coats for crying out loud. It is not like Karachi has a winter. It has mild summer period. Why? Why? Why?

2005-12-04T22:36:00.000+05:00

Sunday - 01 Ziqaad 1426 - 13 Agrahayana 1927 - 04 December 2005

There are times when my mother is paranoid. There are times when my mother is psychotic. There are times when my mother becomes an avid worrier. Basically, there are times when my mother suddenly comes upto the standards of motherhood and becomes one with all the paranoid, psychotic, worrying mothers of the world.

I experience it every day when my mother tells me how to park my car inside the room of the Inspector General of Police and then fly from there to my office and avoid my car being snatched and being kidnapped at the same time by listening to her; how to make sure I do not get so involved in office politcs that my colleagues get me murdered / assassinated; how to know that the food that I am eating might not be clean if what I am eating has any taste, smell, colour, sound or texture; how to make sure that I lock my car doors tightly, what the hell is locking doors tightly, when I am coming back from work; how not to trust anyone who offers me candy or food on a public bus or taxi or on the street; and finally, how to do everything a burglar says once I am being burglarized.

But, I am told, and silent whispers of forgotten memories do come back to me like wisps of smoke on a cold January morning. I remember the time in my pre teenage era when we decided to go to the US for summer vacations. My father had already left for the US and we were to join him there after meeting all of our relatives who lived there. It was me, my mother and my two younger sisters. All young, all vibrant, all active and a paranoid psychotic wreck for a mother amongst us.

As soon as we boarded the plane my mother underwent a change. She became completely paranoic, psychotic and worrysome. We were supposed to pull our pockets outside our pants so noone could slip drugs into our pockets. We were not supposed to talk to strangers or they might bind us in the darker corners of the Airplane and sell us to the Ferengees once the plane landed there. We are not supposed to jump from the plane until we were sure that the stairs had been attached to the plane. We were supposed to keep quiet while she was calculating time so we do not get the 24 hour system and the AM PM system mixed up, miss our flight, get stranded in Tokyo, and have to spend our life in utter destitution begging for food on the streets of Tokyo. We survived the flight.

What happened as the plane started to descent upon the land of the rising sun can not be explained. All of a sudden my mother took out three ropes. She ties ropes around the hands of my and my sisters and tied the other ends to her hand. I thank Allah to this day that I do not remember this completely. Then we had to spend one hour in Tokyo airport being led from counter to counter, check to check, desk to desk, tied to our mother with ropes while all normal work continued. All the nice, motherly, smiling, Japanese women on the other side of the counters asking my mother why we were bound. She telling everyone that she is travelling alone without her husband. All the nice, motherly, smiling, Japanese women on the other side of the counters nodding in understanding and expediting our paperwork.

So, basically all mothers are the same. And they "get" each other very well too. Culture, Religion, Ethnicity, Social Class, Language, Race, Species, Musical Choice, Political Orientation, Preferance of meat or greens, Colour of skin, American/British spelling preferances are no bar to this rule. Mothers are all alike and they are completely in synchronization with each other.

In the end, thank be to Allah that I was too young to forget most of the episode.

2005-11-27T22:42:00.001+05:00

Sunday - 24 Shawwal 1426 - 06 Agrahayana 1927 - 27 November 2005

Yet another weekend. Yet another little piece of absolutely purified madness in my life.

Since I am not in the condition to be grammatically proper right now so I will make another list. And, if any one of bitches feels that I have been making too many "lists" lately, then you can just eat my shorts. Or as Ryan Reynolds would put it, if he were here, with me, shirtless, (as you can see I seem to have digressed a lot from the originally planned theme) ...

All, right, all right. I wont make a list. Calm down. Turn the pitch of your voice lower. . . . Thank You.

Well, to start off with, like all self respecting twenty five year olds from non health conscious third world countries with a lack of mass discipline and self control I had 4 fried eggs for breakfast on Saturday as well as on Sunday. I just love long sentences. And, fried eggs. And, strange contortions of logic and sense. And, oiled up muscled men who come in wrestling programs the world over. As you can see, it is very hard for me to control my thoughts. I love that too.

Then, I answered three phone calls from friends in places as far away as Hyderabad, Bahawalpur and Islamabad asking me the proper English wording for a wedding invitation card. So basically, firstly, what the hell is wrong with people, secondly, why the hell does everyone want to get married so soon in life, thirdly, why the hell didn't I know the answer to their questions.

Oh and yes, I realized that I am indeed, despite what the latest research is saying, attracted by male pheronomes. I realized this when a guy, sweat soaked T-shirt, Sweat soaked jogging suit walked by me and the only thing that I could think was to make sure I stared at him with lusty eyes as he walked away as opposed to immersing myself in that little nearly empty mini bottle of cologne that I have in the office.

I learnt one thing during this post. Extremely long sentences stop making sense.

2005-11-27T22:42:00.000+05:00

Friday - 29 Shawwal 1426 - 11 Agrahayana 1927 - 02 December 2005

You realize that you are a perverted homosexual slut when you look at the new guard at your office and you realize that he is built like fucking hell and seems cute and you start staring at his crotch even though you know that he is looking at you look at his package and dont break your stare for even one moment and then when you are driving back by the same guy you look him straight in the eyes without stopping and you actually flick your tongue at the guy as his jaw drops open and then when you can only look at his back view in the rear view mirror you call him a sexy-bitch-daddy.

In case any one of you sub humans with a severly impaired capability of understand things does not understand what I am trying to say. Then, I can only say that I am a perverted homosexual slut.

Oh, and yes, if you, for some reason beyound all sense of normalcy and intelligence, desire to exchange pictures you have to fall into the following criterion. a - you have to be a male human being. b - you have to be a human male specimen. c - you have to be a guy. As for women who think they can turn me straight, I am very impressed by your talents but if you try to convert my people, I am going to drop kick you and tell you to let my people go.

Oh, and yes, in reference to the previous post, "extremely long sentences stop making sense", they do stop making sense but they are fucking amazing.

2005-11-12T13:31:00.000+05:00

Saturday - 09 Shawwal 1426 - 21 Kartika 1927 - 12 November 2005

After a week of work, bitching and buying a little too many new underwear (I won’t tell you their colour goddamnit!) the guys decided, all of a sudden, to go to the beach for the night. There was a mad rush of lies, deceit and treachery as we tried to get each other to do all the groundwork. I will have you know, my doting audience, that I turned out to be an evil, scheming manipulator and wiggled my way out of any work that might have come my way.

We got to the hut a little before sunset. As per accepted norms we lied down in the middle of the beach to watch the sun and the sea. The stars and the see. The moon and the sea. The stars and the sea. The sun and the sea. Sunlit walks in the warm waters of the sea on a warm November evening. Moonlit walks in the warm waters of the sea on a cool November night. Starlit walks in the warm waters of the sea on a chilly November night.

As with each and every one of my trips to the beach it was Turtle hatching season. I don’t understand, maybe turtles hatch all year round, or, when I go there they just hatch because of my overpowering hormones exuding themselves into the air. Needless to say, it is one of the more wonderful feelings for a gay guy to sit on a giant sea turtle. Boys, highly recommended. Girls, highly recommended.

One of the more beautiful things about all-guy weekends out and about is the completely brain dead moronic bets that people get into. I mean, how the fuck did M say that he can eat more than me. Of-fucking-course I won the bet. Not everyone can eat 9 pizza slices just after eight people have finished one kilo of Nimko (all of you poor creatures who have not eaten Nimko, I feel for you). Oh and yes, in case you were wondering. There was a LOT of Pakola there as well.

Most of the rest of the night was a kind of a blur. I think this may have been because I had at least ten loaded cigarettes and at least one bottle of whisky during the twelve hour interval. Yes, yes, yes, I know I am a complete freak but how the hell do you expect someone to keep warm under such circumstances.

After reading the ensuing summary I am pretty sure that the night was one of excessive debauchery, corruption, sin, decadence and excess.

Picnic Summary :

9 - Number of pizza slices eaten

4 - Number of barbequed chicken legs eaten

0.2 Kilos - Amount of Nimko eaten

8 - Bottles of Pakola drank

0.5 Litres - Amount of Scotch

8 - Number of filled cigarettes

8 - Bottles of Coke added to the Scotch

9 - Bathroom Trips

3 - Non Bathroom Trips

7 - Number of times S told the same 15 minute long story

7 - Number of times everyone laughed at the story

0 - Number of times I laughed at the story

6 - Number of Turtle hatchlings released in the sea with my own hands

2 - Number of giants sea turtles I sat on

2005-11-11T02:28:00.000+05:00

Friday - 08 Shawwal 1426 - 20 Kartika 1927 - 11 November 2005

A million things go on in life. My 85 work hours a week keep piling on and on. Suddenly I notice that there is not much in life than work. Suddenly I notice that I want to do things outside those walls that I dont get to do. Suddenly I notice that I need more time to myself and my life.

So here I am, someone who has been working for 85 hours a week for the last three months, someone who has not had a Sunday off in two months, sitting up at 0240 in the morning, typing onto my blog and not caring about how I will go to work tomorrow.

Seems like a breaking point. A point in life where I dont know what I am doing what I am doing. I am sure you all realize that I am talking about the blog and not my job and what I am actually doing in life. So basically, I feel strange and I like to share it with you.

Big frikking deal! I am pretty sure you can find many other people who you will not consider normal. So, basically, shoo, shoo, shoo and go off to work!

2005-10-28T21:10:00.000+05:00

Friday -- 23 Ramazan 1426 -- 06 Kartika 1927 -- 28 October 2005

Jumma tul Wida. The last monday in the month of Ramazan. A very different month. A very different Friday.

My day in Ramazan starts at 0345 to the musical cacophony of drum beats of less then acceptably trained drum beaters on run down bicycles. Wakeing up in the middle of the night. Swollen face and bad tempered. The family gathers over badly cooked distasters of health that some, including my mother, call Sehri. Just because she wakes up in the middle of the night to cook Sehri for us does not mean that I appreciate her and like her food. Au contraire.

Immediately after Sehri I hop into bed and enjoy the sweet pleasures of a long and deep slumber. Much to the tune of fat English Lords in their manors while their servants laboured and bled for their fortunes. But, like all (good ?) things in life, this wasteless slumber has to come to an abrupt and violent end at the hands of an infernal piece of mechanical horror called the alarm clock.

So starts the business of life. Wake up. Rub your face over and over again and keep hoping that you will wake up in a Spanish Hacienda with naked men tottering about multiple circular bannisters. Clean yourself. Keep your eyes closed and keep hoping that you alight from under the showers into a Turkish bath with naked men filling my Harem to the brim. Have breakfast.

2005-10-19T22:19:00.000+05:00

Wednesday -- 14 Ramzan 1426 -- 27 Asvina 1927 -- 19 October 2005

Sorry for not keeping you guys posted. I was too involved in things to even sit down and blog.

2005-10-11T19:39:00.000+05:00

Tuesday -- 06 Ramazan 1426 -- 19 Asvina 1927 -- 11 October 2005

Mass Depression. National Trauma. Public Shock.

The figures are shocking. Unbelievable. May Allah have mercy on us all.

2005-10-09T21:52:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 04 Ramazan 1426 -- 17 Asvina 1927 -- 09 October 2005

I was in Islamabad on an official trip when the earthquake struck. It was a very strong earthquake. The thundrous sound of the rumbling. The movement of the walls. I dont remember how I got out of the building. But I got out. Many others did not.

But, may Allah bless the souls of the departed. May Allah grant us the strength to help the survivors while our televisions show us the damage and later on when the survivors really need our help.

2005-09-30T20:14:00.000+05:00

Friday -- 25 Shaaban 1426 -- 08 Asvina 1927 -- 30 September 2005

Psychotically Challenged Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan Multiple Personality Disorder Personality Number One (PCJAKMPDPN1) : Jalal, please don't tell you boss that you want your name on the memo.
Psychotically Challenged Jalaluddin Ahmed Khan Multiple Personality Disorder Personality Number Two (PCJAKMPDPN2) : Why not, I wrote the whole damned thing.
PCJAKMPDPN1 : Ok, Dude, you know what he is like.
PCJAKMPDPN2 : Doode! You know I can convince him.
PCJAKMPDPN3 : Shut the hell up, you two always keep yakking and never have sex with the hunk from .
PCJAKMPDPN1 : Dude shut up, you should have been happy he caressed your nipples.
(This ladies and gentlemen is true, he did caress my nipples, but then again it was 2230 and we were all behaving semi psychotic.)
PCJAKMPDPN2 : Sit back and see how good I am with the bosses.

Ten minutes later.

PCJAKMPDPN2 returns in the form of a rotting animal carcass that has just been breathed over by a huge serpent drangon slut!

PCJAKMPDPN1 : See I told you not to go to him. Did he give you more work.
PCJAKMPDPN2 : Yes he did.
PCJAKMPDPN3 : I liked old boss better than new boss since old boss was a nice human and new boss is a serpent dragon slut!
PCJAKMPDPN1 : Shut up you two gay sluts! Let PCJAKMPDPN4 finish his blog post.

PCJAKMPDPN3 : Oh shut up! I remember being with Jalal in his car today. Windows open, full blast of wind, singing loudly enough for others to stare at him.

PCJAKMPDPN5 : My God! I have a fever right now. I am not feeling well at all. It is very hot but I have turned the fan off. I am feeling extremely hot but the fan makes it worst. So basically as I sit here, I am sweaty wet, feeling very hot, feeling very very horny. Hmmmmmm. Can we please finish the damned post so I can get back to being normal again. You know I dont like company.

PCJAKMPDPN1 : PCJAKMPDPN4 DUDE! Finish your damned job already!

PCJAKMPDPN4 : Ohk, ohk, goodbye everyone.

2005-09-24T08:49:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 19 Shaaban 1426 -- 02 Asvina 1927 -- 24 September 2005

One, sorry for not writing for so long and causing you so much anxiety and depression, my home computer was not working for the past one week, my office internet was off for the past three weeks.

Two, I learnt that I am a sex starved slut after all. Two guys came into my office and applied for the same post. Both had the same qualifications and both were equally competent as far as the interview goes. One of them was so hot that I was passing by the waiting area over and over again.

So, basically, to cut the long story short, I hired him and not the other guy.

Shame, shame, shame!

2005-08-28T19:54:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 22 Rajab 1426 -- 06 Bharda 1927 -- 21 August 2005

So, I go to Quetta for a couple of days. I remember it as a sleepy boring semi town in the older days. Then something happened that I did not expect.

I was taken to a concern in Quetta. And I have never seen a collection of such extremely sexable men in such a small place in my life. I have to say, Quetta has by far the cutest men in the world. And, apparently Quetta is notorious for being a very gay town.

DOH! Have you even frikking seen the guys there, no wonder they are gay.

Now that I have sortof calmed down from now nicotine and caffeine starved semi testosteroned rave, I shall go and eat spicy oily chiken while you all read this and imagine all those sexy guys.

Ba bya!

Note to self : Jalal, you are too fucking gay! Calm the fuck down!

2005-08-21T20:28:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 15 Rajab 1426 -- 30 Sravana 1927 -- 21 August 2005

A post belated by one week.

First, for the 14th of August. Happy Independence Day PAKISTAN!

It is after a very long time that we have had such a very optimistic 14th of August. Everything is looking up. The economy is booming. The standard of life of every segment is getting better. Roads are being built in Karachi, finally. I am losing weight. I am getting it on, at some level, with one of my colleagues.

Basically a nice, happy, optimistic, sexually charged, 14th of August.

Pakistan Paindabad.

پاکستان پائندہ باد

2005-08-21T19:28:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 15 Rajab 1426 -- 30 Sravana 1927 -- 21 August 2005

Some opinions regarding my previous post. You may be a British citizen and be Pakistani by culture or descent, but you are not a Pakistani citizen. I am completely opposed to all forms and formats of violence and will remain opposed to them no matter who does what. And, I think we should all move away from violence and towards universal brotherhood / sisterhood / hood.

2005-08-07T16:20:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 01 Rajab 1426 -- 16 Sravana 1927 -- 07 August 2005

A strange question answer session with myself and my thoughts.

Q - Were the London bombers Pakistani citizens?

A - No.

Inference - Britain - Your fucking trash, your fucking responsibility.

Q - Were they then born in Pakistan?

A - No.

Inference - Britain - Your fucking trash, your fucking responsibility.

Q - Well, were they even raised and educated in Pakistan?

A - No.

Inference - Britain - Your fucking trash, your fucking responsibility.

The idea of holding Pakistan in some manner responsible for activities of people who have nothing whatsofuckingever to do with Pakistan is strange. The moment you issue them a fucking passport and accept them as a part of you, each and every one of their bonds with Pakistan is broken. They are your fucking citizens with nothing whatsoever to do with Pakistan. Take care of your own fucking trash.

2005-07-20T07:27:00.000+05:00

Wednesday -- 12 Jamadi us Sani 1426 -- 29 Asadha 1927 -- 20 July 2005

Excellent weather. Excellent excellent weather. Windy. Cloudy. Cool.

Excellent.

2005-07-09T22:15:00.001+05:00

Saturday -- 01 Jamadi us Sani 1426 -- 18 Asadha 1927 -- 09 July 2005

I dont know what to write. I have been sitting infront of the screen for ten minutes. I have been thinking about blogging once I got the time on Saturday (for the more stupid amongst you, today). But now that I am sitting infront of my screen I have no idea what to write.

Does this mean that there is something wrong with me? Does this mean that I am slowly and gradually becoming dull and boring? Does this mean that I am less of a good lay now than I was in my college years?

Not at all. This just means that I like to think about things that happen around me. Even if they are so frikking stupid that I should be drawn and quartered for wasting fifteen seconds of human thought on the subject. And mind you I mean fifteen seconds from the cumulative human thought over eons.

That said, I think I can indeed at times say things that I want to. But, oh well. I shall shut up and go back to watching immoral visual elements over the internet!

2005-07-03T22:13:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 25 Jamadi ul Awwal 1426 -- 12 Asadha 1927 -- 03 July 2005

Learning, learning and learning. My life has become one long series of learning experiences.

And now that I have the intellectual bull shit out of the way. How the hell are all of you? I am super fantastic. I drink a gallon of coffee to keep awake and that makes me over excited all the time. Even then some of my friends tell me that I seem duller than I was in college. Maybe it is just the alcohol slowly killing my brain cells. But then again, maybe it is age. No, not the negative kind. The positive kind that makes you seem more mature and under control as opposed to the super hyper excited freakazoid that I tended to be.

What the fuck am I rambling on and on about. Honestly, I dont know. I am sorry. I am so sorry.

With that out of the way. Karachi had been seeing some horrible heat and humidity until a couple of days ago. Then the weather changed. Cloudy and windy. Just the way I like it.

Oh, and the guy at work, the one who I thought was gay. He is gay and I think he wants me. So ill keep you all posted.

Oh and another thing. In case I find it possible. Morning blogging from tomorrow.

2005-06-19T21:51:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 11 Jamadi ul Awwal 1426 -- 29 Jyaistha 1927 -- 19 June 2005

Dear Jalal,

You have learnt the following things at work.

1 - You are growing more insane with time as opposed to growing more sober as is the case generally.
2 - You can not stop yourself from going to office on Sundays and staying as late as you possibly ca.
3 - You are more worried about why you are not worried about work rather than about why you have more work than can be done.
4 - You are happy with so much work that you can not even finish it.
5 - You are realizing that there something very very very wrong with you that you cannot cure.
6 - The guy whose car you were sitting in smoking is definitely gay and if you had made any moves you would have started to get some regular sex in the office.
7 - People will always have time for smoking, idle banter and food.
8 - People will never have time for you when you drop in all of a sudden and start dropping Mayonnaise on their important paperwork.
9 - If you wear a shirt inside out at work again everyone will think you are crazy and not that it was a random mistake.
10 - You are thanking Allah that the shirt was so specially built that it looks nearly the same inside out as well.
11 - You have slipped twice while running in your office.
12 - You are not to laugh while drinking water again or you will only end up repeating Tuesdays incident with the printouts and the water.
13 - Never laugh so loud that you start to snort like a pig in front of your superiors and subordinates.
14 - Never lust after your coworkers when you do not have the time to even go to the loo.

2005-06-12T17:50:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 04 Jamadi ul Awwal 1426 -- 22 Jyaistha 1927 -- 12 June 2005

It would seem that I have actually come down to Sunday to Sunday blogging. Khair, well and good. It is as it is. It will be as it will be. And it shall stand as it shall stand. And I shall shut up blabbering as I shall shut up blabbering.

A couple of things for you guys to enjoy over the week and question my sanity and lack of brain power.

Yesterday was one of the most interesting days of my life. Two of my friends who I hang out with just got into jobs or new jobs two weeks ago. We keep meeting up over the weekends. Yesterday we all met up for food at about 5 at Boating Basin. Which for the uninitiated in the city of Karachi is an area facing an inlet of the sea and it has a lot of cheap yet good restaurants catering to many different cuisines. My God that was a long sentence.

We kept eating, smoking, talking, haggling, squabbling, drinking, arguing, laughing, sniggering, telephoning and smiling for 5 hours until 10. After working more than twelve hours every day of the week yesterday was the most interesting hang out session in a very very long time. I remember that two of us had the strangest argument when we were very drunk one day. To this day I maintain that we were talking about different things and the other guy says that we were talking about the same thing. The discussion that we had yesterday were ever more strange.

I smoked a total of 12 Dunhill lights. I drank a total of 1.75 Litres of Pakola. I ate a total of 3 Shawerma specials. For anyone who has been to Qasr e Nakheel, this must seem very very extraordinary.

Khair, it was thoroughly enjoyable. I am sure that psychologists should study the effects of long working hours on young males who then get together to hang out. And in that case I am sure we would have been a very very interesting case.

And now that I have told you what I have been doing during the week. I will further illuminate your life with a thing that I do at times. Becoming two rich English women having tea together. This is as opposed to my usual multiple personality thing with me and Jalal. This is Gertrude and Petunia. When the psychosis is heightened then Esmeralda also joins in. Such as was the case yesterday.

Gertrude : Oh, Petunia darling, how do you do?
Petunia : Gertrude angel, fine thank you.
Gertrude : You brought along a friend, how capital, now we can have tee for three. Har har dee har har ... tee for three ... har har.
Petunia : Har har dee har har, how awsomely edible your jokes do become Gertrude. This is my friend Esmeralda Hoppingdollop from Herefortendorshofortstreepshire.
Gertrude : You dont mean from Tenementelentaly House?
Esmeralda : The very same.
Gertrude : Oh how interesting! I have heard stories about that. Lady Darclays used to tell me such horror stories about it.
Petunia : Oh Gertrude you angel, you have finally managed to get that wonderful tea, Lady Earl Gray for us?
Gertrude : Yes Petunia, I had a favour pending from Lady Hardcock for referring her to that wonderful French Cook Monseiur Jacques Pompeidou.
Esmeralda : You dont say! Does this mean that Jacques has left Lord Heatherwelldon's service.
Gertrude : I am afraid so.
Petunia : Oh, do say, noone really did like Lord Heatherwelldon. Remember how he misbehaved with Laetitia Charmichealengelano.
Esmeralda : A gentleman would never call a womans bosoms too large for her clothing under any circumstances!
Gertrude : Completely agreed.
Petunia : Oh, how capital! SCONES!

And to and it all. OH MY GOD! WHY AM I SO FUCKING INSANE!

2005-06-05T18:57:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 27 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 15 Jyaistha 1927 -- 05 June 2005

Yet another embarrasing story in the story of my life.

Whenever I am in an elevator, and I am alone, then as soon as the doors close I act as if I am supporting the weight of the thing. I bukle my knees, I raise my hands, I make a stance that says that I hold up this box that contains my life. Oh shut up, get out of your pseudo intellectual reverie.
But, I promise, I promise, promise, promise, promise, promise. I stop it before the doors open and others have the capability of spying me.

Yesterday I got over excited, thanks to too much coffee, tea and cigarettes. I was overacting the part and jumping up and down as well as holding the weight up. So, when the door opened I couldnt see it but everyone else could see me jumping up and down.

Noone boarded the elevator.

2005-05-31T19:44:00.000+05:00

Tuesday -- 22 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 10 Jyaistha 1927 -- 31 May 2005

س - یار، نارتھ ناظم آباد جائو گے؟
ج - نہیں صاحب، وہاں نہیں جائیں گے۔
س - بھائی صاحب، نارتھ ناظم آباد جائیں گے؟
ج - نہیں یار، اس طرف نہیں جائوں گا۔
س - نارتھ ناظم آباد جائو گے؟
ج - نہیں بابو، وہیں حالات خراب ہیں۔

2005-05-31T19:25:00.000+05:00

Tuesday -- 22 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 10 Jyaistha 1927 -- 31 May 2005

So much news. So many rumours. So many sights. So many thoughts.

Yet again my city burns as I sit here writing. Yet again my city burns as I sit here thinking about what is going on. Yet again, I sit here, with my keyboard and a raging storm of thoughts and no other way to express them.

Yet again I crossed the bridge between Lasbela and Golimar. Yet again I crossed the Naizmabad flyover. Yet again I crossed the flyover between Nazimabad and North Nazimabad. All one hour before sunset. The sun grazing the tops of the houses. A sun clouded in a strange way. The sun not shadowed by the clouds but dead and inert without any light.

Yet again I crossed the shops in New Challi, Electronics Market, Bunder Road, Gurumandar, Golimar and North Nazimabad. But this time I did not feel irrtated by the excessive noise and congestion there. I was saddened by the lack of it. Shop after shop closed. Closed. Closed. Closed. Like the ruins of a once prosperous city.

It just hurts to see something one holds so dear. So close. So beloved. To be so badly poised. It hurts it hurts it hurts. Like the tear on a childs face hurts the mother. It hurts it hurts it hurts.

2005-05-30T23:30:00.000+05:00

Monday -- 21 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 09 Jyaistha 1927 -- 30 May 2005

Today was another one of those days when news filters into our office about the outside world. Rumours of dark actions. Whispers of an evil malice. News of malevolent happenings.

Another Mosque was attacked by suicide bombers. Today, in the land of the pure, in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan innocent blood was shed on the expensive marbles of our civil mosques. No longer there for religious purposes but to act as the breeding grounds for illiterate gun toting beard ridden men.

When will all this end? When will we wake up one day and say to ourselves that thank God we have gone past the dark ages? When will the time come when I will have forgotten all the times when after hearing news of violence in my very beloved city I will shake my head and ask myself "what is going on"? When?

In my dear city bears and burqas abound. Women wearing scarves and men growing beards. Meaning and threatening. Islam! Islam! Islam! Cram it down your throat! Islam! Islam! Islam!

2005-05-26T22:56:00.001+05:00

Thursday -- 17 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 05 Jyaistha 1927 -- 26 May 2005

I have had a nagging suspicion that a certain guy in my office is gay, the evil manipulative sexaholic type. I have also had a nagging suspicion that another guy in my office is gay, the docile soft spoken self denying type who do not want to accept that they are gay.

The first guy is a new entrant to our office arena. He immediately started giving time to the second guy. Today the second guy seemed unusually happy and had a completely new hairdo.

I think they are doing it!

I just love office gossip.

2005-05-26T22:56:00.000+05:00

Wednesday -- 16 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 04 Jyaistha 1927 -- 25 May 2005

I have had a nagging suspicion that a certain guy in my office is gay, the evil manipulative sexaholic type. I have also had a nagging suspicion that another guy in my office is gay, the docile soft spoken self denying type who do not want to accept that they are gay.

The first guy is a new entrant to our office arena. He immediately started giving time to the second guy. Today the second guy seemed unusually happy and had a completely new hairdo.

I think they are doing it!

I just love office gossip.

2005-05-25T20:51:00.000+05:00

Wednesday -- 16 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 04 Jyaistha 1927 -- 25 May 2005

Contrary to certain scandalous rumours and evil lies being propagated into the world community through my blog I am not a fat disgustingly wrinkly old woman with a bloated body having an unnatural desire to drink Pakola and other disgustingly coloured liquids.

I deny the accusation completely and I also deny the mere idea that I might be a woman desperate for love and affection trying to woo men into my web through the means of this blog.

I declare that all such ideas are completely unbelievable and full of rubbish. I also declare that, if not worse, this is all a massive Zionist conspiracy against me and my pure virtuous soul!

2005-05-23T21:40:00.000+05:00

Monday -- 14 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 02 Jyaistha 1927 -- 23 May 2005

I seem to have developed a certain ritual. Sometimes I come back from work at the height of rush hour. I drive. I take about a quarter to an hour to get home. All through extremely jam packed roads. I do not use my cars a/c. I prefer open windows instead.

My method of not going berserk while driving in such horrid traffic is to sing loudly to myself when I am going or coming from work. Not just loud, very loud.

Today, after about half an hour into my return journey I suddenly realized that I was singing very very loudly, and I was singing something that most people would consider very very odd. At that moment I snapped and scolded myself. Again very loudly.

Jalal! Stop it. You are singing so fucking loudly. Stop it. Stop acting like a hormonal imbecile. Stop acting like this. Jalal! You need to have some sex. You need to have some animal coitus.

Obviously after using the term animal coitus I was laughing so loudly that everyone near my car was looking at me. So basically, why am I so insane?

And on a less intense note. Will any one of you please sleep with me?

2005-05-22T21:41:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 13 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 01 Jyaistha 1927 -- 22 May 2005

The week was spent in doing nine to tens. Then suddenly I was hit by a Sunday. After six days I got to wake up at noon. Then my mother, who turns out to be the good guy as opposed to my super bitch attitude bad guy thing, made me half a dozen eggs and a pitcher of ilaichi (a spice) tea.

After eating the wonderful breakfast I spent the whole day reading the newspapers and magazines that had piled up during the week. After spending a day of eating and reading I have to say that I am very very content.

The only thing missing from my day would have been the physical, psychological and financial capability of reading about 700 books that I have wanted to read for quite some time now.

And, yes, I think I broke some sort of a world record today. I drank three 1.5 litre bottles of Pakola today. That makes 4.5 Litres of Pakola within 16 hours. If any of you think you can do that you are obviously lying so I wont listen to you anyways!

Now it is time for me to go and watch my extremely old neighbours hobble around and have the audacity to call that jogging.

2005-05-21T23:28:00.000+05:00

Saturday -- 12 Rabi us Sani 1426 -- 31 Vaisakh 1927 -- 21 May 2005

Three apologies. Two pieces of news. Two good news. Two bad news.

Apology One : I am sorry that I you have been deprived of my excellent writing skills lately.

Apology Two : I am sorry that I have not been able to keep up with your lives and blogs.

Apology Three : I am sorry that this post is so severly psychotic that I am the only one who will be able to enjoy it.

News One : I have just been transferred into a new department and I absolutely adore my boss and all the people who are senior in my new department. I love working. I love working. I love it.

News Two : I have been observing office hours of nine to ten. Include driving and that makes eight to eleven daily and with two hour relaxations on Saturdays.

Good News One : I did not miss my periods, so I am definitely not pregnant.

Good News Two : I have stopped eating foods that make my look like a fat disgusting pig.

Bad News One : I was at the office and I accidentally fell asleep on my chair, then I woke up with a very loud snort, everyone looked at me, it was embarrasing.

Bad News Two : After reading good news one I realized that I have indeed gone beyond and into the bad, bad place.

2005-05-10T22:31:00.000+05:00

Monday -- 29 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 19 Vaisakh 1927 -- 09 May 2005

Interesting conversation number 22,867 of the week.

Jalal : Hi. (facial expression : Jovial, Sunny)
Girl who appears to be seriously mensturating : What? (facial expression : I want to bite your head off)
Jalal : Nothing as such. (facial expression : Apologetic)
GWATBSM : Oh ok. (facial expression : Arrogant)
Jalal (desperately seeking attention) : So whats up? (facial expression : Please talk to me since noone else is doing that)
GWATBSM : Nothing much. (facial expression : I just hate you men)
Jalal : I heard your brother got married. Congratulations. (facial expression : Friendly)
GWATBSM : How did you know that? (facial expression : Stop stalking me you pervert)
Jalal : I think I should leave. (facial expression : Dyke!)
GWATBSM : Yes. (facial expression : I hate men)
Jalal : Bye (facial expression : Why doesnt anyone love me?)

I hate women!

2005-05-06T00:21:00.000+05:00

Thursday -- 25 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 15 Vaisakh 1927 -- 05 May 2005

Interesting date today.

05 - 05 - 05. Or, 5-5-5.

Interesting date today.

2005-05-04T23:56:00.000+05:00

Wednesday -- 24 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 14 Vaisakh 1927 -- 04 May 2005

Apparently my internet connection sucks to such an extent that I can only see the first three lines of my previous post. Nothing else will load.

Damnit! Now I have to go kill my Internet Service Provider guy.

2005-05-03T21:10:00.000+05:00

Tuesday -- 23 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 13 Vaisakh 1927 -- 03 May 2005

It is always interesting to think. To look at the sun go down far away across the sea. Think. Think. And only think.

Unfortunately for me. That is not possible. One of my ~~enemies~~ friends at school cursed me. Not because I am a bad person, but because he was one, and he had chubby ankels. He cursed me with the incapability of thought. Upon first hearing the curse I baaaed and boooed at him because I thought it was a stupid curse. Then it came true.

I have noticed that while interacting with other human beings my brain suddenly stops working and words start coming out of my mouth with apparently no thought or sense behind them. This may also be the case with my blogging, but I dont really know about that yet. So, going on, I had an interview / job discussion / career path discussion / promotion discussion interview with a senior at my office. And suffice to say that I could have made a 56,772 page list of things that I would never again want to say in an interview.

Why am I so stupid? Maybe that is because I am just so fucking hot.

Oh, sorry, I confused myself with Colin Farell for a bit.

Does this mean that I am fat and stupid?

Apparently it does.

DAMNIT!

2005-04-30T23:40:00.000+05:00

Saturday -- 20 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 10 Vaisakh 1927 -- 30 April 2005

Ok. As you might have noticed. Now that I spend about twelve hours a day away from home working, I might not be able to blog very regularly.

Big deal. You are all already quite my bitches. So you all keep reading this or I am going to call you and then get one of my severe multi personality disorder breakdowns and give you the head ache of the century.

So basically, I am going to blog less now. But I still love you.

My God. How much testosterone do I have in my body?

2005-04-24T20:46:00.001+05:00

Sunday -- 14 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 04 Vaisakh 1927 -- 24 April 2005

I just read the last post and, I am so fucking gay.

2005-04-24T20:46:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 14 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 04 Vaisakh 1927 -- 24 April 2005

Ahhhhhh, the darling buds of April. Rather the memories of the darling buds of March. Karachi weathers early. You have spring in mid March and summer in April. And then for the last two weeks you have horridly hot days. And to top all this off the humidity makes it very very sweaty.

I, of course do not complain. Except for the fact that when I give my dripping wet shirt to the drycleaner and tell him that it is 100% cotton and he is not, I repeat not, I repeat not in the name of his lord, I repeat not in the name of all that is holy and pure, I repeat not in the name of all that is beautiful and lovely from the smile on a babys cheek to the bottom of a newly cleaned baby to starch the shirt. He does it all the same and when I tell him I told him not to do this, he merely smiles at me and moves on.

What am I to do dear lord. What am I to do when my white cotton shirt has been starched so much that when I walk into my office in the morning I can hear it rustling away in such loud a manner that I can hear the sound echo off the walls of the building opposite to ours at a distance of about fifty meters.

What am I to do!

I will leave you now and drink some more Pakola! Take care of yourselved gentlemen and beautiful dames!

2005-04-21T23:52:00.000+05:00

Thursday -- 11 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 01 Vaisakh 1927 -- 21 April 2005

I have realized today that I am a deprived soul. I have missed some of the most beautiful things in life. There were things that I used to think nothing of. Today, I got the chance to experience one of those. And I realize that I have wasted a lot of my life by not have that experience before.

I am not talking about the movie "The Others". I am not talking about the musical piece "Ode to Joy". I am not talking about multiple synchronous orgasms.

I am talking about eating a sandwitch at subway. I had never had one simply because they seemed like "just" sandwitches.

But, today, I stand corrected. Subway is not only a sandwitch. When you go to the counter and tell them to give you assorted meats and condiments and no vegetables whatsoever. It becomes a man's food. Yes, subway. A man's food at its best.

2005-04-20T22:50:00.000+05:00

Wednesday -- 10 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 30 Caitra 1927 -- 20 April 2005

I went to get a complete physical check up today. It was the strangest experience. I mean, for all practical reasons I think that the doctor should have married me after we were done. Although she was a woman, but the things that she did to me, in my opinion should only be done by women to men whome they are married to.

Ohk, even if she did not marry me, she should have bought me breakfast.

2005-04-17T21:48:00.000+05:00

Sunday -- 07 Rabi ul Awwal 1426 -- 27 Caitra 1927 -- 17 April 2005

Well, it is always a wonder to be present on a Sunday. Suddenly you are jarred into real life. While trying to forget the work week. While trying to forget the abnormal level of lunatic partying on Saturday night you are suddenly aware that there is such a commodity as time.

As is the case with every Sunday, my evil mother wakes me up at one and tells me that if I dont get up she will give my breakfast to the cat. The cat, by the way, is extremely pregnant. So much so that everyone at home realizes it and does not talk about it. Uncomfortable topics being left alone as a rule in this house.

Later on in the evening relatives drop by and we decide to gulp down gallons of tea while playing cards and talking against all those relatives who had not dropped by this week. The best thing about this situation is that since my mother has not allowed me to miss any Sunday, they never get to talk against me.

Ahhhhhh, Sundays are such fun days!

p.s - Excuse the last line. It was written in a rather peculiar state of mind.